There’s a lot here, so I’m going to try to summarize as best I can. I (F22) and my husband (M23) got married this last October. We talked about it before we got married and decided to have a baby right away. I’m 5 months pregnant now, due in August.
Shortly after we got married, he started acting so hateful towards me. He was previously married and that relationship was a mess, she allegedly cheated on him, stole from him, and the child he thought was his supposedly isn’t, although that has never been proven with a paternity test. I believe that he still carries a lot of that with him into our relationship, and often i feel that I’m paying the price for what she did.
I’ve had a terrible time with this pregnancy, so sick that most days I couldn’t get out of bed for the first few months. About a month after finding out I was pregnant, he started making comments saying that he was going to get a paternity test for this child just to make sure he doesn’t get screwed over again (but there’s no suspicion of me cheating, which makes that an unfair thing to say imo), and he constantly talks about what she did and makes comparisons of how I am compared to her. He has anger issues and has gotten on top of me and screamed in my face, told me to just divorce him in the middle of an argument, and says he never wanted the child and its my fault for getting pregnant. Money is tight, so he kept pushing me to get a job (I previously worked remotely for a company in Canada, I didn’t have my paperwork for the first few months of our marriage so I couldn’t legally work in the states). I ended up getting a job at a restaurant, but after working there for a bit it became too demanding and there was so much heavy work on the side that they expected that I’ve never experienced working at restaurants before. I didn’t feel like it was good for me and I had to leave early a few times because I started getting cramping and nearly passed out. I’m happy to work, but I dont want to do something that I feel could compromise the health of the baby. He said that all i do is use the pregnancy as an excuse and that my next one will be that I’m in pain after having the child, I’m breastfeeding, I’m tired, etc. Every time I say i need to do certain things, he says you’re fine, dont worry about it. He doesnt seem concerned about me or the baby at all. We havent been able to see an OB yet, because he is in the military and i have not been able to establish healthcare because they are so backed up. That stresses me out obviously, 5 months pregnant and i know nothing about how baby is doing. He told me his mom didnt go to doctors during her pregnancies so i should be fine until i get in. He also made a joke saying ‘well at least if you lose the baby, we’ll get caught up on our bills”. That comment made me so upset, but he told me to “lighten up”. I just don’t know who could joke like that about their own child. It broke my heart.
Early on in our marriage, he also made a comment about how he’s “smart enough to cheat on me and I’d never find out” when we were having a discussion as to why he wouldn’t block his ex wife and exes who were reaching out to him. He says he sees no issue with communicating with exes, although he made me get rid of people I never dated off of my social media. I feel manipulated and controlled, as well as disrespected..who makes a comment like that to your wife and then says that I’m jealous and overbearing? And then this past week, I tested positive for an STD when I went to the hospital to see if they could do anything to let me know how baby was doing after having a lot of cramping. I have been faithful the entire time we were married and haven’t been with another man in 2 years (before we started talking). Obviously I was upset, and he said that made me look guilty. Then he came at me saying that I better not try to pin it on him because I’ve been home while he’s been out training, at work, etc for the military and he’s also been tracking his location the whole time we’ve been married just incase I went crazy and accused him of things like his ex did. I was so shocked. Then he said not to tell anyone and if I leave he will make me look like a bad parent in court because of this and take the child away, and that I can’t prove I didn’t cheat but he can because he “thought ahead” and “covered himself”. I never thought to prove anything because in a trusting relationship, why should you have to?? He says we can just not mention it and assume he got it in the pool somehow, i got it at work, or I had it the whole time and didn’t know it. Idk what to do, I’m under so much stress, and while he can be nice sometimes, it never feels right and I’m definitely not respected by him. I want this child and love this child, but based on his comments I don’t feel he does. There’s so much to this and it’s hard to explain but I never imagined it would turn out like this when I married him. I don’t want this baby to grow up in a situation watching all of this. I’m a child of divorce and it’s hard on kids. I’m just worried about what he will do and say in court about me, even though I have never done anything. Please help.
35 comments
Just curious what made you rush into marriage with a 23 year old with a failed marriage and THEN rush into having a baby.
Maybe pause to consider your impetuous decisions.
Hello sweet child
I too was in a doomed relationship early in my life, there is so, so much I didn’t know in my early 20s.
It sounds like you are in a hell of a pickle, as I’m sure you know. Please surround yourself with people that truly love you (family and friends)
As a guy, I know the bad ones better than most. This young man sounds extremely troubled, already cheated on you, and will bring a lifetime of pain if you let him…
Cut your losses please!
It sounds as if he is very abusive. Do you have parents/family to go back to? He shouldn’t be screaming in your face, making comments that he hopes your baby dies, etc. I’m sorry you are being treated this way.
I wouldn’t be so sure the ex is as crazy as he says.
You are in a highly abusive relationship. I’d be very cautious that you don’t end up as the next crazy ex with a baby that isn’t “his” for his own convenience. It’s time to make a plan. Reach out to a trusted person on YOUR side of the family. Do not involve a mutual friend, someone you know has got your back. Tell them what’s up, you need to de-stress and say it loud to someone to hold yourself accountable to leaving.
I would absolutely start making a plan for an independent life, like yesterday. On the down low, be cool. Don’t react to the gaslighting. Be boring and use any energy you have remaining to get your head straight. Please research narcissistic abuse, I’ve been there and they will make you feel crazy, don’t take the bait. Document everything. Texts messages, voicemails, screenshots but say nothing to him about it. I don’t know what is available in your country but maybe there is some kind of free legal advice you can get to navigate your way out of this.
You deserve love and right now, you must be strong and find a way safely out of this ASAP. This is not something that can be salvaged.
I only read the first paragraph and IDK how tf you’re blaming his past relationships.. I assume that’s his excuse as to why he’s such a shit bag. News flash the only reason the relationship sucked is because he does. He’ll be married again to someone else in a year saying the same shit about you. RUN and don’t expect him to be in the child’s life. You’re still super young and he manipulated and thinks he’s trapped you like he did the first. GTF out of there!
Why would he talk with his exes still if they were crazy?
This guy is claiming his ex cheated on him; a few things:
– why would he continue to talk with her then
– why is he bragging now about how he could cheat on you and you’d never know? It seems like he’s telling on himself
– you tested positive for an STD after he told you he could get away with cheating on you and you’d never know, but you’ve been faithful. He is projecting, and if he knowingly gave you an STD, it could be considered assault. He’s gaslighting you about the STD, there is no way he’s going to get it by SWIMMING IN A POOL.
He’s verbally/emotionally abusive. If he’s going to do this to you, what happens when he does it to your child?
He’s threatening you. These are very real threats.
Divorce may be hard on kids but so is being abused and/or watching your mom be abused.
Is he US military? If so. i, and likely others, can give you some suggestions
Please report his behavior to the ombudsman wherever he is stationed. Document (and date/time) everything that you can, even if it’s you journaling his behaviors.
The ombudsman will help bring this through his chain of command and can help you seek legal services to protect yourself. At a minimum they should have him stay in barracks to allow you to have a safe home.
Can you reach out to family for support? Also, I would bet that his ex/mother of his kid is not crazy, and was probably abused like you. Could you reach out to her for support on how to get out?
If you have to ask strangers….. the answer is usually yes.
You need to get out now. He has some very serious problems . And don’t be his threats. You and your baby will be fine. Can you move out of town? Out of state?
Yes
You already know you should leave, so if you need validation here it is: leave. You were a rebound for him and he is a thoroughly damaged person who used you and this baby as a Band-Aid instead of addressing his issues. Are you from Canada? Go back home asap. Put distance between this monster and your baby.
Married at 18 here! We married 6 years before deciding to have a baby. We worked through many issues up to the pregnancy came but divorce was never discussed until we actually lived through child care. Your marriage always takes a huge strain when children are thrown into the mix.
Look, it’s too late. You need to think about well into the future. If it’s bad now, it’s inky going to get worse when you actually have the child and post partum depression set in. Your going to need a rock to lean on or at minimum, somone who is not stressing you. Then you need to think about the house you will create. This guys not worth it. Make it easier for you now before it get harder later
Something tells me that you somehow got the preview of what marriage with him would be like, yet you chose to ignore the red flags and now you’re in this rut because of a poor decision. Leave.
Had me at your husband being just 23 and once divorced, already.
Cut your losses.
Lots of advice above – I just want to give you a hug xxx
OP, you are in an abusive relationship. He is lying to you about the “crazy” ex because he knows you trust and believe him. He is manipulating you, gaslighting you, and cheating on you.
You need to leave. You are finding out why he is no longer married. He did that. He abused his last wife and she left. He is abusing you, his current wife.
Abusers lie. Please leave.
Good lord, get away from him. Yes you should leave him.
I think you made a mistake and married a jerk. He cheated on you, you can be sure of that. The pool explanation is silly. So he is a jerk and a liar. He obviously has a lot of baggage, but that doesn’t give him the right to treat you like the enemy, and be cold, mean and insensitive towards you and your unborn child. His story about his ex is probably only only his side of it, who knows what he put her through, or what if any of it is even true. I always question men who say their ex was “crazy”. There is usually a good reason why women act “crazy” in the first place (like maybe he cheated on her, denied his own child, was financially abusive, who knows?).
The fact that he is questioning paternity shows who he is, not who you are. He is suspicious because he thinks everyone behaves like he does and is shady like him. An untrustworthy person doesn’t trust others. He sucks as a husband and he does not sound like someone who will be a good father either. On top of all of that, he is already talking about taking this baby away from you, the same baby you both planned to have, but now says he doesn’t want. He also has a double standard as to what he can do, but you can’t. You don’t have much to work with. I think you should cut your losses and see if you can move in with family or someone to help you when this baby comes. Sorry OP! Sometimes it is best to recognize a mistake, and rip the band aid off before the baby comes and makes this even more complicated.
Hi, you got a lot of good advice here, but if you are in the States, you should have free access to medical care while pregnant. You can visit a sliding scale clinic or a Planned Parenthood and they will give you all the information.
a lot of us are children of divorce and i PROMISE you, as a child of divorce AND a narcissistic & abusive parent (which is exactly what your husband sounds like), it is definitely the abusive parent that left me the most wounded.
do you really think divorce is going to be harder for your child than growing up with this?
Is this a serious question? Of course you should leave! Have some self respect!
You need to get out now. Seek out help from a woman’s shelter first but also contact the Canadian Consulate and see how you can legally go home and dissolve the marriage. This guy is a nut job and a narcissist. He is trying to control you. He doesn’t want a wife he wants a sex slave and maid. I’m an old Italian man with three daughters and if someone treated one of my girls even a fraction as bad he’d be sleeping with the fishes 50 miles off NJ in a designer pair of cement penny loafers.
If you meet a man with a “crazy EX”…
Wait to be next.
HE IS THE PROBLEM, you know it.
If he really suspected about the fist one, he would have requested a paternity test.
Girl, run.
There is no way you should’ve married let alone got together with someone who at 23 years old is already divorced, that should’ve sent your red flags flying.
Another thing is you aren’t even entirely sure his narrative of his previous relationship is even true, I do believe his issues came from somewhere, but it shouldn’t be something you have to deal with.
You should absolutely leave him, because his behavior and actions warrant it, you’re not going to find many people who want you to stick it out given what you’ve written here, I’m actually concerned for your safety.
He doesn’t seem mentally capable of taking on their responsibilities it would take to be a contributing member of the household, he sounds selfish controlling and immature. None of those qualities make a husband.
Do what you have to do, but get away from that man before the child is born, because once his name is on the birth certificate you’re going to have a lot more trouble.
You need to reach out to your parents and explain what’s going on if one of them is still in your life, as a father myself I can tell you right now I would do everything in my power to protect you and the baby, I don’t think he’s going to have the resources to fight you in court and succeed, so you need to lean on family if you can. Your baby is the number one priority, and you need to keep the baby away from this monster
1. Do you have solid support system you can go stay with like now? Parents? Family?
2. Find a women’s clinic that you can go to for prenatal care. Call your local hospital to see if they have any information or suggestions. Please don’t wait until you are in labor. Complications happen. Even when we are young and healthy mothers to be.
3. Your husband isn’t fit to be married right now. He obviously experienced some major trauma. He needs to get professional help and you can’t fix him or heal him
Get out. Get out now. This will get worse. Think how little he cares for you and your child to expose you to STIs. Do not think for even a tiny second he didn’t cheat on you. He did. And that’s not even the worst part of your story! Get out.
This is terrible, so sorry you’re going through this.
You are going to have to stay incredibly strong for the next year minimum. Consider this marriage over and just come to terms with that emotionally (which I realize is an insane thing to do while you’re five months pregnant).
Don’t share your feelings with him, he doesn’t care. Anything that you share with him, he will just use later to hurt you. This is a seriously fucked up individual who will continue to have a very dysfunctional entire rest of his life. You can get out now and don’t have to continue letting him impact who you are becoming.
I hope to God that you have family support. If I was you, I would immediately make a plan to physically get out of that situation safely. Do not tell him anything about your plan to leave. Don’t threaten him or make ultimatums – don’t tell him anything. He is not rational and will not behave rationally. Unfortunately, you should be scared for your safety.
Have the baby, get child support, and build a life without him. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that your child having a relationship with this guy is going to be a good thing for the child. It won’t be. If he doesn’t fight for custody, it’s a blessing.
Boy, bai. You have so much life in front of you!
Oh sweetheart, please contact a domestic abuse charity and get out of there. You and your baby deserve so much better xx
RUN. AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
🔹I’m sooo sorry you’re going through this
🔹Being pregnant, giving birth, and breastfeeding are all exhausting things. Do not let him tell you otherwise.
🔹He’s physically and verbally abusive
🔹Based off what you said, it sounds like he cheated. I wanted to let you know that Herpes, HPV, and some other STDs don’t always mean cheating… in times of stress they can come out after being dormant. Your OB can tell you more.
🔹I’m always very pro-make it work, it’s SUPER rare I suggest this on the internet – but run. Get away from him and get custody. Document him saying these things about hurting the baby.
🔹Get to a doctor and check on baby
Sweetie, get out. Divorce him. Go home. I was also married very young to a man like this. I was divorced at age 25. Best thing I ever did. This man will only get worse.