Do Opposites Really Attract?

17 comments

1. I think there’s a difference between, say, outgoing vs introvert, and your situation. I could see it being really difficult to reconcile different core beliefs like that. That just sounds like a fundamental incompatibility (not suggesting divorce or anything, that’s just a big thing to work past)

   I think it’s fine if you just agree not to talk about it, but definitely sounds like it’s still bothersome to you.

2. I think you have to have some “life goals” in alignment in order to function as a couple.

   Usually, I talk about children as an example: If one person wants kids, and the other doesn’t, then it doesn’t matter what happens, someone will be unhappy in the relationship.

   However, this can happen with other things, like housing, or finances. If you can agree about such things, you can still have a marriage going in the same direction.

   What can happen, though, is that other things can become a matter of dispute. You might never have thought that, say, getting a vaccine for a disease was a questionable thing. But such a thing was politicized in the pandemic. And so a difference of choice can suddenly become a major issue, as you realize you each married one of “them.”

   I don’t know that there is a fix for this.

   Some of the problem is that a lot of political rhetoric has gotten much more divisive. It has become a for-or-against mindset, instead of different approaches.

   While you may not be able to “cure” either of you, you may be able to connect by focusing on stories and empathy, rather than talking points and facts. For instance, when it comes to vaccines, statistics of effectiveness are less important than understanding why someone is hesitant about vaccination, what the underlying fear is. You may be able to agree to disagree on “facts,” but still be able to empathize with each other. I mean, I disagree that the COVID-19 vaccinations make you magnetic, or give you 5G reception, or cause blood clots..but I can definitely understand the fear about stories and worries about what might happen if you get a vaccine that seems to be a recent thing.

   Tha may not be enough, though. It is possible that you may have to agree to separate, rather than try to make this work.

3. A person’s politics are a reflection of their values. Opposites can attract to a degree, but I don’t see how you can be in a partnership long-term when your values are completely misaligned.

4. No one acts insane all the while knowing they are acting insane. Given the model of how your husband views the world, he’s not doing anything “wrong” and he believes in what he is doing. He loves something so much that he is willing to live and act in a certain way. I suggest you really try to get to the bottom of what it is he loves so much and he does the same for you.

   You both can actually go into the talk and come out feeling gratitude for helping one another establish measures that help you define yourself, and know more about yourself.

   I’d also suggest looking into the topic of Moral Law described by C. S. Lewis. The premise is basically that in all human choices, whether if its you deserve another scoop of ice cream or if America should enforce democracy on the world, differing parties are arguing on the assumption of an unstated and underlying notion of fairness and love. And all arguments are really trying to out-do one another for which argument best apprehends this “moral law”.

   Hope this helps!

5. The research says no. People are far more likely to be attracted to others that are similar to themselves, particularly in ways that are *important* to them. It sounds like there are some important ways in which you two are different. The question is whether you can reconcile those, which means not avoiding, but discussing and trying to accept the other’s perspective. Personally I would also have trouble doing that in your situation; political orientation has wider implications than just who gets your vote.

6. Talk to him and let it get uncomfortable

7. I think opposites attract is kind of wrong. You need to have similar values or the relationship is going to fail, for example if you really want your child to be raised in a religion but your partner wants nothing to do with religion, opposites don’t attract there. They’re repellent.

   I think the saying should be “complements attract”. By that I mean if you’re deficient in one non-controversial area and the other spouse can substitute for it that’s what I attracts I think more than opposites.

   One example is, I am a terrible cleaner and don’t know what I’m doing. My husband is not good at cooking and doesn’t have the patience to cook. Therein lies the complement part of the equation. My husband finds it attractive and awesome that I can cook and I think the same of his cleaning skills. Another one: I’m not a social butterfly, and find it hard to meet new people and keep conversations flowing. If I bring my husband though, who is extremely talkative then he helps me tell stories and break the ice just by being there.

   I’ve personally never seen a long-standing couple were the two were extremely opposite.

8. Opposites attract like, he prefers video games and I like reading. Not like “he aligns himself with a political party that has taken away my rights as a woman”.

9. This used to be my wife and I. And since our fundamental values did not align, it caused issues with pretty much everything throughout our relationship on some level. Had something not changed, I don’t think it would have ended well.

10. Look. I firmly believe opposites can attract. I don’t think for everyone though.

    Personally, my husband and I have our differences and personally I enjoy it at times because our conversations aren’t echo chambers. That’s the thing though as well, we don’t think talking about politics and other issues are taboo. We sit outside and we’ll air out how we feel and discuss it. There are times when I do have to say “hey look this is frustrating me and I don’t want to talk about it anymore” and we stop.
    That being said, I know that kind of lifestyle isn’t for everyone and that’s okay. But that’s why I think opposites can attract.

11. My husband and I agree on important fundamental issues. Religion (or lack thereof), kids, money, politics etc.

    But we are very opposite in terms of personality. He’s chill, I’m high strung. He’s a saver, I’m a spender. He’s very impulsive, I’m less so.

    We help one another get out of our comfort zone and experience a life we otherwise wouldn’t without one another.

    I personally don’t understand how you can get married to someone having never discussed politics, but that’s me.

12. I am extremely concerned with politics and I consider myself a far, far left liberal. I could never even be with someone who didn’t feel the same way. Much less marry someone who didn’t feel the same way.

    People are different though. I know of people who aren’t very in to politics and it doesn’t matter to them. Personally, I couldn’t do it. But some people do.

13. He aligns himself with the party that celebrates when women lose their rights.

    A person’s political preference is a reflection of their morals and values.

14. I would never date or marry a girl with different political opinion. That is a no no.

15. I guess I’m lucky. My wife and I don’t agree with everything from either party. I’m a big fan of using common sense and so is she. Seems like that is in short supply these days.

16. My Aunt was a hard core Republican and her husband was a solid Democrats – both deeply set in their beliefs and opinions. They agreed to disagree. They were very committed to their relationship and marriage. My aunt died in 2008, long before Trump’s election. I have a feeling Trump would have possible strained even their loving and committed marriage.

17. I think it’s a mistake to tie so much of our emotional state to our politics. What most of us hear about the political process is the divisive parts that sell news and other media. Most of what a democrat or republican or any other politician does is pretty boring. Most of us regular folks are also pretty boring. I think more of us would get along fine if we didn’t have the news bits to fight about, so you’re on to something there.

    As an anecdote, I’m married to someone with a very different political philosophy and while we both have some sharp edges, we do what we can to smooth ourselves out. It takes time, patience, genuine curiosity and mutual respect – these aren’t always easy to accomplish.