I’m 20m and she recently moved in with me. She dosnt believe in premarital sex and gets mad when she finds out I jerked off because she has no way of knowing if I’m thinking about another girl or not.
I’m not allowed to see her naked or even use the internet for anything like that and I’m getting kind of annoyed at her for basically attempting to force me to go a few years without any sexual pleasure. How do I handle this
43 comments
Fuck that … sex is a perfectly healthy emotion … if she’s cutting you off now, it’s not going to get better …
If you guys are in the US, and in college, usually they offer human sexuality classes that you can take together.
> How do I handle this
Your body, your choice.
Run
Totally unfair. Masturbation is completely normal, even in a relationship. To deny you of pleasure is a red flag. If she isn’t doing anything for you (oral, handjobs, etc) then I would seriously question how this is going to go even after marriage.
Stand your ground, let her know this is something you need for your own mental health. This is a dealbreaker. She can either accept it or leave because it is not acceptable to her, but you will not abstain from masterbation.
As far as your thoughts.. are you seriously ok with someone policing your thoughts, and treating you differently because of what they “perceive” your thoughts to be? I don’t know, maybe you think this is ok, but it’s a very big red flag to me. Your thoughts are your own, and I would run from anyone who thinks otherwise. But if you don’t agree.. at a minimum you should tell her that she needs to trust you, and if she can’t it’s not going to work.
gtfo as long as you still can, she is going to be a control freak for the rest of your relationship.
I feel so sorry for you, tbh.
You walk away from the crazy. This will not end well for you.
It takes 2 ppl to date. Can u survive til marriage? How certain are u that ur needs will be met once u commit? The answer to most of this conundrum is personal. Keep in mind, it’s not like once u get married she’ll change her stance on masterbation. My sexual gratification is too important to me to remain a mystery up until marriage. I also have too high of a libido to go that long without even “self-service”, id go crazy and she’s not leaving room for much compromise. This sounds like a sexual compatibility issue.
This is going to be an issue the rest of your life if you marry her. Even if you are finally having sex with her, if she’s not wanting sex as often as you are, she’s not going to want you to masturbate because again she won’t be able to “ensure you aren’t thinking of someone else”. Which BTW is fucking ridiculous. You should be able to think of whatever you want. I would NEVER expect my husband to not masturbate or if he did to be sure to think of me. Stupid.
You two are not sexually compatible. It sucks. But it’s so important in a relationship. You need to consider leaving or if you really want to work it out, you both need to see a sex therapist together so you can get on the same page.
I have a feeling that mentioning a sex therapist will put her into shock though. So consider that you are probably going to break up.
Run. Fast.
Its not healthy wanting your partner to stop jerking off bc you are too jealous for no reason.
Bro that’s a serious red flag.
A) I would never ever marry someone that I have not had sex with. What if she is a dud in the sack and has no interest in rectifying that. And so many other things could be wrong
B) What if you think of someone else while having sex with her. Blurt out an old gf’s name. That shit happens.
C) She does not get your masturbation schedule. Fuck that shit.
For the sake of your mental health, for the rest of your life, and for your eventual kids sexual health gtfo out, or at the very least set some ground rules now. Your cock, your choice. Chastity is only on the table if you both enjoy it.
Run now – do not stop. More Red Flags than you realize.
Run Forrest Run!
Don’t walk. Run.
Being with someone controlling is bad news, and someone trying to control what you do by yourself with your own body is about is controlling as it gets.
Just wait until she realizes that she also has no way of knowing if you’re thinking of another girl while you have sex with her.
That’s a level of possessiveness, control, and jealousy that makes me afraid for you.
If you have any self respect, drop this woman like a hot potato.
Your cock/your choice
She does not get to tell you what to do with your own body. If you want to masturbate then masturbate. And think about whomever you fucking want.
Her insecurities do not get to rule your life.
Everything you have described here is a HUGE collection of red flags. She is trying to control you which is not ok, AND you are not standing up for yourself against her attempts at this control.
Some strong boundaries on your part need to be put in place here or she is going to just run right over you.
Honestly, this is not the type of person you want to marry…
You’re making a mistake waiting until marriage.
You’re making a mistake waiting until marriage with somebody that insecure.
Mistakes on mistakes.
Jerk off.
Let her catch you.
Lock eyes with her until you finish.
You leave her? Jesus fuck man, how come you accept this?
You are allowed to masturbate and to watch porn etc. No one else gets a say in your solo sex life if you don’t want them to.
Personally, in my experience, someone who starts out controlling will only get worse with time.
She moved in with you and don’t believe in premarital sex? Wrong move. I understand no premarital sex but in this case you avoid being in situations leading to sex. How are you going to do that living with her?
“She gets mad when she finds out I jerked off because she has no way of knowing if I am thinking about another girl or not” how big of a red flag do you want? RUN DUDE!
Everyone has their beliefs and their rights.
But, just from your very short post, it does not sound like your beliefs and your rights align with your girlfriend’s.
Not allowing someone to masturbate is a red flag.
Worrying about (not knowing) whether they are thinking of someone else is a major red flag.
I have said this 1,000x. Behavior in the bedroom also spills out into other aspects of life as well. What else will she not allow you to do? What else will she be monitoring you about?
And, on top of all this, what will you do if (and more likely when) you find out you are not sexually compatible, because you guys never experimented or discuss it? What if you find out you are not attracted to her body (you have never seen her naked)?
I super hate to say this, but this all sounds like the start of unhappiness.
She moved in with you so I presume it’s your place. You could have problems once you’re married. Why did she move in if she’s so strict? You need to try out the sex before agreeing to marry. Tell her that’s the deal. She sounds really controlling.
My brother in Christ, get the hell away from that relationship before it’s too late
You have a bunch of responses, and no replies from you. I’m very curious what you think of the responses.
My first thought is you should gtfo, but obviously there is more to it than that and that is easy for us strangers to say. And you probably love her and are scared to actually leave. I really think you each need to talk to a therapist either solo, as a couple, or all of the above.
Check out some sex and relationship books. Ask for some titles here. ‘Come as You Are,’ is probably a good start. Insist that she reads them too, as a condition of moving forward. What she is asking is not healthy and manipulative, whatever you do, do not agree to refrain from masturbation now or any time in your life.
If you want an example of how abstinence works out, take a look at all the documented cases of sex crimes by Catholic Priests.
I’m wondering why in the world she moved in with you then. It’s perfectly fine to want to wait until marriage for sex if you want to. But usually that will go hand in hand with waiting until marriage to live together as well. That seems super odd to me. I would say it was not a great idea to move in together knowing that sex is off the table, and especially at such a young age.
You already know the answer, you’re just in denial about it
Um, you leave.
This is more than just sex. She’s controlling who you might possibly be thinking about. She’s controlling you to an extreme because she’s insecure . This will get worse after you have sex.
Brother, do you really want to marry someone you’ve never had sex with? I know it’s a religious thing but Jesus you will have no clue what sex with her is like, whether your libidos match, etc. you already know she has a sex negative outlook and is insecure. If you got to have sex with her you wouldn’t be jerking off so much 🤣.
Also, do you believe in premarital sex? It sounds like you don’t really care and are just doing it for her. Terrible idea. She is trying to control you and negate your wants and needs. Fuckkkkk that.
It’s healthy for both men and women to masturbate, but it’s actively unhealthy for men in particular to NOT masturbate.
Regardless of the inherent health problems it would bring, you need to ask yourself if you’re willing to entertain this kind of controlling behavior for the rest of the relationship, because if you’re counting on it getting better when you get married, it will not. That mindset of hers has a tendency to spread into other areas until you’ll be afraid to do anything without her permission.
I’d like to bring your attention to you using the word “allowed”. Is she your mother? Why does she have that kind of power in the relationship? An ideal relationship has the two of you being in it as equals, and if she’s so insecure that she won’t allow you to masturbate because she can’t control your thoughts, that points to your privacy being invaded sooner or later. I can practically guarantee that she’ll be looking through your devices without consent at some point, if she hasn’t already.
Bottom line: You either need to have a conversation with her about the health risks and take it as an opportunity to set some boundaries, or leave the relationship. Much easier said than done, of course, as much as most people on Reddit recommend it. But in this case she’s setting the groundwork for an extremely abusive relationship moving forward, and I don’t see you doing much about it so far.
I married a woman EXACTLY like this, when I was 20ish. I didn’t run. I stayed, married, and was MISERABLE. I’m 40+ now, and the single biggest regret I have, is not Running, when I could have. This woman is not concerned about your sexual health, or happiness. That won’t change, with marriage. Leave now. Yes, it’ll hurt. You’ll (both) get over it. YOU will find someone who is sexually compatible with you, and will be interested in your sexual health and wellness.
Leave now and don’t turn back. Having walked that road, myself, I can tell you – There is nothing but misery in the path you’re on, my friend.
You’re 20, in the prime of your youth for the next 10 years, and are being manipulated by someone who is unreasonable and ignorant (and maybe highly religious). Heed my warning. Escape while there is still time. Message me in a few years and thank me. I’ll send my address so you can send an appreciation gift basket of your choosing.
Very controlling, and there is no guarantee that that you will have matching sex drives once married. At that point, you’re stuck. Waiting until marriage is a terrible gamble with awful odds.
Say you stop jerking, wait until marriage, and then she’s not very interested in sex. You get down once every couple months when she “rewards” you, and still forbids you from jerking it. Are you OK with that? Forever?
Probably not.
Run
My man… this is hard to hear, but she’s unrealistic and entirely replaceable. You are in some of the most memorable years of your life and she’s wanting you to reside in jail. Be free. Go live your life and have fun. A woman who is good for you and your growth does not incline you make throwaway accounts looking for advice on Reddit.
Paraphrasing Jenny in Forest Gump:
Run, throwaway1193939919! Run!
Tell your GF I just jerked off to her now. Then accuse her of having an affair.
We’ll see follow up posts in r/deadbedrooms if OP marries this person.