I’m at the end of my tether and looking for advice 😔 My husband is a good man, we’ve been together for 5 years and have a 3 year old. He always has the best intentions but he is objectively useless, he has forgotten to give his daughter lunch/dinner in the past, he can’t keep a consistent routine with her or the dog or the house. I feel like I run around fixing his mistakes but only the ones that affect our daughter, I believe he should learn from his own mistakes – except here’s the catch.. he doesn’t. He literally cannot learn from his consequences, he says he feels awful and is visibly affected but nothing changes… he can’t cope with life. He can’t pack a bag for nursery without forgetting nappies or a juice bottle, he has tried to learn about bills but missed the council tax so many times I had to step in before we ended up with an unaffordable bill and an affected credit rating. At one point I thought it would be a good idea to give him the whole responsibility of something that I wouldn’t need to get involved in… toilet train the dog… 18 months people! 18 months of piss and shit in the house before he could be consistent enough and through most of it he wanted to get rid of the dog because he cant cope.
He had a rough upbringing, was neglected and it shows and he’s been to therapy but he can’t work out what’s wrong the fix he says. Honestly there’s too much to write about but the reason I’m at wits end is, it’s our daughters birthday, we took her to the zoo. Because I was away for work I asked him to pack – get to the zoo and he hasn’t packed a changing bag, no nappies or snacks or juice bottles but all the clothes and a hairbrush etc…. I can’t rely on him, I resent him so much, he fully depends on me and it feels like I have another child…. What can I do? What am I missing?! I don’t want to leave or hate him but this isn’t a partnership
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Has he looked into getting diagnosed? If he has ADHD or something that could be addressed with meds, he could actually gain the focus needed to learn how to manage these things. Getting a diagnosis and meds won’t magically give him time management skills, or bestow him with the gift of motivation, but it will quiet the static and distractions in his head. Possibly.
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If he won’t, or has and it hasn’t helped, then this is all a choice that he’s making, and you have to accept that you can’t give him more motivation to change than leaving him. You’re better off with only the one kid and seeing him as needed, honestly.
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ETA: I was that person who always always always forgot something vital, was always late, always in a shambles because I just couldn’t get it together. Once I started Rx, my life became easier to manage. I still had to do the actual work of managing it, but now I’m able to actually align my actions with my goals, both on a daily level and in life.
Your husband has executive function disorder. Lists and alerts are going to be your new best friends. Something like Alarmed (a reminder/timer app) and laminated checklists on the diaper bag could change your life. Bring him to a therapist that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy for executive function disorder.
Good luck, OP! This is totally treatable!
He needs to get actually diagnosed and treated and make a PLAN to do so.
I dated almost an exact copy of this guy and my friend just broke up with his gf who was like this. It’s untenable and if something doesn’t change you WILL resent him and once resentment creeps into a relationship you can’t walk that back. It’s over.
It sounds like your husband has something like ADHD and **you** need to go to individual therapy in order to get a handle on your judgmental attitude to this this because your child could very well have it too and you’re going to mess that up big time.
He needs to go to a therapist and a psychiatrist to get help. He has some sort of mental issues that need to be worked out with a professional and likely meds. He needs to get diagnosed immediately.
INFO: why did you have a child with someone who is so needy and unable to function? Did you not foresee this being an issue?
Here for the comments. I’m in the same boat. No amount of alarms or reminders seen to help either…. Good luck girl. You arnt alone unfortunately
Sounds like adult ADHD. The accumulating marriage and family responsibities seem to have eclipsed his coping abilities.
I was kinda like him, would often forget things, not very good at organisation and I often lacked the discipline to do the things. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD (without hyperactivity). I started medication and it’s life changing. I finally feel like a normal human. I can organise travel for our family and I don’t even forget one thing. I would often say to my wife that I’m going to take charge of things to take the mental load off her and that she can relax. At first, she would look at me with a curious and suprised look, she let me take charged and I proved her she can trust me.
If you think it could be ADHD, with treatment, your husband could become a whole new men. A men that lead and take charge of things, someone you can trust.
i feel for u, my gf does the same kind of thing. i ask her to do something then 8 hours later i realize she forgot to do it. part of her issue is she has a condition where she has seizures and it affect her memory so i keep that in mind when dealing with her. but it can be frustrating because it feels like ur doing 100% of the work in the relationship. i’m not sure what the issue could be with ur husband, he could have a condition that affects his memory or he gets overwhelmed really easily. therapy would something he would probably need to attend regularly to figure out where the issues stems from.
Good idea having kids with someone who can’t do the simplest stuff.
A daily chart listing things he needs to do, have him set up tasks in the calendar of his phone.
He needs to get some testing done. Rule out disabilities and brain damage.
In the shirt term. He needs to start making lists ge call pull out and use as needed.
Things for the diaper bag
Grocery lists
Bills due
Daily tasks list.ect..
Has hd been evaluated for adult ADHD?
Take him to a psychiatrist and see if he has any psychological conditions, if he is diagnosed they can provide a regiment to help him.
Have you told him this? Not tut tut him after he messes up but tell him calmly that this must change.
Hey just a thought has your Husband been screened for ADHD?
I don’t want to necessarily disagree with you, but have you considered positive validation when he does things right?
The tone of this post reminded me of a former partner who criticized me incessantly for every minor mistake I mad, no matter if I went above and beyond to get everything right. It legitimately gave me anxiety to do anything because I knew if I messed up even the slightest thing, I’d invoke her being angry. And naturally, when you’re that stressed you will mess up on things you wouldn’t have had otherwise.
So not saying you are wrong, but consider if you are responding and creating an atmosphere where he feels he can safely grow and work on these issues without being attacked for not changing 100% overnight.
There’s nothing you can do and probably from what you’re describing, there’s nothing HE can do no matter how hard he tries because he seems to need a psychiatric evaluation. My spouse was almost the same and doctors would dismiss them until finally after years was diagnosed with ADHD. I’m not saying that your husband also has ADHD, could be another diagnosis, but: you both can’t solve this alone, you need to involve medical professionals to get a diagnosis for him and treatment. Do not despair, people can receive help to function in daily life, but first he needs to know what he’s dealing with. Good luck!
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This sounds like raging ADHD, or similar. There are a range of treatments and therapies, he needs a proper diagnosis. I would have him see a psychiatrist for an evaluation.
People are here diagnosing him with executive functioning disorder yet I feel like his also using Weaponized incompetence. Hear me out there is a simple sjx to all his issues which is to make a list. He knows he has this issue yet he doesn’t do anything to make it easier for him to not forget things. He knows you’ll pick up the slack.
People who are physically disabled and have children buy all sorts of gizmos and gadgets to allow them to partake in the upbringing of their children. Your husband has a mental disability but won’t even get a alarm clock or make a checklist or a whiteboard to make him useful to assist you in doing daily tasks. That sounds like Weaponized incompetence to me because he knows you’ll pick up the slack.
Have you ever tried living apart? Has he ever lived independently? I honestly think you shouldn’t be so quick to diagnose it as the sequelae of neglected upbringing. Separate from him make him live alone. I honestly think he should learn to live independently before you continue to live as a couple.
So your husband is the comical bumbling Dad from shows like Family Guy then? That one stereotype we as men want to see entirely erased.
Additional comment here, your husband needs to get evaluated ASAP for ADHD. Everything in your post is screaming adhd. Meds are not a cure, but they help tremendously along with coping skills.
That said, he needs to start learning coping skills to figure out what works for him. Setting alarms and reminders on his phone. Writing lists. Re-arranging different rooms so things are more visual / adhd friendly. Post it’s around the house. Look up “how to adhd” on YouTube. She has so many resources, and her videos are 3-5 minutes, sometimes shorter.
Also- hugs to you. This has been hard on you, want your to know that everything you are feeling is valid.
Ether he’s doing it on purpose to make you do it an don’t want kids or you need to get him medical help.
He sounds a lot like me with ADHD/executive functioning issues. The difference is I’ve done a lot of work to overcome it. Things like setting calendar reminders and alarms on my phone for everything even remotely important, making lists for routine tasks like cleaning, packing the diaper bag, meals to cook, etc. etc. If he can’t figure this out on his own then he needs help, but this has to be his responsibility to fix.
I’d also be interested to know is he like this in all areas of his life or just at home with you. What does he do at work? How did he manage in school? I ask because I’m sure he’s developed coping mechanisms over the years and I’m wondering why he doesn’t also employ them in his homelife. Might be something for him to explore.
I have adult ADHD. So I have empathy. However if he doesn’t choose to get treatment and TRY to fix it, you don’t have to stay because you feel bad.
This post makes me so sad
Dr Russell Barkley talks extensively about ADHD idk if this is what he got but it sounds like it.
Does he work? If so, how does he handle things at work? He has to have some parts of his life where he has worked out strategies for remembering things, he now needs to apply those same strategies to every other part of his life.
This may change how you communicate with him. Maybe everything needs to come through text, so that he can look back on conversations.
It’s not hopeless, but he also needs to be taking a greater initiative on fixing this. Even if it doesn’t work right away. Also start small. A lot of these tasks you are giving him, like the dong training, are long and involved. Have him always remember something daily. The move to a small daily task, like bringing in the mail. And keep working up to larger items. It seems like he doesn’t know where to start on large tasks so he just doesn’t start.
When it comes to the list thing maybe you should make a shared Google doc where you write the stuff he needs to do in there and he sets alarms throughout the day to check the list and complete tasks?
Challenge him coldly and directly. “You are intentionally failing at basic tasks to force me to take over. This ends now.”
I’d even set timers on his phone. Not to help him, but to shame him.
The time to feign helplessness was before he created a child. Now he has to grow the fuck up.
My dog gets fed at 6PM every night, no matter what I am doing. I stop, and I feed the dog. I then resume whatever the hell I was doing.
It’s not a task that can be procrastinated.
I totally feel you on this, my girlfriend is the exact same but i think i’ve hit the limit where i just want to be alone. it gets tiring to remind her to pay her bills on time, etc… im in school right now and sometimes i ask her to just bring me my work clothes before going to work and somehow she forget my shirt or pants and i dont want to get mad at her because i know its not her fault but it sucks that i have to remind her every 10 minutes or she’ll just forget. she says she has ADHD, but shes never been diagnosed. I always let her know that this relationship doesn’t feel like a partnership anymore, it feels like she’s dependent on me and like she’s my child. maybe i need to be beter. idk.
Why did you marry and have kids with such a loser? He sounds lazy, selfish and and like an expert at weaponized incompetence.
Psychological assessment would be a good place to start. He may have ADHD or another neurodevelopment disorder. CBT focused on building executive functioning skills.
You expect someone to just magically be able to train a dog? What if the dog is untrainable or needs a professional?
This sounds like me and my ADHD having a field day. Therapy helps, and vitamins, and medication, and sleep, and support, and all other hilly dippy tippy… what I am saying is He/ you ( as in him+you: if you are willing and he accepts your help) needs to be intentional in getting help, and asking for it, good luck 🤗
>My husband is a good man
But not responsible enough to be a good husband or father.
I would’ve called him lazy until I started to notice a pattern in his behavior.
He needs professional help. Try to reduce the number of tasks given to him for the time being and see if there are any improvements.
I know a couple like this, and they’ve been each other’s one and only for more than 35 years now. They are two of the kindest, most generous, benevolent, caring & wonderful people I have ever met and have the privilege to know.
But, hubby is pretty darned useless. He can’t even make a sandwich. I remember when he ran up their debt over 20K on credit cards because he enjoyed nice things and good food, but their budget couldn’t handle it. Luckily her parents were able to help them out and get them through it.
They have raised two incredible children who are on different non-binary spectrums, with love, compassion, understanding and kindness, and they have developed into incredible humans. The younger one still isn’t quite cooked yet, but we always knew his maturity would be a long time coming, and admittedly, he takes after his dad, a LOT.
Wife just ‘gets’ exactly who her husband is, just as she and the two of them ‘get’ who their kids are, and accepts them for all their faults and just gets on with it, finding ways to cope and manage. Hubby knows his own faults and detriments, and accepts it’s who he is and does the best he can, and luckily, his kind and creative personality make up for it. Wife knew from the beginning that she’s the one who will always be in charge and it’s a role she fortunately thrives on. Some people can’t handle that role, but some people can.
They really are life partners and it works for them. There’s rarely arguments and never any blowouts. They have the resources now to have an excellent housekeeper, they travel together all the time now that they’re retired and life has gifted them with an incredible circle of friends and family who also ‘get’ exactly who they are and how their dynamic works, and it’s an example to everyone how they strive to make it all work.
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If the husband is indeed a good, kind man and a great partner otherwise in so many other ways that matter, maybe you can accept him for who he is and find ways to cope.
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Some people are worth sticking it out for. I hope he is….
That sounds tough! My wife has had an emotionally troubled start to life and hasn’t been shown/taught how to do a certain number of important things, and I find myself frustrated at times.
I find it helpful to remind myself that not everyone’s starting point is the same, and some people might never be able to achieve what we more capable people can.
The big thing I can see, from what you’ve mentioned, is that it seems like he’s trying. And that is HUGE. Personally and professionally, I would much rather help someone who is trying, than someone who might be more capable but can’t be bothered.
I personally think talking to him about it would help, from a point of view of being the best you both can be for the sake of the child.
Remember, even if you separate he may choose to go for (and be awarded) shared custody of some description, so regardless of the future of your relationship with him it’s going to be the best thing for the child if you help as much as you can, and encourage him to keep trying.
As others have said, you probably need to get him into some kind of therapy.
However, you can make your life a bit easier by giving him written checklists. Make a checklist for a nursery bag – so that he has something to guide him, and he can easily verify that he has everything he needs.
As for recurring things like paying bills, make a recurring calendar entry in his e-mail system or on his phone.
As I’ve gotten older, I’m constantly adding “TO DO” entries to my calendar so that I don’t forget to do them. It will come to me on Friday evening that there’s something I need to do on Monday – boom, I make a calendar entry, otherwise I’ll have forgotten it by Monday.
If you know he has these deficits, you need to find a way to help him bridge the gaps, otherwise your relationship is doomed. The little things that bother you now will continue to grow until you simply don’t want to deal with them anymore at some point in the future.
have you tried using a rolled up newspaper when he does a mess and remember to rub his nose in it soon after orherwise he will not accept the messas his own and will continue to leave messes
Out of curiosity, did he have alcohol exposure in the womb?
Are you as ugly on the outside too?