Hi all. This is a burner account for obvious reasons. My relationship with my husband has been a struggle for some time now. We have been together since we were teens and married for almost 10 years now. We have 1 toddler aged child together. We have had personal struggles/stressors, we each lost a parent and have struggled with depression and anxiety. We faced financial difficulty during Covid and now have had to give up our home to move into the home of a parent for help.
Our lives have been rocked heavily for the last 5 years. It’s been one mountain after another. Despite the hardship, I know he loves me and I love him, but I can’t help but feel like it’s destroyed us. He barely talks to me. I don’t remember the last time he touched me, to kiss me or for sexual intimacy. He’s irritable. Everything he says is a complaint. He stops and starts antidepressants. He doesn’t do anything to improve his life or ours. No therapy, no exercise, no journaling.. I have asked him to get therapy, I have communicated with him over and over again (for years at this point) that I am not happy and I need him to get help or make changes to salvage our relationship.
Nothing ever changes. I’m very unhappy. I’m so lonely, I don’t know how one spouse can decide that a physical relationship isn’t important when I tell him time and time again that I am a human that needs touch and I am not interested in acting as roommates in a sexless marriage.
I just feel as though he has made it clear what he wants, or doesn’t want, and that is to put effort into the things and hardships that I discuss with him.
Has anyone experienced this? Any advice? I know there are many posts about sexless marriages here. I’m not interested in that being my life .. thanks in advance.
8 comments
The last few years have certainly been tough. But if he isn’t talking with you, isn’t showing any kind of physical intimacy, generally complains, and isn’t trying anything…there are limits to what you can do.
I’m not a fan of ultimatums. But I think it is fair to be clear that you don’t see a way forward in the marriage if you and he are unable to talk about issues and act on plans to try to make things better. If he remains intransigent, then you have the right to call for an end.
It takes two to make a successful and happy marriage.
Speaking to you, you need to clearly and expressly set your boundaries and conditions and what the consequences will be. Sometimes, it takes a 2×4 to the head for a man to pull his head out.
What are the emotional bricks that make up the walls between you both?
What was his childhood like?
What is his parent’s relationship like?
Have you started therapy or working out or journaling?
I am not going to tell you what to do, but this might be the time to lay it all out on the table since you are planning on moving. If you are looking out to your future and you do not like what you are seeing, you need to let him know that things need to change (i.e. him seeing a doctor, meds, counseling, etc.) to try to fix the issues in your marriage or you will not be moving with him. I know it is scary, especially with a small child, but it can be done. I did it. I did it with THREE small children. And it was worth it. I endured it for almost 15 years and decided I didn’t want to do it one more day. Your happiness, well-being and your child’s happiness is IMPORTANT. Think about it. I wish the best for you. You are stronger than you think.
Schedule four meetings with a marriage therapist. Tell him you are going yourself and you want him to come. Tell him if he doesn’t come by the 2nd(, or third, 4th visit) up to you, your next conversation with him will be about separation.
I was really resistant to going when my wife demanded we go. I’m glad I did. But my wife made it clear that I had to or I was out of the house.
I think it would be harder for him to know there is a therapy appointment that he is missing and not go. Just admitting you need therapy is a huge roadblock, but going is half the bottle because it is a tacit admission there’s a problem.
My opinion is that there is nothing wrong with an ultimatum when it gets to the point you are at.
If he does not agree to therapy and probably an antidepressant, then nothing will change. I would sit down with him and let him know you’d ent go on with this and that the only way you will stay is if he agrees to be evaluated for medications and to see a therapist. If he refuses then make a plan to officially separate. Otherwise more years will go by with both of you being miserable.
You need marriage counseling like yesterday my dude. So many people think marriage counseling spells “the end.” It’s not true. As long as you’re both willing to try, to put in the effort and haven’t moved on from the relationship mentally, if will work. If you have a shred of love for each other left, it’s worth a try.
If you love each other then the marriage is worth saving. What you need to know/decide is what are you going to do to save it. Something in the last 5 years sent your husband down the wrong path. His anger indicates that he needs help and it will be up to him to decide to do it. If he feels forced into it he may not come away with anything. He can also go to a 12-step group like Celebrate Recovery. He just needs to decide to make the changes necessary. And it may take an ultimatum to get him there – that’s what worked for me.