My (32F) husband (35M) mom has come to live with us for 3 months. We belong to south Asian culture and he has a very close relationship with his mom. For the last 3 months, my husband has spent all his free time with his mother – either watching TV, going for walks, etc. He would hardly spend any time with me. His reason is that his mom is here only for a short duration but I am not ok with being disregarding for months due to that. Now he has also started cooking with her. When I suggested we cook together he said no, he will cook with his mom. He doesn’t care for my feelings and doesn’t even ask me if I am ok with it. It’s more like he has made a decision and he is communicating it to me. Even if he has a bad headache he will make sure he spends time with his mom but I don’t think he would do the same for me – am I being a doormat?
TLDR; husband spends obscene amount of time with his mom and I am uncomfortable
7 comments
I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess this hasn’t come out of nowhere. Culturally that’s normal and probably how it’s always been? I’m not sure how you would change it or even if you can.
I would just go do shit for myself and he can hang out with mommy. When she’s gone you can have a deeper discussion about it.
Is it expected that she’d move in with you one day when she can’t live on her own? Do you have kids now or are planning to?
Sorry, you will never be able to compete with his mother. Unless the mother is toxic, but in this case let him have his space and i am sure he will appreciate you more for this. Please relax, as long as he is not spending time without you for another reason, Let him have his time.
This is clearly an issue between you and your partner. However, I am curious as to how your relationship is with your mother in law.
Are you on good or bad terms with her?
>His reason is that his mom is here only for a short duration
She has come to live with you for three months. She has already been with you for three months, what is it about this situation that makes you think that this is going to be a short duration, and not permanent?
If he’s not prepared to spend time with you, or to even discuss the fact of his abandonment with you, then given your culture, your options are very limited.
As a priority you need to start carving out your own life without either of them, because you can’t live in a vacuum. Put money aside in your own name, gather together your documents e.g. birth certificate & passport, and if you don’t work start looking for a job, and focus on developing your own support networks.
Yes, your marriage might work out, but this doesn’t bode well and you need to take steps to protect yourself if it does not.
I heard that many south Asian dudes are mama’s boy kinda guys. Not to stereotype, but I’m just sayin’ that could be why.
You will never be able to break that bond, or ultimately even try and compete for attention when it comes to a south asian boy and his mom, regardless of whether he is a grown man, a husband etc. What I do suggest is taking time to talk to him about how you feel, and his lack of time or even connection to you ever since his mother has been around. I have seen on your previous post, there is a lot of mention about pregnancy and I am highly sure in this period of your life – you need his love and support now more than ever.
She was supposed to only stay for 3 months, and she seems to be staying for longer than 3 months – one of the things that need to be communicated.
The issue with south asian culture, and the mothers is this sort of unsaid controlling bond that the mothers and sons have to overcompensate for “how much the mother has dedicated for her son” so there tends to be no respect for outsiders “outside of the original family arrangement “ including you.
Draw boundaries, speak up and set the tone. you are just as much his wife and his mother is his mother.
>My (32F) husband (35M) mom has come to live with us for 3 months.
Noooooooooo. Inviting your in-laws to live with you long term is bound to end in disaster, just like when someone here posts about “So I managed to go no-contact with my narcissistic parents, but moved back in with them and now I am being abused, how do I maintain some boundaries?”
Inviting an in-law into your home is usually the kiss of death to any romantic relationship. It’s pretty hard to have decent sex or walk around the house naked as a couple when his mother might poke her nose out at any moment.
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> For the last 3 months, my husband has spent all his free time with his mother – either watching TV, going for walks
He’d rather spend time with his mother than his wife. Big red flag.
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>His reason is that his mom is here only for a short duration
3 months isn’t a ‘short duration’, and that’s not an excuse to ignore your needs. And you might want to tell him that if he keeps treating you this way, you might only be ‘here for a short duration’.