As above says, my GF of 3 years has horrible hygiene. I’ll pretext this by saying she does have depression and it might have something to do with it. But I will never accept that as an excuse, just something you have to overcome.
But she has these days that she calls “lazy” days. Which I can understand, everyone has lazy days. But she takes them a step farther and refuses to brush her teeth or shower on these lazy days because it requires to much “work”. And these lazy days can sometimes be back to back.
Now she is a very thin and beautiful woman, and sometimes I may not even notice she hasn’t brushed her teeth or showered all day. But just the fact that I know she hasn’t is a major turn off for me and grosses me out. And then she’ll get mad if I don’t want to kiss her.
I’ve tried talking to her about it before, but she doesn’t take me seriously. She’ll either laugh it off or get upset saying I’m making her “self-conscious” and that I should stop. How should I approach her so that things actually change?
29 comments
info: is she getting help for her depression? and do you expect her to shower every single day?
You can’t really change her brain. Imagine telling a person who is having a heart attack “just overcome it” I think that’s the problem here. You’re not supportive in her depression which probably makes her more depressed tbh. If you don’t understand a certain disease then maybe you should idk…learn about it.
uhhh it’s extremely bad for both your skin and hair to shower daily, and it’s kinda silly that you are bothered by it when you yourself said you can’t even notice. she doesn’t stink, she clearly cares for her appearance, and she still takes care of herself.
if she smelled or looked bad that would be one thing but you’re being a dick for no reason
Is she going for therapy? I went through something similar one point of time in life. I wrote about my struggles in reddit in comments and was down voted for it. Nevertheless my question to you is again is she going for therapy? That’s essential for her.
I don’t shower every day. I thought it was normal.
If you’ve been together for three years, why wasn’t this brought up sooner? People don’t just change their hygiene habits 3 years into the relationship unless something major happens, like an affair or a cause for grieving. Also here to support the people saying that it’s not good for your hair and skin to shower every single day, as it strips you of the natural oils that are meant to protect you.
It seems like the teeth brushing thing is the problem, maybe that’s the part to talk to her about. And you have to just be honest. Like “I know you have days where it’s hard to be motivated, but when you don’t brush your teeth I can tell and it really bothers me. If you want me to want to kiss you, you’re gonna have to brush your teeth.”
My husband and I both have the same issue. Why not try supporting them and saying “hey let’s brush together”. You are just sounding like an asshole.
Brushing your teeth at least once a day normal.
Not showering everyday also normal.
Looking at it from a health standpoint. We brush our teeth everyday to prevent gum disease and cavities.
Showering everyday is bad for your skin and hair.
I have MDD and do the same thing…It’s a real disorder, you just don’t understand it because you don’t have it.
I hope this is bait. Good lord.
Okay, setting aside the fact that you just equated body shape to outward beauty…
Not everyone needs to shower every single day. People who are inactive don’t sweat as much as people who are very active, and some people just naturally take longer to start smelling. Someone who showered and then stayed inside all day doing basic house work is not going to stink as soon as someone who showered and then went to run a 5k.
Now if she’s refusing to shower for more than a few days to a week, thats a different problem.
However, you cannot change someone who doesn’t want to change. If she won’t brush her teeth even after you’ve said that you are grossed out by the thought of kissing someone who hasn’t done so, you may end up with only two options.
Deal with it, or break up with her.
I would ask her to get up and brush her teeth with you and maybe shower together. Do intimate sweet things and help wash her hair and maybe scrub her back. I personally shower daily 98% of the time. I wash my hair every 3 days however. I have to shower daily if I don’t , most days it makes me mad because I feel gross. I mean I get where your coming from. Also hygiene is important for health reasons. But I know I’ve really loved my exes even with their poor habits. So ya gotta think is she your 80% of everything you want because no one is 100%
People get so depressed they kill themselves homie, a little bad breath is better than her being dead. Try to talk to her about her depression and seeking professional help rather than shaming her for being gross for a bit
My last depressive episode resulted in me not washing or showering for 2 weeks, to say its something you can just “overcome” shows just how clueless you are when it comes to mental health.
Maybe try being a supportive boyfriend instead of a judgmental prick.
Lol this reminds me of that one TikTok audio.
“Ew, people’s depression gets so bad they stop showering?”
“Dude, people’s depression gets so bad they kill themselves.”
Be honest, but gentle. If you’ve been together three years successfully then this topic shouldn’t be off limits or uncomfortable. If I fall into a depressive state (BP1 here), my husband will just tell me like babe… I understand you don’t want to do anything right now, but you need to take care of yourself. I don’t find it insulting, but rather supporting honestly. If he didn’t tell me, then we either have a closed/shallow relationship or he simply doesn’t care IMO.
I’m not really sure what to say about the teeth brushing thing, other than try to make it something you both do together. Maybe listen to music or watch random videos online during to make it more motivating.
As far as showering goes, if it’s just skipping a day I don’t think that’s something to worry about. Plenty of people only shower every other day. If it’s multiple days in a row though, I can see how that would be an issue. Maybe offer to run her a bath so she can relax for a bit. Get her a cute bath bomb or bubble bath or something. You could even offer to wash her hair for her! Stuff like that would probably make her feel so loved, especially when she’s struggling.
This entire question is a mask for what you wanted to really know: “when will my gf stop faking her sadness and be the perfect version of the woman I want?” Guess what DB, depression is a mental illness that affects people in ways you will never understand. I honestly hope she sees this so she can see how you really feel about her and go find someone actually compassionate and understanding. She doesn’t take you seriously because you’re ridiculous. You don’t deserve her.
Look man, if it isn’t a deal-breaker than basically all you can do is sit her down and have a heart-to-heart. Obviously you like her so having these hard talks is important.
Nobody showers every day unless they work a physical labor job. That’s not the standard. You clearly don’t know anything about depression. I feel sorry for your girlfriend
When I was depressed the only reason why I had basic hygiene was because I’ve slept in the bathtub. I’ve slept in the bathtub because I needed to wash my hair in order to get out of it because my hair was a mess but it was so incredibly hard to just sit up no to mention all the other steps you have to do in order to wash your hair. I started washing myself in the afternoon and it took me until the morning of the next day.
Once I was done I would put my facade on and go to college, mostly being too late. As soon as I was home I found myself in the bed again, starving because just rolling around in bed was too much for me, I didn’t even think of getting up to make myself food and I didn’t feel like needing food anyway.
Its not being lazy. When you are severely depressed you are *unable* to even do the tiniest things.
You’ve made 3 posts about her in the last hour. This is no longer about having a chat about hygiene. It’s about having a chat about your relationship. Don’t care who the problem is, you’ve complained about her three times on here now, no one deserves to be on either side of this in a relationship.
Showering every day is really bad for most people. Unless you have straight hair that’s prone to getting oily, most people need to shower every other day or even every few days depending on their hair and skin.
Showering every day strips your hair of a lot of important oils and causes damage when you’re washing it unnecessarily.
I’m personally very focused on hygiene as I have depression and find things like shaving or curling my hair relaxing. I know what it’s like to struggle to get up, and I think you’re trying to put a lot of pressure on her.
I think you need to breathe. People aren’t perfect. Relationships with mental struggles take more effort, too. Your lack of understanding and desire for control isn’t good for you or her.
You can encourage her to brush her teeth or shower regularly. Hygiene is important, yes. I think you’re being anal about it, though. Cut her some slack. There’s women out there that struggle to get out of bed for years. Women with hair so matted it takes over eight hours to untangle from such severe emptiness.
That isn’t an excuse, but you should be grateful for the effort she DOES put in.
I’ve been so depressed before that I couldn’t take care of myself either. I know you say it’s no excuse but the reason I wasn’t talking care of myself myself was because I didn’t think I’d live long enough for it to matter, I hated myself to much to be worth putting any effort in. Just trying to help you understand.
Having people telling you “it’s no excuse” and “your just lazy” makes it so much worse. If you have a heart in there somewhere help her through it instead of just insulting her. This was so sad for me to read because it reminded me of people treated me when I was depressed, it’s not a fun place to be
People like you with no empathy who don’t struggle with depression everyday have no reason to be in a relationship like this. I hope she leaves you. Leaves you for someone a little more considerate. Telling her to “just overcome it” is disrespectful and disgusting.
Do this woman a favour and break up with her. The way you speak about her is disgusting. Absolutely dripping with misogyny.
As someone with depression and have a spouse with depression. You are an asshole. There are better ways to try to get her to take care of herself. But depression literally prevents people from doing daily tasks like washing their ass or brushing their teeth. Even getting out of bed and drinking water is hard. You can try to find more comforting ways to get her to shower. Like shower with her. Or doing these other tasks with her. But to simply say you’re disgusted by her depression is weird and I hope she finds better.
**Yes she’s getting help and is taking meds. But I’ve been around people with depression my whole life. I can tell she’s milking it. Yes I expect her to shower every day. I feel like that’s the bare minimum lol.**
Fuck you and the whole she’s milking it bullshit. Attitudes like yours is what helps push people over the edge. Break up so she can find someone who isn’t a pos.