I let him fall asleep around midnight. I knew I’d be up late because I’ve had terrible insomnia recently.
He woke up at 7:30 and I was ~trying~ to wake up at 9. Obviously it’s not his fault for getting out of bed and making noise. But I specifically said “hey can you go out there and shut the door so I can sleep”
he obliged but later came back several times.
he proceeded to come into my room several times and repeatedly wake me up. he was listening to videos real loud right outside, then he wanted to tell me that the cat was crying, then he wanted to rip the shirt I was wearing off so he could take it home, then he wanted to cuddle before he left
he knows i’m struggling with insomnia and every moment of sleep is precious for me.
so when he sits down on my bed to put his socks and shoes on, shaking the bed and waking me up once again, I yelled at him. I don’t remember what but it was probably something rude like “can you stop fucking waking me up”
he immediately looked very upset. he said he just wanted to hang out with me before he left for work. I apologized, explained that the combination of my insomnia and his snoring kept me up until 4-5 am. he then got up and left without saying a word.
he texted me “I fed the cat.” and has been ignoring me since.
I think I really fucked up here. I’m worried he’s going to break up with me. was there something I should have done differently? how can I make this up to him?
50 comments
> I let him fall asleep around midnight.
What do you mean you “let him”?
You sound like a nightmare and you’ll probably lose him soon. I don’t say that meaning to disrespect, just from an objective perspective.
Does he know how bad your insomnia is? Had you explained to him the night before that you would like to be left alone after he wakes up?
Out of courtesy if I spend the night with my boyfriend and I have to get up before him, I put my work clothes in a different room so I don’t have to go in and out and open drawers while he is trying to sleep. I go back in to give him a kiss goodbye, otherwise I keep the door shut.
Sleep is super important, and if he keeps you up by snoring, maybe it’s best that you don’t co-sleep right now. Or at least communicate you would like him to shut the door and stay out after he wakes up.
Talk to him in person and explain how bad your insomnia is and I’m sure you can figure something out. But definitely apologize for snapping.
You “let him” fall asleep around midnight? That was certainly nice of you. I wish my wife would let me fall asleep at a specific time I desire. Unfortunately, she’s a silly goose.
After that, I honestly think it’s reasonable that you snapped. He was being completely obnoxious. You even asked him to leave the room, shut the door, and allow you to sleep.
He subsequently did just about everything possible to destroy your sleep. He’s entirely in the wrong here. If he breaks up with you over this, there’s deeper problems in your relationship. In the interest of keeping the peace, you can certainly swallow your pride and say something like “I’m sorry I snapped, but I really wanted to sleep and you made it really difficult.” Good luck.
Meh. I’d yell to and would also expect to get yelled at. Fellow insomniac. Don’t worry about it he is a little upset and is also probably giving you space because of it. Just let it be, apologize later, explain that he was very inconsiderate waking you up so many times even if it was sweet that he wanted to spend time with you before leaving. It will either blow over or not. Chances are it will. Don’t overthink it. This isn’t a relationship ending thing unless there has been way more incidents.
Boyfriend was being rude. You were in a vulnerable place (not fully awake / funcational) and he continued to be rude. You do not have anything to make up to your boyfriend. It sounds like breaking up with him would not be a bad thing.
If he gets over his being angry, realizes he was being rude, and apologizes to you. *Then* he can get a sleep study done to discover why he snores and potentially fix it. He can fix his behaviors and only listen to videos on earbuds / headphones when he k ows you are sleeping. He can know what to do when the cat cries instead of waking you up to ask. He can also get checked for being on the spectrum to see if he is unable to see your emotions and social queues. (That is serious, some people that are judged as narcissistic are just autistic. They do care, they just do not process the same way.)
YOU did nothing wrong at all. Your boyfriend knows you have insomnia and yet continuously woke you up bc HE wanted to hang out.
That’s very selfish of him and shows he doesn’t really care if you’re sleeping or not bc if he wants attention you apparently have to give it.
This is definitely something that needs to be discussed and he owes you an apology. Not the other way around and asking someone to quit waking you up when you had already told them you needed the sleep shows he also doesn’t respect you.
I would say you should be ignoring him
Obviously snapping ans swearing at him isn’t a great response. But he knows you struggle with sleep and you explicitly asked him to let you sleep. And then he not only woke you several times by being inconsiderate and noisy, but woke you up intentionally at least three times. He was being rude and selfish.
Hes inconsiderate. He should learn how to be quit. I’d snap too. He deserved it.
Your partner needs to have more respect for you. You can apologize for snapping, but let him know he was being rude waking you up and he needs to let you sleep in the future. If this continues, though, I would consider breaking up for him putting his needs over yours. Sleep is essential.
Sorry he wanted to rip off your shirt that you were wearing and take it with him? I know that’s not the point but this is tripping me up. Was it a family heirloom or his mode of transportation? Why???
You did not fuck up. You pointed out his selfish and rude behavior and he didn’t like that. Now his wittle ego is bruised. So, when he gets home, you need to sit him down and tell him that you are sorry you snapped, but your insomnia has been insane lately and that you are trying to move through that and you would appreciate him being considerate of your sleep, please.
Just some thoughts: if this turns out to be a long-term issue, there’s nothing wrong with having separate rooms for sleeping. In any case, sitting down and jointly discussing and setting boundaries is a good thing.
Id be pissed too if I constantly kept getting woken up.
Sleep in separate rooms
Any idiot can tell when they are being inconsiderate. Everything he did was to wake you up so that you could spend time with him. He was being ridiculously selfish and he knows it. He’s giving you the silent treatment to manipulate you into feeling bad that you snapped when you couldn’t take anymore. Do not feel bad for what you did. Do not try to apologize any more. If he breaks up with you over this then the relationship didn’t really mean that much to him from the jump. Don’t fall for his pity party.
If he is normally a kind and caring guy, I would sit down with him and explain that you are sorry that you did snap, and while you apprechiate that he wants to spend time with you before work, your sleep and insomnia is really bad, and when he keeps waking you up he is essentially depriving you of sleep making you run on empty. Him waking you up is actively harming you and you need him to stop if he is to sleep over.
Im an early riser and my partner is not. I know that sleep is hard for him due to a medical condition, so things I do to be kind and caring to him is for instance sneaking out as quietly as I can, have my clothes ready to go in the other room, listen to music/podcasts/whatever with headphones on and in general try to make as little noise as possible. I would love to snuggle up to him in the mornings, but that isnt what he actually needs when his sleep is bad, and his need for sleep is more important in that moment. I know I will get cuddles later when he is rested.
You did not fuck up here, sleep deprivation is a really serious thing and has a major impact on your wellbeing. It’s great he wants to hang out, but you know what’s even better? Him knowing how important sleep is and making your rest a priority. It’s common courtesy to keep quiet and let someone sleep. A big sign of lack of respect and consideration for you if he doesn’t try to make sure you are able to sleep and rest.
I don’t think you fucked up. He was acting inconsiderate so it is normal you are angry. But looks like your attitude hurt him so you should talk and apologize to each other. You feel guilty I understand that but he definitely need to apologize too.
He doesn’t respect your sleep regardless of you having insomnia or not it isn’t right
Rip your shirt off?
See, my secret is always being sleep deprived. That way you can’t be truly tired because it’s your baseline!
I don’t think you fucked up i think he did. Sounds like he doesn’t respect you or at least your need for sleep especially when he knows you struggle with it. And for him to act offended when you snapped after asking nicely is just him being manipulative because you didn’t just cave and get out of bed when he wanted you too. He’s just being selfish and anyone with consideration for other would know they’re making entirely to much noise. If he wanted to hang out before he went to work he should’ve done the mature thing and asked if you could hang out for a little before he left rather than purposely try to wake you up.
I deal with insomnia and I recently got married to my bf. Now, we live with his parents (Indian norms) for context. My MIL hates that I don’t get up early to start with the chores, but my husband is well aware of my issues, which is worse like I can’t sleep unless it’s pitch dark and no noise.
He daily let me sleep a little extra even if that means the MIL would not be happy with him either. Now, this is not something extraordinary he does, but it makes a hell lot of difference to my day.
Don’t expect any less from your partner.
He was trying to wake you up for company…he is a dick.
OP it’s not your fault. He’s being inconsiderate and selfish. You can’t sleep at night, but he purposely wakes you up with everything he does because he wants to hang out before work? What? Couldn’t you two hang out after work? That’s extremely selfish and you had every right to be upset, and even to be rude, tbh. You should consider if you want to continue relationship with a guy like that, not to be worried if you are gonna break up.
Please stand your ground and don’t let him dictate your sleeping hours, when you have already problems with sleep. I know what a lack of sleep can do to a man, it will drive you crazy and incapable of anything.
He’s an inconsiderate and insensitive. He obviously doesn’t give a damn whether you want or need sleep or not.
My ex used to do this. He got up earlier than I did for work, and would always talk about how getting to bed early was oh so important and no one could make any noise because his sleep was vital.
We (his kids and I) would take all steps to be quiet, and I would try to be as light as air getting in the bed with him if I went to bed after him.
He would get up in the morning, turn the light on, stomp around the bedroom, rattle hangers in the closet, slam things around in the kitchen. Finally one morning, I snapped and asked, “Why is your sleep so much more important than ours, you selfish asshole? Sound fucking travels.”
He was mad, but then thought about it, and realized I was right. It changed for about a week, and then went right back to before.
I hope yours understands. It’s sweet that he wants to spend time with you, but what kind of time is it if you’re cranky and exhausted?
His wants aren’t more important than your needs.
I have really bad insomnia too and struggle a lot with sleep. But I’m lucky enough to have a partner who understands that and doesnt go out of his way to wake me up. When he would have to leave for work at 5am he would get dressed in another room and not make any noise because usually I’m asleep around 3am.
You need to find someone who respects your needs. He wouldn’t like it if you woke him up at 3 am to tell him you’re still awake so why does he think it’s okay to do the same to you.
It sounds like there were possibly a few mistakes made but mostly his. You two need to have a serious discussion about respecting each other.
Partners need to respect the needs of one another especially where one persons needs are different or unique. Frankly it doesn’t matter the reason.
You can feel apologetic for what you said but he should feel apologetic for what he did. The larger share of who was in the wrong (based on what you wrote – we don’t have his side of the story) is he probably 95% you 5%.
Some people will say one wrong doesn’t justify another…but if you poke a bear enough you’re going to get a paw upside the face…
Talk it out. Also don’t fear the end of a relationship. Conflict happens. The strength of a relationship has to do with how you handle conflict, not if you have it.
honestly he seems like he did that on purpose. since he’s ignoring you, pretend like you don’t even notice. just go on about your day, and stay in high spirits. don’t beg him to talk to you. he’s a grown man who should know how to communicate. don’t let him guilt trip you either bc that’s what he’s trying to do. every human needs sleep, and most ppl get a little mean when someone repeatedly keeps them up. my suggestion is don’t let him ruin the rest of your day. ignore the silent treatment and once he realizes that being a petty grown man doesn’t work on you, he’ll either let it go or you guys can have a conversation about sleep boundaries and quiet time.
edit: and to be clear, you are not in the wrong. seriously how can he expect you to be nice knowing you have insomnia and waking you up repeatedly?? you already explained this to him so i don’t get why he doesn’t understand. it just seems so inconsiderate. idk maybe i’m passionate about this bc i have insomnia too.
I would apologize for the reaction but emphasize that you are going through something and really need him to respect your sleep. I have Insomnia and girl I feel yah, it can be so hard not to snap when your body is lacking sleep. NTA but still have a talk so he understands how HARD it is to function with little to mo sleep
*he said he just wanted to hang out with me before he left for work.*
And you had already made it clear you didn’t and wanted to sleep. And he agreed to that. You didn’t fuck up here, you were defending boundaries you had set and he was continually stomping on.
So – the question here is are his feelings really that hurt? Or is he giving you the silent treatment so you’ll capitulate and let him do whatever he wants to you?
This is a normal little spat in every day life…. person A snaps at Person B because of 1 of a million reasons to snap at another person….person B will either snap back or pout for a while. Either way, one person should apologize for snapping and the other person should also apologize OR should simply accept the apology…. then you both talk about it, forgive each other for being imperfect humans, and carry on.
If you feel bad for being snappy, say you’re sorry.
It’ll be fine most people don’t break up with their bf/gf because of this.🙂
I fed the cat.
I feel like he was trying to get laid before he left, so he was gradually trying to wake you up and get you naked. And then it triggered his fragile ego because you yelled at him for being an asshole. Please do not cave to this nonsense. You are totally allowed to get sleep. And anyone who knows that it’s an obstacle for you are ready and then it’s going to be that inconsiderate as being a jerk and he knows it.
If this is all it takes for him to break up with you, then your relationship isn’t very strong to begin with. But at the same time, he has zero respect for you and clearly doesn’t care much about your well being. If he was only moving around and that’s what woke you, fine, but the fact that he purposefully woke you for ridiculous reasons means he did it on purpose. I mean come on, why on earth would he need to sit on the bed to put his shoes on? That could have been done outside the room. Doesn’t sound like it would be a big loss frankly….
He is a child in an adult body. I’m sorry but I’d stand my ground and not contact him. He can reach out when he’s done being childish and we’d discuss how he needs to respect your boundaries. It was clear you were really tired.
Dude sounds like an inconsiderate child. A CHILD. Because that’s who wakes up mommy over and over: a child. Grown ass adults know that sleep is precious and we don’t all get up at the same time.
If he wants to sulk over it, fine, let him. If he’s so childish as to actually break up with you? Well … good riddance. Find someone who is a full on grown up for your next bf.
You want to keep someone that would break up with you, for being upset that they were being an ass? I hope this was just a one-time morning fuckup on his part, but either way the relationship (or your perspective of it) seems a bit too fragile.
Of course you could have done thing differently, but your reaction seems within the scope of understandable and not anywhere near relationship-ending. You *could* apologize for your part, but I for one would just dig my heels in.
Man that’s the kind of shit a 5-year-old would do when they’re not getting enough attention. Does he really think this passive-aggressive shit is believably subtle? He’s not nearly as slick as he thinks he is.
I don’t know the context of what else is going on in your relationship but this sounds way too inconsiderate to be an accident. He was out to ruin your morning.
He admitted he was doing these things to wake you up and hang out. He doesn’t care that you’re struggling with sleep if it gets in the way of what he wants. Then he gets to be the victim because you yelled.
Yeah fuck him 😆
I don’t have insomnia myself but I don’t play around when it comes to my sleep. I have very long days and two small children so I’m like you: every minute of sleep is precious. Having someone repeatedly wake me up makes me irate. I can forgive the kids but a grown ass man? No. He knows you’ve got issues sleeping, he knows he was being rude as hell. Next time he stays with you wake him up repeatedly. It’s not hard to hang out in the living room so someone can sleep. He is went out of his way to be rude
Death is the punishment for this kind of behavior around me. My bf knows better than to do this shit. I have to work too, and don’t need to be woken up before my alarm for crap like this. My clothes are all kept in a separate bedroom solely for the reason of not waking my bf up when I’m getting ready. My alarm goes off and i leave the room until I go to say bye. I expect the same respect.
you should not have apologized, he was being rude. He is also slightly abusive as can be seen by him ignoring you now and by you being worried he is going to break up with you. You are in the right here, don’t let him make you believe otherwise. grow a spine and demand he apologize to you and get him to respect your very reasonable requests. What you should have done differently is have been firm with him the second time he woke you up. You have absolutely NOTHING to make up to him for this.
He knew he was being a dick and tried to get out of it by pretending he was spending time with you. WTF? Now he’s giving you the silent treatment to make you think you are responsible for his shitty behaviour. Do not make up with him, you deserve better.
I’ve been there. I’ve done the same thing to my wife before. She has problems getting to sleep too and I’m an early to bed and early to ride kind of person. My wife has snapped at me too before and felt crappy about it afterwards. We ended up just talking about it and setting boundaries so we could help each other out. I explained that I just wanted to spend as much time as I could with her before and after work cuz work is a crappy place to be sometimes. She explained to me that if she didn’t get the rest she needed then she’d be in more of a bad mood then wanting to care for me too. Let your man know how you’re feeling and what exactly was setting you off. Ask him to use headphones. Maybe set his stuff out the night before so that when he gets up he can just walk out with his stuff and get ready in another room. Stuff like that. If he’s a good guy he will understand. Good luck.
No, you did not fuck up. You need to sleep and he has to be respectful of that. He is not a toddler you need to entertain and feed.
You shouldn’t make this up to him. He has to apologize. Otherwise, you are telling him is fine to do whatever he wants
If he breaks up with you over this than it aint worth it.
He didnt respect your needs and you need to make it up to him?
Nope. He should apologize to you.
And the fact that you think you are so wrong for getting upset about it is worrisome.