My girlfriend and i have been seeing each other for a while now, i just see how she moves with other guys when she’s drunk and it annoys me. I tried breaking up with her over some other shit because I didn’t want to sound petty but she absolutely doesn’t want me to leave. This happened time and again, with her insisting what’s the problem i told her what exactly annoyed me. She says I’m at fault but the shit i see is inappropriate, sometimes hands touch, she forgets about my existence in the room, she responds to their compliments and sometimes she allows them to call her sexy, pretty, comment on her blouses and it just throws me off.
There was also an instance when we hadn’t started seeing eachother when she calls me up late at night when I was asleep so i didn’t answer, long story short: she slept at my friend’s house after drinking a lot and she tells me that she woke up and his hand was near chest and she tried to push him away and he wasn’t budging she did it two to three times more and then he moved. She calls me, i don’t pick up i wake up early i see her missed calls she asks me that she wants to meet me and tell me something, she says my friend molested her when she was passed out and i was infuriated. He denied it says we were drunk but she started it, she was flirting and she was getting touchy and she made the first move. I gave her the benifit of the doubt, most of the cases it’s the guys fault and eventually she wanted to date me because she didn’t like it that I was seeing another girl and apparantly she isn’t into anyone else so we started dating.
Now I am here, i know it’s a lot but i want to do the right thing. I’m too consumed in it at this point to be objective so i hope i can get some healthy advice on how to deal with this.
4 comments
Sounds like you need a new girlfriend
Just leave. A relationship is a 2 yes, 1 no situation, so if you don’t want to be in it anymore then don’t.
You don’t need anymore of a reason than you don’t want to continue it.
And if her actions when drinking are consistent, then your friend was probably telling you the truth.
break up with her, block her, avoid her. Hell if she can convince you that easily to stay with her than just send her a text (or not) and block her. Someone can’t force you to stay with them. If you don’t want to be with someone, then don’t be
Okay let’s talk about boundaries in a relationship.
Every relationship has boundaries- a limit of what’s okay for the other person to do. Typically, that’s something like– light flirting is okay, heavy emotion is not okay, kissing/fondling/petting is not okay, sexual activity is so not okay it’s an instant automatic breakup. But this varies by couple. Some couples everything up to sex is okay as long as there’s no emotion, other couples everything up to full love is okay as long as there’s no sex. It depends on you and her.
So you say it’s ‘inappropriate’- you’re thinking about it wrong. You’re trying to apply a broad societal standard. But YOUR standard is just as valid, more so even! What matters is the standard you and her agree on.
There is an expectation that both people will actively uphold those boundaries. That means not just not initiating a boundary-breaking activity, but actively rejecting such an activity and avoiding situations that would lead to it. IE, presenting oneself as single or available would often be considered a boundary violation. So to make a cheezy example, getting a drink with a guy friend is okay, going up to a random guy in a bar and saying ‘hey big boy, wanna buy me a drink?’ is not okay because even though getting a drink isn’t a violation, it’s presenting herself as being available and interested.
So the answer is you need to sit her down and agree on where those boundaries are. DON’T accuse her. Talk about your feelings more and what you want. A good way to start that is to present your own feelings and then ask for her input. That gets her engaged rather than just presenting demands, which makes her defensive.
For example:
‘I’d like to talk about what are the boundaries of our relationship. For example, not having sex with other people is the obvious one. But there’s a lot of levels between strangers and sex. And I think maybe we don’t quite agree on where our boundaries are, so I’d like to discuss that and make a mutual agreement.
I know you like attention from guys. I know you like to dance at the bar/club. I see you get into a groove and you’re sexy as hell (working in a compliment is always good). You love doing it and you love the attention it gets. And I certainly don’t blame you for that. They are drooling all over you (and I don’t blame them), they’re calling you pretty, sexy, talking about your clothes, etc and you let them do it.
But when that happens, it makes me feel really bad. I feel like you are on your own little stage, performing for all the single guys around you, basking in their attention, and I’m just forgotten in the back row of the theater. I feel that way because I know something those guys don’t- that you aren’t single. They just see a hot girl who’s putting herself on display, so they all assume you’re single or at least available. And that makes me uncomfortable. Watching you do it makes me feel ignored and abandoned. Especially because those guys are usually hotter than I am.
So I’m curious- what do you think our boundaries should be? If I was a chiseled hunk of a guy, what would you be comfortable with me doing with other girls?’
Hopefully that kicks off a good conversation.