This may seem like a strange problem but it’s causing me a lot of anxiety.
Tl, dr: the man I’m dating (we are both 30s M) hates compliments and people paying attention to his appearance. The problem is that I’m overwhelmingly attracted to him and even when I try to keep that to myself I sometimes end up saying or doing things that make him uncomfortable.
I’m in the very early stages of rekindling a relationship with an ex-partner who I am very much in love with. The reason he broke up with me was because I got too caught up in the physical part of our relationship and unintentionally pushed him past what he was comfortable with. There was no anger or blame from his side but I know I messed up and I feel terrible about it. It was a real eye-opener, I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself since then (including therapy) and I plan to continue with that.
We recently reconnected and we both want to try again to make things work. Even though I’m over the moon, there’s one issue that does make me nervous. I am intensely attracted to him in a way I haven’t experienced with anyone else. That may be linked to the fact that most of my previous relationships have been with women. He is also objectively a beautiful man and gets constant attention because of his appearance. Unfortunately because of past trauma he is very uncomfortable about that. It took me a while to understand this and learn to fight my instinct to tell him how beautiful and perfect he is, especially when we’re being intimate. Unfortunately even though I’ve more or less figured out what words to avoid, I have less control over my body language and I can get intense which makes him uneasy. Sometimes I catch myself staring and when I’m with him I want to constantly touch him – not just in a sexual way, a lot of the time I just want to cuddle him and give him little kisses. He’s an affectionate person anyway so that’s not always an issue but there are times that he sees it as pressure so he gets anxious and withdraws. I’m worried that if I don’t find the right balance I’m going to scare him off, especially at such an early stage.
He’s said it’s an issue he wants me to work on – not as specifically as that but he’s said that I “really need to chill” and he isn’t wrong. I’m not sure what to do since it’s not something I can just switch off. I tried expressing how I feel when we were together before and it made things worse. It came out wrong and sounded like I was saying he was so attractive I couldn’t control myself which wasn’t what I meant. He says it makes him feel like an object when I act that way but that’s the opposite of how it feels for me. I probably sound like an obsessive weirdo but it’s just that my feelings are so strong I don’t know how to deal with them. Therapy has helped a lot with certain things but these overwhelming feelings are still there.
3 comments
There’s a few things here. First, it’s good that you’re in therapy. I think we can all logically understand being excited about a partner, but it’s sort of ridiculous to say that you can’t control your words or actions. You obviously know you can. I’m also making an assumption here that you’re overbearing which is why this is a problem, but you’ll have to let us know.
Separately, he experienced a trauma. What is he doing to address that?
Either way, the two of you just need to sit down and have a conversation about it. What amount of affection would make you both legitimately happy? Figure that out. Good luck.
Attraction is a physiological/biological thing that happens at a level below your control. So the fact that you are wildly attracted to him is not something you can do anything about.
But actions are a *choice*. Words are a *choice*.
So stop *choosing* to act and speak in ways that he has already expressed to you are unwelcome.
That’s it. That’s all you have to do. *Choose* not to act and speak in certain ways.
Often we tell ourselves that “My anger made me say that”, or “I couldn’t help doing [whatever], because I was sad”. In your case, you are telling yourself that because of your overwhelming attraction to him, *you cannot help yourself* from doing and saying these things. And that’s not so.
You *can* control yourself; in fact, you *must* control yourself, or the relationship will fail for the same reason it failed *before*. (And if he’d come back here asking whether to try again with you after breaking up with you for the reasons he did before, I’d have told him not to, because it was vanishingly unlikely that you’d done the work to change so that the same problems wouldn’t reassert themselves…and I’d have been *right*).
So when you are about to say something about his appearance, when you are about to *do* something that he has already expressed is unwelcome, pause. Take a breath. *Choose* to take a different action. *Choose* to use different words.
> it’s not something I can just switch off.
…and stop telling yourself this, because as long as you *tell* yourself that you cannot change this, *you will not be able to change this*.
You have the *power* to change this. All you have to do is *want* to change it more than you want to cling to it. And if you want to remain in the relationship with him, you’re going to *have* to change it.
So which do you want *more?*
1. To continue to act like this, or
2. To continue to be in a relationship with him?
Pick *one*, because you cannot have both.
And if you find that you have *chosen* to stop behaving like this and are unable to actually succeed at it, then seek out counseling or therapy (ok, *more* therapy, since you’ve already gone) to help you overcome this, because being out of control of your actions, to your own detriment, is unhealthy *regardless* of what those actions are.
Sorry I can’t offer much actual help but I just want to say that you’re not an obsessive weirdo, both how you feel and how he feels are legit and valid. I am the opposite of your bf, I love how my partner is always complimenting me and staring at me, because before her I had a lot of girlfriends who were very lukewarm and that messed with my head a little. I felt more like you, embarrassed for being so intensely infatuated while they were more cool about it.
> He says it makes him feel like an object when I act that way but that’s the opposite of how it feels for me.
This especially – of course i got told this as a man dating women. But, it’s a feeling not an accusation, a feeling that comes from his own past hurts. So he owns it but to be a good partner you still have to do your best to not aggravate it. That’s part of the dance, but you know that already.
My point is, don’t put yourself down for this. He owns his old scars, he’s telling you that your behavior is touching them, you find ways to make him feel safe while he’s healing, but you can’t heal him yourself. You both have to do your parts. Is he going to therapy?