My (28f) boyfriend(28m) — well, my ex — and I have been dating for over a year. We did break up last May, but reconciled and got back together in July (clearly that was a mistake). We broke up for good yesterday, and I am okay with that. I know it’s for the best.
Anyway, he was my first as I wanted to wait until I was in love and in a serious, committed relationship.
When we broke up in May, they were on better terms and I had no weird thoughts or anything about having sex and my virginity.
But after breaking up now, I feel weird and negative and like it was a mistake to have sex with him when he was so harsh and mean in this breakup. I know virginity is a social construct, and it shouldn’t matter.
But I can’t help I feel so bothered and like I wasted my first time and I should have waited longer for someone who would always treat me with respect, even if we don’t stay together. He’s always been so sweet and patient and understanding. And yesterday he was so harsh and mean. Maybe that’s why? I don’t know.
I feel weird now that I’ll have sex with other guys and they’re not my first and I have a body count now…
But when we broke up in May, I was fine and didn’t have these thoughts and it didn’t bother me to have sex with other guys and have a body count.
I don’t know what I’m asking, I guess does anyone have tips to feel better or similar situations?
Tldr; boyfriend and I broke up in May, got back together, broke up for good yesterday. I lost my virginity to him a year ago, and in May when we broke up I was fine about it. Breaking up now, I feel weird and negative about it and like I made a mistake having sex with him at all.
Edit: my first time was good somehow. I just still feel weird I wasted it on someone who turned out to be an asshole. Like I feel tricked and should have kept waiting..?
9 comments
get a therapist
>But I can’t help I feel so bothered and like I wasted my first time
“First times” are often disappointing, for men as well as women. Remember riding a bike for the first time? Were you doing hops and fancy jumps? Or did you fall down because it was new?
You didn’t waste anything. Your first time was a learning experience. Because your ex turned out to be an asshole doesn’t make that experience something you should feel bad about.
Its probably worth asking yourself (or with a therapist) “why is having a body count a bad thing?”. Is this truly something that is important to you or to a future, loving, partner? Or is is pressure you are feeling from societal opinion?
The vast majority of people don’t have romantic, meaningful first times and I may argue that its almost misleading to encourage young people to have that expectation. Its ok to have regrets about your decision, and your decision does not lower your worth as a person. The important thing is to learn from those decisions and grow from them. Now you have a slightly better idea about what to look for in your next partner
There will always be a “first time with the next person”.
Whatever it is, it seems to have something to do with this harsh second breakup. Maybe this made you question your choice having sex with him in the first place. You may have questioned your own “purity” (strange concept to me to be honest), because you can’t get over how you could ever be with someone as bad like him (your new view of him). You may feel robbed of your innocense.
People change with time, maybe look at it like he was a genuine good person and the right one for you at that time. Now on the second break up you realised, that the one he is now, is not the one you were with before. It is someone similar to him, but he changed. Try to separate the last one with the former.
I would just tell you that you can’t go back. Remember what you liked about him. Remember why you called it off. You learned from both and you can only go forward.
Sounds like a rough break up. I think you would be feeling regret right now regardless of whether he was your first. You spent a year with him, and then he wasn’t who you thought he was. That would be difficult on anyone.
You’re a person.
People. Have. Sex. It’s just what we do. The vast majority of people have sex drives. To simplify it, someone stuck part of their body in yours.
I don’t want to downplay the feelings you have, but humans in general put way too much emphasis on it.
You may need therapy, and that’s fine! But you’re not “ruined” or anything like that. You’re a valuable person who is no less a person because you did what people do.
I’m a man, so it is difficult for me to truly understand the weight of that social construct, but I had a woman apologize to me on the SECOND date because she “had a crazy time” in college.
Surely that sounds utterly ridiculous to you. Me too. Like WHAT? I can’t even remember the context of the conversation, but she felt so insecure that she felt the need to bring it up and _apologize_ for having sex with people to a guy she barely knew. It makes no sense to me, and I was no less attracted to her. And if I had been, that says a hell of a lot more about me than it does about her.
You’re fine, and you did nothing wrong.
When having sex (even the first time) you don’t actually lose anything. You gain experience. This whole attitude of “losing something” is just wrong – we’re supposed to become adults who are capable of enjoying company of each others, also in intimate and physical level. This can be hard and difficult and embarrassing and whatnot but definitely we don’t lose anything. Kindness, approval and ability to listen to your partners desires and needs are the key.
If your BF failed in those aspects you still have gained experience that you can use wisely in the future, you’re the one that is better off after your episode.
Aww OP. I went through the exact same thing, and I’m so sorry you had to go through it too.
I think a lot of the comments here have given some pretty great advice, but just adding my two cents: when I was in your position I thought it would never get better. I felt dirty for losing my virginity to such a mean person. I felt like no one else would want me now that I had a body count. I felt like sex wouldn’t be as good with someone else because it wasn’t the “first time.”
Let me tell you, three years later and everything is so much better. I got a new boyfriend and realized that sex is way, way better than I ever expected it to be (turns out my first boyfriend actually sucked in bed, I just didn’t realize because I didn’t have experience) and every single time is special. It feels like the first time every time! And just because he wasn’t the first person I had sex with, we’ve had lots of other firsts! He’s the first person I’ve felt truly comfortable and confident with. We’ve tried things that neither of us had tried before. It took a long time (and some therapy) for me to get over my first relationship and thoughts surrounding sex, but I did. I can promise you that you will, too. What’s waiting for you out there is so, so much better than you can even imagine it to be ❤️