I (15m) have a stepmom Alena (41f). My mom died when I was 8 and Alena has been in my life since I was 9. I remember on her and my dad’s (40m) wedding day, she recited vows to me about how she wasn’t trying to replace my mom but that she was going to try to be the best other mom she could be to me. She has let me know since her wedding day that if I wanted to call her mom I could.
I honestly love Alena and she has been “a mom” to me but I don’t think she could ever be “my mom”. She has always referred to me as her son and when my sister was born she posted on social media that she now has two kids instead of just one.
Yesterday was her and my dad’s anniversary and during it she asked to talk to me privately. She handed me a gift inside was adoption papers,a picture of us,and a picture of my mom. She went on a whole speech about how she loves me so much and that I was her boy and that she wanted to adopt me etc. After she said that she will give me time to think about it.
I want to know what to do because I love Alena and I do want her to adopt me but a part of me says that I would be betraying my mom. Does anyone at all have advice cause I posted on another sub but didn’t get many answers.
TLDR,my stepmom asked to adopt me.
34 comments
Your mother will always be a part of you, you don’t have to give up that part of you to make your stepmother happy and if she truly cares about you she’ll understand. This decision has to come from you, don’t let her or your father influence it. Good luck!
You are NOT betraying your mother. Your mum wanted the best of everything for you. Your dad and Alena want the best for you, too. You are surrounded by people who love you. Loving Alena does NOT mean that you didn’t love your first mum. Go on loving your first mum – but also love your second mum as it’s obvious that she loves you.
You’re incredibly lucky to have so much love! Your mom will never be replaced and Alena just seems so loving and conscious of that.
Let her adopt you. Call her new mom. Talk about your old mom often.
This isn’t just a sentimental matter; it is a legal one. Her adopting you would create a legal bond between you and her that could potentially be very beneficial to you. And being adopted after a parent has died does not in any way make your dead parent less your parent. Your mother will always be your mother. An adoption won’t change that. But if you do trust her and love her, and it sounds like you do, then this could be a very good option for both of you.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure other people will talk about other aspects of the situation, but I’m a lawyer and I want to talk about the legal aspects. I’m not *your* lawyer, and I can’t give you any legal advice, but what I can tell you is that allowing Alena to adopt you is probably smart from a legal perspective. (I’m assuming you’re in the US.)
Right now, Alena may have no legal rights to you. If something happened to your dad before you turn 18, you would *most likely* end up staying with her, but it’s not guaranteed, and there would be paperwork and court appearances involved. If she adopts you, there’s no question you’d stay with her and your sister, and there would be no paperwork or court. Relatedly, if something happened to her, right now you may have no right to an inheritance, but that would change if she adopts you; you’d have the same rights as your sister.
I didn’t know your mom, but I have to think that she would want you to have as much legal protection as possible, because that’s what any good mom would want. You aren’t replacing her. You’re just doing the smart thing.
Call her something other than what you called your Mom, maybe Mum or Ma or Mom or NewMa or something else.
Also maybe you could talk to your dad about your conflicting loyalty with your mom, would he be willing to do that? Would he be any good at that? Or maybe a teacher at school that you think might be good at that kind of confidence?
You don’t need to accept her offer, just say thank you but she isn’t your real mother, pretty straightforward
I think your mom would be so happy that her child has someone who loves her child so much. Your stepmom doesn’t replace your mom’s love, she adds to it.
Oh, my heart goes out to you. I don’t think that you’re stepmom is trying to replace your mom – I think that she loves you and she wants to formalize that. As others have said, if anything happens to your dad, then it’s possible that, in the eyes of the state, you two would not be deemed to be mom/son. After all – there’s no blood connection between you.
I know that you said that being adopted by Alena feels like a betrayal of your mom – but nothing that you can do can make your mom not your mom. Nothing that happens now can erase the fact that your mom gave birth to you. That’s never going to change. But that’s the past. But what harm would it do to your mom for you to be adopted by Alena? Would it make your bio-mom not your mom? No. Are you rejecting your bio-mom in favour of your step-mom? Doesn’t sound like it. Do you still love your bio-mom, even though she isn’t here any more? Yeah – I can see that you do.
This isn’t an either-or choice between the two of them – it’s an AND situation. You have a mother – she died, and can’t parent you and take care of you any more, and that’s sad. But you also have your step-mom – who loves you so much that she wants to formalize the bond that exists between you two. You aren’t dishonoring your mom by accepting adoption from Alena. You’re not taking anything away from your bio-mom – you’re adding depth to the love that you get from Alena.
That being said – you get to decide. You get to figure out what’s right for you. Alena seems wise enough not to press you on this, and that’s a really good thing. Think it over, and maybe talk to Alena and your dad about why you’re hesitating. This is a big decision – and there’s nothing wrong with leaving it as it is for now.
I’m sorry for your loss, and I am sorry for the struggle that you’re facing right now, but listen to your heart, and choose what’s right for YOU. Good luck, OP
I don’t believe in the afterlife, but if I did, I think your mom would be crying right now. I bet she’d be beyond happy that you got lucky enough to have another mother figure in your life who loves you just as much as she did.
Your feelings are completely understandable and normal. If you want her to adopt her, but aren’t ready to call her mom, just let her know that you love her and would be honored to be her son, even if you aren’t ready for that word.
It’s OK to love her and let her love you. Love is one of those things that the more you give, the more you receive, the more there is to share.
Your mom may have been the kind of person who would have been quite relieved you have a good support team and bonus parent.
You might want to talk to her about how you are feeling, that you are conflicted because this is such a meaningful moment. It could be a wonderful conversation. Maybe bake cookies or something?
So, grew up pretty similar. Mom died when I was 5, stepmom came around when I was 7.
My sister started calling our stepmom, mom, when we were teenagers. It made my stepmom feel really good, but it annoyed the hell out of me for the same reason you have.
It felt completely disrespectful to our mom. To be fair, my sister is younger and never really got to know our mom.
I did kinda try one time. On mother’s day, I wrote mom, after happy mothers day. It made my stepmom happy, but made me feel extremely guilty.
I realized that it wasn’t just guilt I felt, it just really hurt, not being able to say it to my mom.
Just hearing my step siblings say mom to her, hurt.
Just sit down with her and let her know how much it means that she sees you that way, and that you appreciate her. But you just wouldn’t feel right about it.
Fast forward years and years later. I heard my daughter call her future stepmom, smom. That’s not a typo. It’s cute and honestly wish I would’ve thought of it when I was younger.
She can be made your legal guardian while you are a minor without adopting you. You need to think carefully about this, as it will sever your legal relationship to your maternal family. This can affect inheritances, depending on how wills/trusts are written. Also, if you currently get SSI that might stop.
Sometimes your birth certificate gets altered also, to remove your mother entirely. Basically, your mom will be legally obliterated from your life, which some kids find traumatic later in life. She can always adopt you as an adult but the adoption can’t be reversed if you change your mind. I don’t think stepparents should push this, honestly.
I am a mom. The kind of mom who loves every kid I ever meet.
Your birth mother loved you. And I am 100% certain that she would be really happy to know you are so important to someone else.
There is no betrayal but you should only do what you feel is right.
No one ever had too many people who loved them. Listen to your Heart ❤️
As a newish mother, I just want to tell you, if god forbid something ever happen to me, I pray that my son ends up with a second mother like your step mother, and being adopted by her would not be a betrayal in the least.
I think your Mom sent you Alena. The fact that Alena included a picture of your mom when she gave you the gift just shows that she knows she’ll never replace your mother, but she wants to stand in as your mom.. which as a woman, is all I would want for my child if they lost me!
Your mum would want you to have a mum hun.
Part of being a parent is wanting the very best for your child. Any parent will tell you, if they had to leave their young child alone to face the world without them. Their most fervent wish would be for someone like your stepmum to come along. Knowing that your child will get adopted into the heart of another mother, and be raised with as much love and care as you would have given them…
It’s all any of us could ask for, under those circumstances.
It’s okay to feel guilty about wanting to do this, but your mum’s place in your heart cannot be diminished by a legal document or by loving your stepmum as a mother now.
Love is not a finite resource, and there are no limits on the number of mother figures a person can have. If you want to do this, or if the legal practicalities make it a good idea, do it. If you need or want some therapy, time, support or space to work through your feelings about this decision, ask for it.
I promise that both your mum would want you to choose, not between them, but what’s best for you. Whatever you decide, they would both understand.
I’m a mom, and I bet your mother would be incredibly happy to know that someone loves her son almost as much as she did. Don’t worry about betraying her; you know she will always be your one and only mother. But you have the chance to have a bonus mom, and that is a precious gift.
i don’t think you would be betraying your mom, if alena adopted you.
Adoption in the US removes the birth parent/s from the birth certificate and severs the legal relationship to that parent/s.
There are other legal avenues to create a permanent bond and legal protections, such as legal guardianship.
Sounds like she genuinely loves you as her son. The only negative things I could see going through with the adoption is if it may cause you to lose any inheritance from your deceased mother’s estate or family or if your dad is receiving social security survivor benefits(if you live in the United States) for you as long as you are a minor in his custody. If there is nothing to lose legally, I don’t see what harm there is in accepting her as your mom. My biological child(now an adult) calls my current wife(2nd wife, been married for 16 years) Mom. My three stepchildren love me just as much as my bio child does, and I reciprocate that love. I never approached adopting my stepchildren(who are now all adults) because their father is still alive and they love him, even though there were several years he was pretty absent from their lives. If he were gone, I would have adopted them if they would have let me without a second thought. My wife also said she would have supported me if I wanted to adopt her children. I also have custody of one of my godchildren who is close to your age who asked me to adopt them, but I can’t because it would cost my godchild a substantial inheritance from grandparents. I still get to be called Dad and they understand I am protecting their financial future from some of her other shady family members who want to steal the inheritance.
I am pretty sure your mom would be so happy to know you are loved so much by another mother who continues to do everything she can to show you love and acceptance by wanting to legally claim you as her own child. She sounds awesome.
If I were to die, my only hope would be that someone loved my kids as much as I do and that they would treat/view them as their own. That they would have a mother figure in their life. I love that she has had the ability to view you that way. It doesn’t sound like she’s trying to take your moms place, but is showing her the respect of loving her child as she loves her own.
Hi Friend. It’s hard and complicated, isn’t it?
First, the heart can stretch to hold love beyond measure. We never betray people who’ve died by loving more and opening our hearts. The heart is a muscle. When a muscle isn’t used? It atrophies. Hearts grow stronger when we use them.
I want to tell you there is no wrong answer here. I promise. None. And there’s no rush, ok? Take time to make big decisions. You’re dealing with a lot. If you haven’t gotten to talk with a therapist or counselor, think about asking to. You deserve to talk though all this with an adult who’s only interest is helping you figure out what you want with no pressure.
If you want Alena to adopt you, that’s ok. She loves you. She sounds amazing. My husband’s stepmom has been in his life since he was 7. She’s the heart of our family- and amazing mom, mom-in-law, and grandma. I can’t imaging our lives without her. I’m so glad Alena’s been a part of your life. We’re lucky my husband has had two moms.
But. He’s not adopted by her. But she’s still his mom in all the ways that count to him. But that’s their choice. Right?
There are some legal parts to adoption that are big. You should understand what it means and talk about it with your family and maybe a therapist- especially because you’re feeling some questions around this. Learn about things like legal guardianship. No-it’s not the same as adoption, but it has legal status.
The most important thing, friend? Talk with Alena. Be honest. She’s a mom. She’s your mom, right? Whether or not your names are on a paper together, she’s your mom. Talk about how this is making you feel. Your first mom, your now mom- all both these women have wanted for you is a good life. It’s ok that talking about adoption is hard. Because… it is. It represents a lot. It means a lot.
This is a no-judgement post, my friend. Whatever you decide is the right answer. It sounds like you’ve been lucky to be loved by two really amazing women. I’m so glad for that. It sounds like Alena wants to make sure you know how committed and dedicated she is to you and to being a source of unconditional love and support for you- always. That’s really amazing. With love like that, I know she’ll help you find the right answer together. And I know she’ll understand how hard this is for you.
She can be “your mom” without being your only mom. It’s not a betrayal for you to accept that. If I wasn’t able to be there for my son any more I’d be relieved to know that somebody was willing to step up – especially somebody who seemed intent on showing that they aren’t trying to replace me – and that he was willing to accept them even if they were just ‘the next best thing’ to him.
She won’t be replacing your mom. You will have another mom. Another cool mom, to add to the mom you still love and cherish. It won’t be a betrayal. I think your mom would be happy that someone great came along to help you when she couldn’t.
You can call her whatever’s comfortable, and make whatever choice you’re good with. Don’t feel like you HAVE to do anything. But you would not be betraying your mother
Your stepmom sounds like an amazing mom, I don’t think you’re betraying your mom if you sign those adoption papers. She’ll always be your mom no matter what. Accepting the adoption just means that you just have two moms instead of one. I feel that you’re very lucky to have such a stepmother like Alena in your life and I don’t think she’ll be upset if you decided not to be adopted.
It wouldn’t be betraying your mum at all. Good mums just want their kids to be loved, and that’s what Alena is doing. It’s very clear that she doesn’t want to replace or erase your birth mum, you just have the option of having multiple mums.
But the law doesn’t make a family, and you could make it work any way that’s comfortable for you.
E.g. yes adoption, but you don’t call her mum. Or no adoption but you do. Or you come up with a different name for her. Or you don’t do any of these things and just acknowledge your bond in whatever way feels comfortable.
But I’m a mum, and I would just want my kids to feel loved and supported. That would be the very opposite of a betrayal.
If you accept, you aren’t kicking your mom out, you’re just adding a second mom in. You can love more than one. In my opinion adding that picture of your mom in there is proof she isn’t trying to take over or kick your first mom out of your heart. You aren’t expected to love her any less. This is just a show of your stepmom’s love for you, not any condemnation of love for your mom. Honestly, maybe it would help to have this conversation with your stepmom and see what she says? It might help settle your mind on the matter
It’s not betraying your mum. It never will be. You mum will always have a place in your heart. It’s not replacing her or anything.
You don’t run out of love
She wants to take you under her wing.
Also being adopted won’t change anything, you still call her what you call her, nothing has to change
​
Just now you hAve two legal gardians.
First of all, no one knows how your biological mother would gave felt if another woman adopts you. You need to think long and hard about this decision. You will no longer have ties to your birth mom and she will be removed from your birth certificate. So basically you will be removing your birth mom from every aspect of your life.
OP so many l parents I talk to are so terrified of passing away because of what might happen to their kids. The greatest joy in a parents life would be finding someone who loves their kids as their own, especially if the parent can’t be there anymore. You wouldn’t be betraying your mom at all. But ultimately it’s about how you feel.
Dear OP,
If you decide adoption is a good choice for you, I would like to offer a suggestion to add some more fun. What if you adopt her too? Put together a little ceremony or write a letter. In my mind, it would show everyone that this is a choice **you** are making that is very different than other relationships.
It is a relationship that is important to you both.
No matter what you decide, you are not wrong.
Your step mum by giving a picture of your mum is showing that she isn’t trying to replace your mum just reinforcing her love for you. I speak as a parent to two children we adopted