I (24f) had been dating my now ex boyfriend (23m) for a year and a half when we broke things off. He was feeling unprepared to commit long-term especially as my job may have put us in a long distance relationship (away from the east coast). I was of course devastated as I did not feel the same way, but there were other things about him that began to pop up over time that made me feel like it was maybe for the best. Two months later, he reached back out to see me and long story short we rekindled things.
Things were going okay and we agreed very explicitly that we were exclusively seeing one another and working towards being bc/gf again once I got settled. A few months go by and nothing seems to be moving forward, and i was losing patience, but god I loved this man more than anything and was willing to wait. Then, one night, we went out drinking and he drank far too much. When we got home he confronted me about how he thought I had been flirting with another man (I very much was not), and ended up getting physical with me. In that moment I knew it was over, I had never felt so betrayed and it shattered me to know that this man was capable of hitting me — beyond out of the blue. I thought I couldn’t feel more devastated especially as I have been abused in my past and was completely re-traumatized by this. That was until a few days ago, when I find out that he had actually been cheating on me the entirety of the time we had been back together with multiple women, sometimes in the same day he would see me.
I feel like my world and self confidence is crumbling around me and I don’t know how I will ever be able to trust someone else or even myself after I was so deceived and betrayed by someone I never imagined could be capable of such action. He not only broke my heart and trust but also put me at risk for disease. I never knew someone could lie so easily and naturally, especially someone I have known for almost a decade. Has anyone experienced anything similar or has any advice? How do I even begin to heal and protect myself? Thank you in advance.
Tl;dr my relationship went from rekindling and healing full of trust to physical violence and revelation of rampant cheating in a single week — how do I move forward.
3 comments
Block him and get into therapy.
all you can do is recognize that this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. no matter how good you were to him, no matter how pretty/sexy you are, no matter how understanding and kind and supportive you are, he still would have done what he did. this is a HIM problem. best you can do is try to think back on some red flags you may have missed, and try to look out for them when you are dating again.
>Has anyone experienced anything similar or has any advice?
Started dating a girl at 16. Dated for about 4.5 years until she transferred to a different college and wanted to go on a break (essentially we were just non-monogamous)
Did 1.5 years of that until graduation when we got “back together,” though still long distance while we fought the job market.
About 2 years later on my 24th birthday, I found out that when we “got back together” she was already dating another guy and just never called it off or told him. They eventually broke it off for a different reason, but then my ex had dated another guy. Then they had broke it off and she started dating a guy that was one of her roommates.
Happy birthday and three cheers to eight years, huh?
>How do I even begin to heal and protect myself?
By recognizing the fact that some cheating on you has nothing to do with you. It isn’t a reflection of your worth and it doesn’t mean you are unlovable.
It was a bad thing done by a bad person. And that has no bearing on how a good person will act.
I met my wife about 4 months after that birthday, and started dating seriously another 5 months after that. We’ve been together 8 years and married for 6. Despite the scars my ex left I’ve never once not trusted her because she’s not my ex.