My husband and I have been married for 9 months. We dated for 3 months before marrying. This is both our second marriage and we’re in our mid-30s. We have no children but are trying now.
He’s very successful in his professional career and highly educated. I am also educated and work professionally doing what I love. He earns 2.2x more than I do in salary. Individually, we both earn really decent salaries, compared to most Americans. I owned my own condo and car before marrying him. I also have a substantial amount in retirement savings. We met on an online dating app, went on a few dates and eventually, we mutually decided to marry one another within weeks. No prenuptial agreement. I genuinely love him. However, last week, my husband flat out accused me of marrying him for money. While on a Sunday drive I jokingly said when I was online dating, the only thing I cared about was what a man did professionally and his salary. It was honestly a joke!
Logistically, my husband relocated from another state and took a really great job here in my state; we married the same weekend. While dating, I never asked him how much he earned in salary. I had an idea based on his profession because I work in human resources. We did premarital counseling and that was the first time I learned of his salary. We created a shared budget. When he moved into my home after relocating, that was the first time we had ever lived together. For the first couple of months, I never asked him to pay any bills or mortgage at my home because he still hadn’t ended his apartment lease in the state he came from. I fully understood that. Our budget states he will contribute 70% to my 30% of all household bills and agreed upon savings per paycheck. The reason for the 70-30 number is because he earns 2.2 times more than I do. Professionally, he works in finance so he’s a pro at this. I understand money very well too. We both agreed we’d put the funds into a joint savings account. He opened an account on his own at his personal bank and put the funds into that account and gave me a debit card, with the intent to add me as joint. I’m still not added – mutual fault. No problem. I use the debit card whenever I feel like it. However, I’ve noticed he has an incredible advantage financially compared to me. He’s able to keep and store a lot of cash, buy toys that he likes and spend freely. On the other hand, I am literally living check to check with a small amount in savings because I pay all of the house bills. Again I was doing this before he moved here. If you’re wondering how was I doing it before he moved here and can’t do it now, it’s because my expenses have gone up tremendously since he moved here. For example, the electricity is double. I buy 3x more in groceries. I stop at the store and get him miscellaneous items when he asks. I pick up his dry cleaning. The water bill has gone up tremendously because I’m constantly doing laundry and cleaning! Although he works in finance he doesn’t seem to get this simple point. At a work conference this past weekend, I happened to speak to a civil family attorney, and he mentioned based on our state, everything is shared 100%; even his salary. My husband seems to think his income is his income. In fact he went as far as telling me he went to school for as long as he did to earn the income that he earns and I didn’t earn any of it so why should he have to share with me 50-50. I think this is so far from the truth. We did not do a prenuptial agreement because we both agreed to split everything in half. Now that we’re married, he’s backing up and doesn’t want to share. I am disgusted with this. Literally nauseous thinking about how much cash he has compared to me. When I brought this up, and I’ve brought it up many times, we’ve gotten into huge blowout arguments and the last argument resulted in him stating I married him for money and he’s certain of it – ha also mentioned the salary joke (above). I would love advice no matter how harsh it is on if I’m wrong. I feel he needs to share immediately! I should be able to freely live and enjoy finances at the same rate and level he does. I shouldn’t have $300 cash from check to check while he sits on thousands of dollars. It doesn’t make any sense. Thanks for your advice!
*Ps – he pays for vacations, all electronics and anything expensive. He just paid for our wedding reception which was thousands of dollars. I spent the majority of my cash last year when I bought my home (down payment) prior to marriage.
24 comments
I don’t have much advice other than
Don’t have a kid with this man yet. Not until you guys get this sorted regarding finances.
That’s all I’ll say
You didn’t chose words wisely and now you want renegotiate your agreements . And then you get into fight. He also seems to be fixated with his money.i don’t think earning twice is that much of difference honestly.
I guess , take it easy. For me in marriage every penny, problem, payment has to be “ours”.
Kindly take your time and first get settled with each other first. You need some relationship building first.
Don’t have exact suggestions than these vague ones.
Lets be honest this is about money
You aren’t following with the premarriage agreement so yeah its making it look like its about money… then on talking to a lawyer… yeah again its about money… and at the end that kills me “He needs to share immediately!”…. that screams I am all the about the money
Lets be honest you want to live the life he has earned then you do what he has done… you don’t just say give me money and then say am I the bad guy… yes you are the bad guy because you want equal outcome without equal input….
You have broken his trust and you have already created an escape plan…. yeah if I was him I would be worried as well
If you want to be his best friend and partner and not treat him like a money bag then put in what you said you were going to do and if that means you suffer then thats your fault for not following through with your promises from the get go… if you don’t want to live pay check to pay check then start saving or working harder to make more money or create a plan to lower the bills… asking for money that you are only legally entitled too is childish and not how you treat your best friend.
God if my best friend came up to me and said give me money because you have more then me… I would boot them out my life fast and in a hurry because thats not how friends treat friends… and if thats how you are with your friends… you must not have a lot of friends then or if you do they are all broke
Also sign a post nup so he knows its truly not about the money.
you married a stranger basically. what is this man doing that doubles your electric and tripled your food bill???? just get a divorce.
What are your vision for the marriage? What are his vision for the marriage? Talk about these and the goals you each have and the marriage goals. Talk about each other’s dreams. Discuss the role you see yourself and each other in the marriage. He is your life partner and he needs to see he is your life partner. These talks can help you both see you didn’t marry for money. You need to discuss how finances will be handled going forward in a calm safe way. Make sure you are both in agreement. Same as you do for household chores,cooking,ect. Best wishes
I don’t really understand how it makes any sense to be married and keep finances separate. I know it works for some people, but I think the majority of the time going into a marriage trying to live separate lives doesn’t work.
It especially doesn’t make sense if you end up having kids. Is he going to issue you a paycheck if you stay home with a baby for any amount of time? Who will pay for the baby’s health insurance? Should you be charging him rent to help with the mortgage?
If you’re going to live as though you’re not married you might as well not be. You’ve joined your lives together, you both should be thinking of your money as being “ours”. If he lost his job or became disabled, how would he feel about whose money is whose then?
At the very least I would not be trying to have children with him until you can get this sorted out.
Stop trying to get pregnant, this isn’t where kids belong.
Go back to therapy.
Personally my husband and I have a single joint account and a separate savings account with an “allowance” that we can save or spend as we want, everything else is split. Our relationship is supposed to enhance our family, not my life or his life, and that is the goal we work towards. Twice a month we go over finances and decide what to pay, what to save, and what to invest. We save and invest for our future, not my future or his future. But a lot of people keep separate finances. If that’s what you guys agreed to that’s what is happening.
If you don’t feel like he’s living up to the agreement then show that. Add up the costs and then figure out the split.
You got married to a stranger and that’s a risk, not sure this is going to pay off
You have a bunch of things you have to work out together. All common expenses should be paid for under that 70/30 split. That should relieve some of the burden.
But if he’s paying 70% of everything, he goes on the title and on the mortgage. He should not be paying rent to you when he’s paying the bulk of the expense and you are just accumulating equity on your home. Changing this will take time and money to. Because when it comes to the home you own, you are using him for his money.
Everyone marries for the money, a little bit.
🙂
Your message seems to be two different stories. First half is reasonable, second half seems like my ex wife (who I respect, but couldn’t stay married to).
😬
If you earn $80,000, and he earns $200,000, it’s one thing. If you earn $150,000 and he’s pocketing $375k after tax, then it’s another story.
General rule:
• All earnings go into a joint account.
• Bills come out (here’s your 70/30 agreement).
• Tax efficient maximum possible savings come out (each, or are taken into account for pre tax deductions).
• Couple goals are dedicated to a joint account, two signatories requires.
• Personal spending deductions are sent to your own private accounts… doesn’t have to be equal, but $500 for you, and $1250 for him a week, might be reasonable, AFTER all your couple expenses. Maybe is $875 each (a week, or a month), over to you both.
Any left overs goes into your couple savings account(s)/kids college funds/retirement accounts.
Hope this helps.
And for what its worth, the Attorney is correct. A marriage isn’t about 50/50 or 70/30% splits…. it’s about two people giving 100%. And that’s how it works out best for all.
*When you have kids, this separate thing you have going, just won’t be possible. My wife was earning more than me when we met. Now I earn in excess of 10-15x what she was, and she stays at home, and runs the house, kids, and the rest. I pay 95% of everything, she spends whatever she likes, and we go over the bills, pretty regularly – running a budget. (She’s meticulous, and a pleasure to be a partner to!).*
It would be simpler if you two shared all income and all expenses. You’re not two individuals helping each other out: you’re a unified married couple.
Your problems are his problems. His successes are your successes. You shouldn’t be comparing yourselves to each other, making sure “he gets what’s his”. That phase of his life is past.
I agree with other commenters: don’t start a family until you’ve worked this out. I sincerely wish you luck.
>We dated for 3 months before marrying.
Yeah abusive people like the bait and switch as fast as they can.
Please stop trying to have kids with this guy and cut your losses now.
You really hit the 90 day fiancé but you ain’t even on the show.
Why did he marry you if he wanted to continue a bachelor life?
This is why:
1: Don’t marry a stranger. Make sure you know the person you are marrying well before making that commitment.
2: “Separate” finances don’t usually work in Marriage. It makes everything harder when you have to calculate what percentage of a problem that you are responsible. It’s a lot simpler if everything is “ours” instead of “30% mine and 70% his”. Marriage is already hard enough without complicating it further.
If you want this to work, you need to learn to work together.
Best advise will come from your own experience, factually speaking. Everything relationship is different and many ways, so best you can do is try to level your expenses. Ask to split everything down the lime, bills, daily mutual expenses and plan from there.
3 months dating before marrying! I see the problem!
This is odd. Why do you want to have children with someone who has no empathy?
He pulled the old bait and switch on you money wise. You got conned.
> I would love advice no matter how harsh it is on if I’m wrong
You’re not wrong about the finances, you’re wrong about the whole SITUATION. You married after THREE MONTHS!?? You’re trying for CHILDREN while you’re having blow up arguments about money??
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This dude is financially abusing you and trying to baby trap you – the ‘things’ you said he does pay money for are things that are nice for him.
Keep safe OP
May I ask why you divorced your first husband?
You got married to someone you’d only known 3 months? Does anyone else think this is insane? That’s not remotely enough time for infatuation to fade. You’ve only known this man a year. This is about the time facades drop and real personalities set in.
Your system and life weren’t figured out before marriage, which isn’t ideal, but very few people in real life are as perfect as redditors often recommend. So no use regretting that.
My only 2 cents is that if he wants to split everything 50/50, then you both need to reduce your lifestyle to what you can comfortably afford your half and also save and contribute to your own comfortable retirement. While I think his reaction isn’t reasonable, I’m not sure your prep for this marriage was either.
My wife & I have always been 50/50 the second we moved in with each other. When I wasn’t working, she’d foot everything. When she wasn’t working, I’d foot everything. Now I make twice what she does but we are both still 50/50. Sounds like he just needs someone to do his dirty work while he gets to play & not share.
You should both be better off living together, sharing expenses. Sounds like you are worse off financially than before. End of argument, on your lower salary, you’re subsidizing his expenses. That’s not right.
You agreed to split everything 70/30. I think you need to run a budget that you look at together and include all these incidental costs… Show him that although he agreed to contribute 70% he’s only contributing 55 or whatever.
Ask him what he would expect from you if he lost his job. Or if you suddenly earned 50% more than him, how would he want to run things.
Seems like he’s lacking some emotional intelligence and you might need to set him a good example.
I feel for you. He should be a “man of his word”.