Hi! My wife (30F) and I (30M) have been married for five years now. Initially while dating, our sex life was what I’d consider normal for a LDR. Sex whenever we’d see each other every week or two, etc. Over time the frequency dropped, I think mostly on my end because I was on finastride (hair loss medication) which is notorious for decreasing libido, etc. This in combination with a porn addiction I think frustrated my wife for a while because she was the one with higher libido but I wasn’t there for.
Over the summer we were trying to start a family so there were a few weeks of constant sex, which was great, but unfortunately it resulted in a miscarriage which we worked though, but there hasn’t been much intimacy since (\~ 6 weeks or so).pretty much 7 AM to 7 PM on weekdays and some random hours doing her notes and charting outside of that. Thus, she’s often tired and/or working. We have weekends off but there’s just so much to do including errands, hanging out, socializing with others (both together and separately) and down time. I know she’s doing her best but I just don’t feel the intimacy all that much.
Over the summer we were trying to start a family so there were a few weeks of constant sex, which was great, but unfortunately it resulted in a miscarriage which we worked though, but there hasn’t been much intimacy since (\~ 6 weeks or so). This specific time interval is obviously different from the ones in the path so I want her to take her time to heal and feel better, but my feelings are more general and not specific to the past 6 weeks.
One recurring theme throughout our relationship was my inability to finish when having sex. 90% of the time I wouldn’t finish and we’d move on, only for me to then masturbate myself the day after, etc. We never really went into detail as to why and we both just assumed it was just the way I was wired. But come to think of it, it’s kinda of odd that she’s never really taken much interest in helping me finish (via handjob, etc). I can’t tell if she’s just naive with how to do that or if she’s just not super interested.
Overall, we obviously love each other and are trying our best but could use a bump in intimacy and perhaps even vulnerable conversations, but I just don’t really know how to go about that. Any time I play it through my mind, I feel like it sounds like I’m asking someone to do something for me rather than us doing something together. Curious if folks have any advice on how to best navigate this.
TL;DR! Been married for five years but haven’t figured out a good cadence for sex and how to navigate talking about it. What are some ways to get started?
4 comments
Be open about it. Don’t be afraid to make the first move. The longer you wait, the more difficult it is. If possible, do a getaway with just the two of you.
I don’t really like commenting on someone else’s sex life. But here’s my two cents:
You don’t finish 90% of the time? Was it always that way even before you met her?
You’ve both been through a traumatic experience as a couple with the miscarriage. That is going to impact not only your sexual life, but all aspects of your life (and her emotional and mental state…) Have you worked through that as a couple? Sought couples therapy about this?
As an outside observer, I’d ask what were your views on children before the miscarriage? Do you think you wife might be having some real struggles with that huge loss, both emotionally and physically? Have you been cognizant and attending to that loss both as a husband to her, but also as a grieving, potential father to yourself?
You seem to be focused on the physical act of sex, and not what it means. The fact that you used the word “cadence” is… enlightening about your perspective.
There’s some great documentaries on sex and pleasure out there. The Principles of Pleasure on Netflix is really good.
Also, the YouTube channel Mended Light has some great frank discussions about how porn addiction and mismatched libidos can impact a marriage.
I suggest that you start by watching some of these together. And go Google “death grip syndrome “
Are you recovered from your porn addiction? Is she?