Bf said he loved his ex but wasn’t in love with her.

I always thought it was being in love and then comes loving someone. Isn’t choosing to love someone better than being in love?

27 comments

  1. Maybe he is thinking the love you have for your family and close friends as “loved” and the kinda on your mind first thing in the morning all day as “being in love”
    I can understand both your perspectives but probably didn’t help any 🤷‍♂️

  2. For me it has no difference. Probably he refers to how deep it is. Like if you love someone so it means in “surface level”. But if you are in love with someone so you are in “core level”

  3. People can interpret these things differently so if you’re curious just ask him what the difference is for him.

    I think at one point it was a common thing (and maybe still is) for people to explain their breakups as “I loved them but wasn’t in love with them anymore” as a way of saying it lacks something so that could be where he’s coming from.

    Similar to you, I personally place more value in loving someone over being in love with someone, but yeah, people have different takes on these words.

  5. For me bring in love is : I want to spend time with you, plan future activities with you, I feel happy when I see you laugh or smile, want to jump your bones frequently.

    For me loving someone is: I care deeply about you and your wellbeing but don’t necessarily want to live with you or spend extended periods of time with you.

  6. Loving someone is a choice, being in love isn’t.

    Being in love is that all consuming, feel good hormones (dopamine), basically that fast burning kind of love. Aka limerence or honeymoon stage of the relationship.

    Loving someone is that slow burn, want to experience the highs and lows and just fully embrace the warts and all. Someone who you can be fully vulnerable with and them with you.

  7. Common cheater phrase when leaving their spouse is, “I love you but not in love with you”. I believe it is like his statement, that it echos this as well, where he is emotionally attached by the history of the past relationship, but has no physical desire to his ex. He is repulsed by her. For the most part he is not holding a torch for her and ready for a new relationship.

    Another way to look at it imagine having cancer in your arm. It is gross to see it. It is spreading and will kill you unless the arm is cut off. You try to save the arm but to no avail. With no other option you have it cut off to save yourself. But your mind still has ghost feelings, like an itch you cannot scratch , coming from it even though it is gone. Likewise the sight of the cancer ridden arm that was cut is repulsive in your sight. It is no longer a part of you and you have no regrets giving it up to save your life. And you bury it deep.

  8. I love my ex, to an incredible level. I am grateful this person is in my life, I am good friends with him, I love talking to him, I cherish the time we were together.

    I am not in love with him. I don’t want to be his partner. I am over the relationship and am really excited about the new person I’m dating, who I like a lot and think is wonderful.

    I love my ex as a friend, and the fact we used to be partners doesn’t cloud my judgment if we hang out or anything like that, I still think he’s attractive but in the same way you can know your family member is attractive and not want to do anything with them because ew.

  9. There are many different kinds of love, and I think your boyfriend is trying to delineate between them. To say that you are “in love” is most commonly a way to describe romantic love. You wouldn’t say that you were “in love with” your family member or a friend or a public figure you respect and look up to.

    Usually in a long-term relationship, being “in love” comes first, and then as your bond continues to grow your love for them will grow to encompass romantic love *and* platonic love *and* familial love, because their role in your life has become a romantic partner, a trusted friend, and a member of your family.

    Sometimes, for a whole host of reasons, the romantic and/or the familial love fades away and just leaves the platonic love behind. You love this person, they represent a large part of your life and you care deeply about them and want only good things for them, but you no longer want to kiss them, sleep with them, come home every day to them, or plan your life around them. That’s generally what people mean when they say “I love them but I’m not in love with them.”

    I hope that explanation helps? I don’t entirely understand your question “Isn’t choosing to love someone better than being in love?” Good on you if you’re able to choose how you feel about people, but in my experience I’ve only been able to choose my actions, not my feelings.

  10. My definition of “love” is more platonic, as in I love my family, I love my dog etc.

    Being “in love” is more romantic, as in I want to jump their bones, I want to have a future together with them, I want to grow old together, I want to be with them.

  11. I have love for many of my exes. They are wonderful people and I care about them. I wish them well, and I hope their lives are full of joy and happiness. I feel the same for my very close friends.

    I have an unquantifiable amount of love to share, for family, friends, and people I’ve been very close with.

    The love I feel for my current partner is the same- but it is tied to a deep desire and my wish to share a life with them.

    You can feel a deep love for someone without wanting to share a home, build a family, or be intimate.

    I want to live with my partner, build life together, get in bed together, because I love them. I learned that the last few partners were not the right fit for that, Doesn’t mean I stop caring about them- it just means I don’t make them a priority – like I would make someone I was sharing a life with.

  12. For me love is just a term of endearment. Being in love with someone to me means that you’d make major sacrifices for said person.

  13. Both mean that they love you but “In love” means that they also want to fuck you.

  14. I love my ex husband and he loves me but we are not in love with each other.
    The love has changed from that which you feel for a romantic partner to that which you feel for a dear family member or friend. His own mother says we look out for each other like brother and sister.
    That’s what it is. The love has changed.

  15. I love my ex. He’s the father to my children, still one of my best friends. We support each other still when we need to.

    I’m not in love with him. We broke up for a reason, we were not happy as a couple. We are happier now.
    He has a lovely girlfriend. Our children are happy and secure.

    He will always be a massive part of my life.
    But I do not want a romantic relationship with him.

    Being in love is wanting full romantic and sexual relationship. To be in a couple with that person.

  16. Genuinely wanting good things to happen for them is loving.

    Idk about IN love, but I do have love for family and a friend as well as some of her family. Just wanting someone to be happy I’d say is having love, but being in love would be like heartbreaks when you see two pinecones chilling on a branch and you’re just like “aww, that’s us”.

    I think…

  18. Loving someone means you care for them. You hope they live a good life. Every once in a while you’ll think about them and wonder how their life is going. If this person is a family member or friend you’ll text them and make time to see them but you won’t build a life around them.

    Being in love with someone means you want them in your daily life. You want to care for them and make sure their life is good. It also means you want them to love you and care for you back. You want to build a life with them and want them to be an active part of your own life.

  19. If you’re in love with someone, you also love them.
    You can love someone, but not be in love (like your relatives or a good friend).
    Like your bf, I still love my son’s mom and my ex, but we’re not in love at all. I’m not thinking about them all the time and wanting to see them naked. I just love them as people and will do whatever I can to help them.

  20. I love my ex, he has a good heart and I can always rely on him. We made each other laugh and get along like really good friends. I wasn’t in love with him but I appreciated him. I wanted to be in love but it just didn’t click that way. It’s rare for me to fall in love. I’m in love now with my current bf. There is passion I never experienced with my ex.

  21. Loving is a verb, something you do, being in love is a state. Also, you can say you truly do from the bottom of your heart love your friends while not being in love with them romantically. Is loving someone better than being in love? Oh definitely, but it’s not going to keep a relationship going by itself.

  22. In Spanish there’s a word I haven’t found a direct correlation with in English called ‘cariño’

    It translates to “affection and/or adoration”

    It can be used in platonic relationships and with significant others.

    I think he might mean it in the platonic way. I see love working like that too.

  23. For me, in order to maintain a real, long term relationship I need both kinds of love. Loving someone without being in love with them feels more like a close friendship or family-type relationship and not a romantic relationship. I have been with my fiancé for 9 years and I am still very much IN love with him AND I love him as well. I wouldn’t be able to still be with him if I didn’t.

  25. I only ever had some fall in love with me, but not the loving me part. One day hopefully.

  26. Loving someone is a continuous series of actions and expressions meant to make a person feel that they are loved.

    Being in love with someone is a state of being in which those actions and expressions come naturally as a true reflection of how one feels.

    By these definitions, I’d say it sounds like your bf wanted to be in love with his ex and he tried to make it work by actively loving her but there was some mismatch that he perceived that got in the way of that.

    This could be entirely wrong but, ya’know, Reddit questions.

  27. I hate that phrase “in love”. It’s such bullshit. The closest thing I can think of to explain it is a feeling caused by chemical reactions in the brain, then again so is every feeling. It’s fleeting at best. Real love is a choice. A conscious choice to care about something. It means more than a feeling.

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