EDIT: My friend who was at the party told me that he kissed someone and even though I know we are not exclusive or something I’m feeling hurt and currently crying with my heart aching. He sent me a message and he wants to talk.
So, I’ve being going out with a guy since August. We had casual dates and shared intimacy in various ways. He is sweet, caring and very gentle. I really like him.
When we first started talking, he was very catchy to the point of saying he wanted to date me even though we were talking for 3 weeks. When he said these things, I was very scared (it was my first time in a while since my last breakup 5 years ago – where the guy cheated on me) and confused, because he had recently (in April) got out of a 5 year relationship. So I told him that I was not sure of a serious relationship and that it was fine for me the way that we were involving ourselves. He said that it was OK for him and we stayed seeing each other until now.
About one month ago, I realized I was catching hard feelings for him aka falling in love. I just realized this because suddenly a feeling of “everything we were having gonna disappear out of nowhere and we are going to stop talking to each other” came.
I told him that and even cried a little. He understood me and told me that it was okay, that his feelings would not fade away, but that he didn’t had that urgency of date me like he used to have few months ago. I was ok with this fact of not getting into a serious relationship. I just needed the confirmation that he still liked me.
Well, weeks ago we started getting more serious, to the point of even telling our parents about each other and making plans together. I’m really happy, everything is great. But today he is at a party and there is a girl he told me that used to treat him differently since we were going out. I didn’t go to the party because I had to travel back to my parent’s place. I know I’m feeling jealous and that is a result of insecurities (it’s not the first time I felt this way, sometimes I search for his ex-girlfriend insta and compare myself to her), and at the same time I know we are both technically single and that if he wants to kiss someone, he would not be cheating on me. He is not answering my messages and I don’t care about it because I told him to have fun and I know he is busy with his friends. But I keep looking for him at every insta story of colleagues that are in the same party as him.
What can I do? Am I being toxic feeling this way?
PS: We went to a party together weeks ago. I didn’t kiss anyone (even rejected a guy, saying that I was into a serious relationship) and he told me that did the same when someone flirted with him.
PS 2: He told me that he loved me several times since we started getting more serious and I told him the same.
TLDR: My situationship is at a party and I’m feeling jealous, even though I know it’s a result of insecurities. He told me he loved me.
8 comments
tl;dr If you like it, put a ring on it.
Why would you be toxic? it’s okay to feel things. The most important thing is your actions. You need to understand that it’s healthy and okay to fee jealous. It only becomes unhealthy when it takes over other aspects of your relationship.
i think your jealousy comes from the fact that you have feelings for him but you don’t know where you stand because you don’t know if you’re exclusive or not or if you’re going to be.
This is completely normal. Just have a conversation with hoù and tell him if it’s okay for you to see other people or not. Tell him that you’re not comfortable being with anyone else but him but it doesn’t mean that you want to officially be girlfriend/boyfriend. It just means that you want to focus your attention on him now and see where this goes because this is the respectful thing to do for now since you’ve invested in him emotionally already.
Basically your main issue is using the term ‘situationship’
I don’t know, I hate to be that guy but it sounds like he’s only keeping you around for the benefits of being in a relationship without having to commit. He gets the sex, intimacy, etc. and he can still hide behind the fact that you’re not “technically” together so if he does do anything shady you can’t really be mad.
He says he loves you, but doesn’t have the urgency to date you? Sounds like a “why buy the milk when you can get the cow for free” type situation. Quite frankly it sounds like he sees you as a backup plan. I think you’re going to get yourself hurt dealing with this guy. Time for a serious discussion regarding exclusivity/boundaries.
Edit: of course he ends up hooking up with someone at the party. If I were you I’d cut your losses honestly. All he’s going to do is give you some fake apology. Guarantee he’ll hit you with the whole “we weren’t exclusive” thing like I said.
What you can do is talk to him and clarify what you want out of the situation.
If you want a defined relationship, say so. If he doesn’t want that, you’re free to move on and find one of the hundreds of people who will be thrilled to commit to you.
If he wants that too, WIN!
He’s figured out that he gets all the benefits of a committed you without giving you the same. Clarify for yourself what you want. Clarify it to him. See where you are.
He doesn’t have to be in a formal relationship to like you…but he’s also free to like anyone else who crosses his path and so are you.
1) Stop comparing yourself to his ex. It is his ex for a reason. Stop comparing yourself to anyone. You will be right for him at the right time… or it will be the wrong time and happen some other time… or you just may not be compatible. But, comparing yourself all of the time will keep you in constant fear and steal all of your joy. Focus on being the best you and the most YOU you can be… and you will draw the right person to you – whether it is this guy or someone else.
2) Occupy yourself with something creative or meaningful and get off social media this weekend. Play a game. Watch a movie. Do a jigsaw puzzle. Call a friend you haven’t spoken to for a long time. Start an art project. Research a topic online. Learn a song. Anything where you have an interest and where you can lose yourself for a while.
3) As soon as you get back in the same place with him, tell him that you missed him and ask him if he would be willing to be exclusive now. If yes, then HOORAY! Celebrate together and have a great time building your relationship. If no, then distance yourself a bit. Stop basing your happiness based on what happens with him… and don’t give him all of the perks of a boyfriend if he doesn’t want that. Be single. Think single. Act single. Don’t be tied up giving him everything when there might be another guy trying to catch your attention who might be perfect for you and want what you want (but you’re too busy focused on this guy). Being away from you may have also shown him he misses you, but it also may have given him more of a taste of freedom that he is enjoying. Hopefully, he will be honest with you either way… and you will be able to tell by his answer to know exactly what to do.
Don’t settle for a ‘situationship’ when you actually want a relationship. You’re just torturing yourself. You’ll be better off moving on if it isn’t what you want than staying and settling for less.
Yeah I’d be hurt too so I get it. I think it’s fair to set boundaries on what you want.