I’m a 40 year old gay man and I really suck at being perceived as anything other than not only gay but *really really gay.* And I’m exhausted with this. Being gay is part of who I am but it’s not my whole goddamned personality, and I’m frequently treated like it is and I just want this all to stop. This is all getting to the point where it’s beginning to make me angry, but I can’t blame anyone – my behavior would make anybody think so and I don’t know how to not be like this.
I don’t even know if this is the right place to ask, and if it’s not I’ll take the post down. But I just want to change.
If any of you can help me, I really want to learn how to be seen as more masculine, or at the very least more *neutral*, but I don’t know how to even begin. My mannerisms betray me, my voice is just naturally very high, and my manner of speech makes my sexuality glaringly obvious every time I open my mouth. I’m just so frustrated, and finding resources online that don’t want to just tell me to 🌈 love who I am 🌈 and not change anything is nearly fucking impossible.
I hope this doesn’t come off as self-loathing or as some kind of internalized homophobia – it absolutely is not. I enjoy being who I am and I rather like being a gay man, honestly – there’s a lot of things about it that make it pretty great. But I’m just tired of being seen as a stereotype on feet when it’s honestly not even close to who I really am.
I’m a quiet nerd, for god’s sake, not… this. Please help if you can. Many thanks.
27 comments
Have you tried sleeping with women?
I’m kidding. Fuck everyone man. Just be you. You shouldn’t have to change yourself for anyone!
Edit: I read the rest of your post. I know that’s not what you wanted to hear. But really it’s true. I mean your mannerisms and stuff is just what comes natural to you. I think your best course of action is to have conversations with the people that treat you as being gay as your entire personality that it’s not your entire personality. You need to change other people’s behavior towards you. Not the other way around.
Funny thing, i have a great colleague and i have been treating him just like any other bro, and he seems less gay a few months later. Maybe you just need a few hetero buddies to help you feel like one of the guys again.
I feel your pain. I have friends I grew up with, who came out very young, and their whole personality have become their penchant in the bedroom. They lost themselves back in college in the sauce, and now they complain about the same exact thing.
I will tell you as bluntly as I tell them that the outside world only perceive you as you present yourself. If you wish to change that perception, then change your presentation or eff the world’s perception and let your nuts hang.
My gay bud calls it bimbo gay.
I had a friend about 15 years ago (passed away now) who could have written this post.
He basically realized, eventually, that faking who he was to change people’s perceptions just didn’t work for him. What did make him happier was he tried a lot of different types of hobbies which were more traditionally masculine and while most weren’t for him he did find a couple that really suited him and naturally over time he found that some of the bits he didn’t like toned themselves down on their own.
I knew him socially when he was in the unhappy phase but we became better friends when he picked up a few similar hobbies and we started hanging out more regularly.
(He tried and discarded: Boxing, motorcross, forging, etc. he tried and kept: Hunting, woodworking, general survival training)
Life is way too short to be anything other than who you are. If anyone has a problem with that it’s just that…their problem and not yours and you can refuse to make it yours. You’re cheating the ones you love by trying to fake anything. People who matter love you for who you really are…screw the rest.
One of my friends is really extra with his … not sure the right words … gayness. 🧐 He’s a great guy and I hope he never changes. But he definitely wears clothes that most straight guys don’t wear, his mannerisms and such are not ‘straight.’ But his husband is a pretty vanilla guy, etc. Another friend of mine loves musical theater, he doesn’t come off as particularly masculine but he’s completely straight (I think lol). It’s not as if mannerisms and perception define your sexuality.
So I dunno, my dude, if you want to be more ‘straight’ just try to look and act like boring guys like me. But, why bother? Be yourself. If you feel as if ‘being gay’ takes a lot of effort then maybe you aren’t being yourself. Take a breath, still be gay and put in less effort into worrying about how other people view you. Just my 2 cents.
As a straight man I can’t say I see how you feel but I can say, be you man! Embrace who you are and if people can’t accept it then it is their problem. I have gay friends, and I mean no question about it gay. I love them and respect them. I also accept them for who they are and would never, and I mean EVER, want them to act any other way than who they are. Embrace it man. If your current friends make you feel bad about who you’re are than find new friends. Shit man if you lived close to me I’d be your friend. I love nerds. 🙂
There are exercises you can do to train your voice to register lower. Search for them on YouTube. You can also search for vocal coach lessons that are geared towards getting rid of an accent, which is essentially what you’re trying to do. Ultimately, it’s your life and you can do whatever you want, but it sounds like the people you’re around are treating you like a stereotype. Find new people.
Fuck them. Just be yourself. There is nothing wrong with being you.
do you hang out with lots of fabulous, flamboyant guys? their behavior and speech and mannerisms might be rubbing off on you. we all tend to soak up things from our environment.
associating with a different crowd might help. it doesn’t need to be some hyper-macho guys, just less stereo-typically gay dudes might help. if you could find a MeetUp group or hobby activity or whatever
Man, I lean right and we could shoot cans in the morning and do a pride run in the afternoon.
Be yourself and I give you +1 on your pursuit to happiness.
If other people didn’t have any particular perceptions about you either way, how would you feel about yourself then? Would you be happy with the person you are? I think that’s the important distinction here.
If the answer’s ‘yes’, then you don’t need to change anything about yourself, man. You’re great how you are.
If the answer’s ‘no’, then that’s an issue that goes deeper than simply how you feel about how others view you. If you feel like there’s something wrong with you that you want to fix, that’s something that you should be doing regardless of how others perceive you.
Personally, if I met you and one of the thoughts that came into my mind did happen to be that you’re probably gay, so what? You’re still a person with value at the end of the day. I’m not gonna think any less of you (and anyone who does isn’t worth your time any way).
As someone your age who while straight apparently jammed every Gaydar in a 5 mile radius for over 25+ years….it seems like the answer is getting into power lifting, nodding thoughtfully whenever your peers steer an inordinate amount of conversations to their recent bathroom/kitchen renovation, and less enthusiastic hand gestures.
On the upside people try to hook me up with their gay relatives *far* less now. The downside is now I apparently look like someone they feel comfortable sharing their racist borderline neo-nazi opinions with…
Maybe take acting classes.
I’d say why bother unless it’s affecting your work or social life negatively? You already said you like being a gay man, then just go with it.
The amount of things you’d have to change is just too many and those include all the subtle things you don’t even think of and that will just get tiresome too quickly. Plus, are you even yourself at that point if you have to change basically ALL of your mannerisms?
Watch the documentary called “do I sound gay?” It’s very interesting in general about linguistics and how brains interpret and judge stuff.
Seconding the advice to try some guy-oriented hobbies or sports.
You will be complete crap at it at first, so you can’t let that stop you from continuing.
IDK if it will make you “more masculine” or not, but you will learn cool new things and maybe broaden your outlook on life.
What about the book The Way Of Men by Jack Donovan, I haven’t read it but I heard its supposed to be good for men who wanna level up their masculine traits.
Looking at your other comments, it seems like you’ve made up your mind on trying to adjust your behavior. So I’m just going to give advice.
Do masculine things and be around masculine people and it just sorta happens.
You know, make or fix some shit. Work on a car, build a computer, free build a wooden box. Destroy some stuff. Go shooting. Build a massive campfire. Go camping. Get on a video game and actually trash talk. All those things lend towards masculinity and when you do them enough it draws that masculinity out of you.
Hanging around masculine people is another step. I’m a straight male, bit quiet, but very masculine. But when I would come back from trips with my dad, my masculinity would be turned up to 11 compared to when I left. Just being around him elevated those traits in myself.
So, that’s really all you can do. Because you can’t and shouldn’t change what comes naturally to you if isn’t negative. And “gay” traits are not negative. You also can only wear a mask for so long. So, (using your wording) to be less gay, you have to surround yourself with more masculine people or do more masculine activities. Because your personality is shaped by what you do and who you are around just as much as it’s shaped by who you naturally are.
What about changing your wardrobe to include more clothes that don’t fit really well?
My wife said “look more shlumpy.”
Maybe try taking up a “masculine” hobby? I suggest going to the gym or working out? I say this because I go to a gym that is run by a gay man, and several gay men go there and sometimes it is hard to tell, at least at first, if they’re gay or not. We’re all lifting heavy weights or doing intense workouts, and we’re all just HUMANS.
I heard a recording of myself giving a presentation and realized that not only did I have a horrible habit of smacking my lips while speaking that was clearly audible to anyone listening, I always strung all my words together with no pause. I had no idea I sounded so awful. So I practiced until I was happy with my recorded voice. Spend some alone time talking to yourself in front of the mirror. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be self-aware and work to improve. It doesn’t mean you hate yourself. It means you see you’re limiting yourself and you’re capable of self improvement. You could even hire someone to work with you if you’ve got a little money to put into it. But a mirror and a voicemail you leave for yourself or voice memo is really all you need. Keep doing it until it’s not uncomfortable.
First of all, love yourself and don’t worry about what others think. But, my advice would be pay attention to how you act. Record yourself doing different things (walking, talking to people, etc.) And look at what are some of the “gay” things you do. If you do a lot of hand gesture that seems “gay”, then focus on not doing those gestures. Try hanging around other masculine men and you will pick up on the things they do. Watch videos on youtube about how to be more masculine, improve your masculine figure, etc.
I have a genuine question that I have been curious about. I am a straight male, I walk “manly” talk “manly” etc. But I don’t go “I’m straight so I’m going to walk manly and do manly hand gestures when I talk”, I just naturally do these things. And I’ve always wondered, why do gay men walk “gay” and do a lot of feminine things. So I guess my question is, how did you get to the point where you do things that are perceived as gay?
Be you and be happy with it!
Okay so you learned some behaviours which shows off your sexual preference. I guess you need to unlearn those and replace them with other characteristics. I have no idea how long it would take but I would not be surprised if it took 1-2 years. Is it worth the investment? Only you know.
I like women, and I saw Lady Gaga and audibly screamed bloody murder for her when she got on stage. I dressed as a rainbow peacock.
That didn’t stop me from flirting with women. I think you’ll be all right OP.