How do you successfully repair after your first argument in a relationship?

5 comments

1. You need to talk about the actual issue, and make sure that you’re both calm and respectful.

   A healthy relationship isn’t one that never has conflict, it’s one where conflict is handled respectfully. Facing a problem in your relationship should be about you and your partner working together to find a solution. It’s not about who’s “right” or anything like that, it’s about standing together and working together because you both value the relationship and each other.

   If you haven’t already, the time after the first conflict is a good time to lay and enforce boundaries about your behavior toward each other and your relationship. Neither of you should commit or tolerate personal attacks against each other, and if your approach to “arguments” isn’t calm and respectful then you need to talk about how to make sure that it becomes and stays that way.

   Red flags at this point are anything like raised voices, personal attacks, stone walling, gaslighting, etc.

2. Listen and be patient. Then respond. Never raise your voice, and apologize.

3. What do you need to “repair”? You had a disagreement. Figure out the issue and fix it – make a decision that you both agree with and move on

4. We use tools we’ve learned in therapy and in reading John Gottman’s work.

5. A trip to a nice ass resort or hotel and just spend time. I recommend the saliash lodge for anyone in Washington. Moon palace the grand hotel I heard good things about in Mexico. I mean just go somewhere meaningful and love eachother. After you made sure they are not crazy as hell or manipulating you.