I saw a post some time ago in which people were discussing that their husbands never scream at them, and this seemed to be the norm—that husbands don’t scream at their wives. That’s when I started thinking my husband has exceptional anger issues even though he is a good, loving, and loyal guy. He just gets triggered really easily nowadays—since after we had a child in 2020–and gets explosive. He is so hard to deal with in conflict now and gets really mean and says drastic things. On top of that, we have sex issues because he is often avoidant when it comes to sex, which makes me feel confused and hurt. I just feel like there’s a lot going on with him psychologically. One day things are great, the next day there’s a blow up over something that could have been dealt with calmly. The day before yesterday, he blew up on me over the phone because I was bummed he didn’t want me to get a drink at McDonald’s on my way home from the doctor. I took some time to decompress and told him I can’t do the explosiveness anymore. He took that as me saying I want to separate, which I wasn’t. I was saying he needs to take action to deal with his anger issues, and he acts like he doesn’t know what that means. He feels like there is nothing he can do about it, that he’s just intrinsically messed up and feels up against a wall about this. I said I want him to go to therapy but he never realizes he REALLY should do that. He just ends up deflecting and brushing stuff under the rug. He also does not feel comfortable about doing marriage counseling. Honestly, I am doing work on my own issues, and he needs to do work on his. Talking to professionals, whether psychiatrists or counselors, seems like the only way to improve in his case and the case of our relationship. But I can’t make him do the work if he doesn’t want to.
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Do you want to be in a relationship with an emotionally immature partner?
If yes, stay and suck it up.
If no, it’s time to make a change. Something’s gotta give. Either he can work on himself or he can sit at home alone without you or your child to yell at, while you go live your best life.
Counseling can be life changing for those open to the process, but if they arent it quickly turns into another reason to resent them.
If you are 100% committed to him then set your own boundaries. When he screams, remove yourself from the conversation. Calmly tell him you can revisit the topic when he can approach you in a better way. One of the most eye opening things I learned in counseling is that people only treat us the way we allow them to. Set those boundaries, and then stick to them. He gets loud you disengage. If he yells over the phone, calmly remind him of your boundary and say you can discuss it later when he’s calm, then hang up.
It sounds like you are very much in love with your husband and it’s just his communication style that needs help. Chances are he grew up in an environment where this style of communication is common. He doesn’t even understand why you take offence. That’s ok, he doesn’t have to understand he needs to respect it though. Set those boundaries and either he will come around to communicating at a level you are comfortable with or he wont and that alone is it’s own answer.
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Best of luck!
Hey, I’m sorry to hear your going through this. Your husband definitely does have angry issues and is clearly in denial. I understand that.. as I had anger issues as well.
The first thing he has to do is choose to make the change. Recognize that his behavior is wrong and hurtful and want to change that for the better.
The second is to seek out counseling and treatment. It turned out I had ADHD and had learned anger responses from my parents. I got medication as an adult, and starting learning how people are supposed to process and respond when they are angry.
Third is accountability and teamwork. Marriage counseling has helped us greatly and my wife holds me 100% accountable for making sure I am treating her correctly and managing my anger. It’s my responsibility to do so and I take it seriously.
Over all I’m very lucky my wife was kind and patient enough to allow me to work on my temper. It was looking a lot of hard truths in the face and is continuous work – and has honestly changed my life. She is very happy with that change 🙂 it can be done
He doesn’t want to.
It’s not even therapy that’s needed – other than the CTFD treatment. First word stands for Calm, last word stands for Down, and the rest should be obvious from there.
This is basic being an adult. You don’t get to flip your shit when you don’t get what you want.
Medicalizing it adds unnecessary complexity.
>*But I can’t make him do the work if he doesn’t want to.*
Precisely. You can’t make him change, only he can and he has to want to. It doesn’t sound like he understands that these blowups shouldn’t be happening. Or even that they are happening. Maybe he needs to get a read back of the harmful things he yelled at a time when he’s cooled off, with a serious point that these behaviors are unacceptable.
BTW, him taking what you said and catapulting it to you wanting to separate was a weak attempt to make it your fault.
No kids, right?
Explain to me again how he is loving, kind and loyal?
Just interested….do you shout back? I’d it a full blown argument or do you just shut down?
Tell him anger is not a personality. He does not have to be like this forever and he is only “stuck” if he allows himself to be. He needs to accept that he needs help and that this is destroying your marriage. Tell him his behavior is abusive and unacceptable. Ask him to get therapy. You did not say he refused individual therapy. Tell him you need him to do this, or you are concerned where your marriage will end up. Hopefully that will be enough to get him to go and address his issues.
It doesn’t matter what is normal. In a lot of ways toxic marriages are normal, doesn’t mean it’s OK to be in a toxic marriage.
The only thing that matters is your husband is violating boundaries when he speaks to you in a demeaning, angry, and abusive tone.
And I hate to say it, he’s 100% aware he does it and does it on purpose. He wants to make you feel like a horrible person. It’s not news to him he treats you abnormally.
Therapy doesn’t help abusers. They remain that way.
>He blew up on me over the phone because I was bummed he didn’t want me to get a drink at McDonald’s on my way home from the doctor
You are a grown ass adult. He doesn’t get to tell you what to do.