I first noticed this behavior from my wife about 6 months ago. We went on a club crawl with 2 other couples. We both hadn’t been out like this in awhile so I was little too clingy when it came to dancing with my wife because I was getting drunk and self-conscious. The next morning my wife complained to me privately that next time I should not cling to her too much and give her a little space to dance. I apologized and I agreed I needed to give her more space. As I was remembering the night, I realized that my wife didn’t interact with me much besides telling me to give her space or get drinks for her. I told her I felt like we weren’t there together as a couple. She also admitted she felt the same but couldn’t explain why she acted like that.
The next month we went out with a small group to a few clubs and I made sure to give her space when she was dancing. She appreciated the space but this time it happened again. When we’d be waiting in line or just standing around waiting for the next song to play, she would ignore me and not talk to me except for asking me to get drinks. I brought it up to her again the day after and she apologized and said shes just tipsy and in the zone so she doesn’t really pay attention to whats going on around her. She said she’d work on it and I left it at that.
Last month, we went to a concert to go see an artist she really liked. I went along as designated driver and my sister(19) also came along. Before the concert I told her, “I know my sisters coming and I don’t want to make her feel like the third wheel but please don’t make me feel like I’m there by myself”. She reassures me it will be fine. We get to our seats and just talk until the main act comes out and from there its almost as if I’m there by myself. My wife is tipsy again and enjoying herself but she doesn’t interact with me at all. Every now and then I ask her what song is playing or point out that the song they played was really good and she agrees and turns back to the stage and continues enjoying herself.
After being there for about an hour and a half, I start to feel kind of lonely. I start looking around and notice couples around us dancing together and looking like they’re enjoying the show together. Instead of pointing it out to my wife, I just kind of shut down and stop trying to speak to my wife. She looks back at me a few times once I’m feeling down but I just tell her I’m getting tired. The concert ends and I’m really bitter and upset. I handled it immaturely and just gave her the cold shoulder until we get home and have a huge argument about the night. We kind of come to a conclusion that she’s going to be more observant and make sure she isn’t ignoring me and I’ll make sure to communicate with her.
So that didn’t really happen. Just last week, we went to see a show with another couple. We had the same talk as before and we reassure each other that we’re going to communicate but my wife keeps saying shes scared I’m going to get mad like I did after the concert. I tell her if we follow the solution we both come up with, we’ll be fine. She agrees but she seems unsure about it. We get to the show and find a spot right in the middle which is pretty cramped but we enough room to dance and move around. We’ve all been drinking so we’re pretty buzzed. I had to go to the bathroom multiple times. The shows about 3/4ths of the way through and I come back from the bathroom with the other guy we went with and my wife is gone. She and my friends girlfriend are not in the spot we’ve been in the entire show. I text her multiple times and I see the little bubbles pop up on imessage but she doesn’t text me back. After a few mins, my friends girlfriend says they moved to the front and that we should come up. There are so many people; its impossible and rude to push my way to the front. So i spend the rest of the show by myself and my friend. My wife and I were big fans of this artist and I was hoping to enjoy the show with her. The rest of the night I just kind of shut down again and she keeps apologizing. Once she sees I’m upset, she starts crying. The next day we fight about it and come to the same agreement as before. Today she said I shouldn’t be so mean to her when we’re out and I just feel like she is disregarding how invisible she makes me feel.
TL;DR: Every time my wife(30F) and I(30M) go out to concerts, shows, or clubs, she ignores me and makes me feel like I’m there by myself. I get upset and end up giving her the cold shoulder every time it happens. We reiterate the solution we’ve both agreed to but she still seems uneasy about it and seems to want to blame it all on me. Any advice? Thanks
5 comments
I feel like in certain circumstances you’re expecting interactions where there really doesn’t need to be? At concerts your wife shouldn’t have to sit there explaining songs or interacting with you, she’s there to soak in that concert and enjoy it. It’s kind of the same thing with the show and the artist. She moved up to a better spot and you were too uncomfortable to join her. You realize that almost everyone gets to the front the same way right?
It’s kind of sad that you keep shutting down at these fun events. I do understand some interacting in the club, but I feel like you might be expecting a little too much. You’re there with friends too. Why are you not having any fun at all? You’re putting all the pressure on her. Let loose and enjoy yourself. Don’t cling to her so much.
Am I right in thinking all these events involve music and dancing? It sounds like you both want different things from a night out. If I’m going out where there’s music, I’m not there to talk, I’m there to dance and lose myself. How does your wife treat you in public when you’re not at a gig or a club?
Your wife is pretty rude for not at least trying to engage with you in these situations. But it sounds like she’s not going to change.
One solution is that you both go to these events with her friends and yours. The two groups split up and do their own thing. Another is that you have different types of date with your wife, like going to restaurants etc.
I don’t really feel like these events are events where you talk and cling around eachother(except dance), she certainly fairly rude for not at leat not trying to help you feel comfortable. Let loose and have fun with your own friends there. You mentioned issue at home in a comment, that’s very likely why you feel this way and project. Address these issues instead
You mentioned that she was tipsy a couple times. Was it just those times, or was she drinking those other times too? When I drink, I don’t get fun drunk, But I do get a little dozy, and me social reflexes become quite dull. I may take so long process the question correctly and formulate a response, that sometimes I don’t bother. And over the years, I’ve realized it also happens when I am overestimated by some sort of sensory overload, stressed or just really tired.
It’s not that uncommon, and it’s sometimes so subtle I don’t realize right away it happening. Could it possibly be something similar? Maybe she’s having a minor sensory overload and not processing things normally?
Sorry but this sounds exhausting. I understood the club thing to an extent but the concert with your sister…. she was just enjoying the show and instead of doing so too you’re brooding because she isn’t what- dancing all over you in front of your sister? I’m not surprised she was worried about the next show you went to together. You need to deal with your own insecurities and stop making it her problem.