I am generally a good person, who’s very helpful and kind to the people I meet, but after I’ve gotten to know them I generally stop being helpful and kind, as an example, I’ll ignore them or generally don’t care about them, which includes friends or family.
I’m starting to think I use my kindness to make people like me to a point where they’ll overlook poor behaviour in the future and I think this is also causing me to lose interest in people very quickly with a few exceptions to the people I already know, but I haven’t made a proper friend since highschool or any relationships because of this.
So, if anyone has experienced something similar, or would just like to add anything, please let me know 🙂
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I have Asperger’s and can start a relationship but have no idea how to maintain one after the first meeting. Don’t know if this is the same though.
I like to draw the distinction between “nice” and “kind”
“Nice” is really surface level, and is just about being really complementary and pleasant. maybe helping out – but only in minor convenient ways, or in transactional ways.
“Kind” is showing up for people – caring about them as people. It’s about being there when it’s hard and/or requires you to face inconvenience, discomfort, or even physical/emotional pain.
Someone who is “Nice but not Kind” typically cares only about **what people think of them** – they just want to be liked by everyone. They don’t care about how others feel inside, aside from being able to use that knowledge to make people like them.
Someone who is “Kind” – cares about the people themselves – and is willing to stand for “doing the right thing” even if it makes a few people *dislike* them.
Internal to you – niceness and kindness are entirely different paths of growth. If you feel like you have been nice but not kind, then take some time to self-reflect on where that is coming from – and start over.
**Don’t** try to be nice – **only** be kind and find a way to care about others. Maybe even do it anonymously so that you aren’t focused on the social reward part of it.
do you generally get invested in relationships early on and then lose enthusiasm when the novelty wears off? if so, i would point you towards resources geared towards adhd people – not saying you have it , but this is a pretty common thing with adhd so it’s a question that’s been addressed multiple times.
otherwise, maybe just try and limit the relationships you start and focus on the ones you have? like, make an effort to really appreciate what this person brings to your life and how you enjoy your time together, and connect your kind actions to those positive feelings if that makes sense
pardon my english, it’s not my first language, but from what I understand, if the same thing happens to you with other types of relationships and not just friendships, e.g., partners, family, among others, you might have ADHD.
In this case the rule of “if I don’t see it, it doesn’t exist” applies. People with ADHD tend to give a lot of importance to new or novel things, in this case new friendships, you want to know everything about the person, because it is something new, but when it becomes a habit or routine you simply get bored and move on to the new novelty.
The best advice I can give you is to seek the opinion of an expert and do not get carried away by people or tests that you find on the internet, as they will give you a bad idea of what it is like to have ADHD. Also try to find at least one person and concentrate on keeping your friendship with them, you will need to make an effort not to “forget” them and maybe explain to them how you may behave at times, but I promise you, the people who stay will be worth it.
That’s known as avoidant-dismissive attachment style. I have that too