Married 6 years (M30’s) (F30’s) with 2 kids 5 and under. I work full time and she’s a SAH mom while finishing up her degrees. We naturally have a lot of bills (house, cars, Tuition, day care, etc) and a lot on our plates. I sometimes work multiple jobs when our account balance gets low and have a high demanding career and she has a lot of stress being with the kids while also going to school. I can confidently say we each are doing our part to be a team and focus on the long run big picture.
There’s a huge problem I’m struggling with. She treats me like dog sh**. When I ask her if she loves me or wants to continue to be married to me the response is always “I don’t know” and when I calmly start asking questions on how I can make her life easier or make her happier she starts to get angry. When I ask when she’ll figure out what she wants or ask what she wants to do to fix our relationship I get some sort of twisted answer how I’m the cause of all of our problems. I’m honestly so lost and trying to look at things objectively and outside of myself because my goal is to remain married and be with the kids who absolutely adore me and constantly FaceTime me at work saying “dad I miss you” or “daddy we love you so much, you’re the best dad in the world”. I don’t understand why a SO would not want a man that provides for her and the kids while being their hero.
I understand her plate is full and being a student and SAH mom is the hardest job which is why I always try to show her appreciation and send lovey texts throughout the day. Often they go unanswered or they are not reciprocated. That’s fine but when we have arguments I here a lot of criticism about how i never check in with her while at work and I don’t care about the kids. This is really strange since my only social activity is a church basketball league for a few hours a week.
She mocks the things I do and my family. I’ve been in the hospital for domestic violence and threatened multiple times. It sounds crazy but all I want is for a little love and affection in return. Leaving would be suffering and staying is suffering. This entire time I’m made to believe I’m the problem. People that are close to me and her have suggested leaving including her family. She’s graduating with a pretty high degree and already stating that she’s concerned about going back to work because she can’t trust me alone to take care of the kids or make them a priority when she’s gone. This is also one of the reasons she’s considering leaving the marriage. It’s just insane to me because there aren’t any issues with me and the kids and the best I’ve heard from her is that they don’t go to bed on time. To me that’s a normal discussion and not a reason to divorce your husband and treat him like waste. In our 6 years she’s never apologized once and takes pride in being “toxic”. Her own words.
I’m a decent looking guy, great job, educated, love my family deeply, and want a peaceful life. I live in constant controlled chaos and stuck in a loveless / sexless marriage.
What’s worse leaving and feeling the guilt and loss of not being able to greet my kids each day or try to stick it out and bury the emotions and avoid conflict?
I’m basically dead already but no one would ever know because I hide my pain and emotions. This is all done for the sake of our kids and strangely I know my wife needs help and I think I’m going to help her by staying close. I know im being abused but my personality is one that I don’t know how to fight her level. I just try to avoid pitfalls.
11 comments
Show me someone who never apologizes, show me someone who always lists how others fail them, not how they fail others, and I will show you someone who has a narcissism disorder.
Typically what narcissists respect is power, not love, but respect.
She probably has some other issues going on as well.
Good luck
She sounds absolutely awful. So does she just plan on never letting you see the kids if she divorced you? Since apparently she doesn’t trust you with them?
I think your problem is bigger than your wife treating you poorly.
She treats you horribly when you are around her, and your young kids are FaceTiming you because they miss you so much when you are away at work?
I would be concerned that when you are not around to focus on, she shifts her focus, and as hard as it is for you to deal with your wife’s psychological abuse imagine how hard it would be for small children?
I wish I had better advice than forgetting about yourself for right now and trying to identify if your children are being treated correctly and getting them help if they aren’t.
The next time she physically attacks you, call the police and get it recorded. This is going to help you when the inevitable divorce comes and she is going to try to take those kids away from you.
This woman sounds horrid
No wonder your kids face time you man being at home with mom sounds terrifying and I’m 39. Seems they break down her game of mental abuse quite well cause to them its normal but it snaps her in line cause a camera is in play. Don’t be afraid to use your camera aswell even if it’s in your hand or pocket record her being toxic hold on to those videos tell no one. You may need them in Cort. So the real question you need to ask yourself is this relationship benefiting me? Yes and Nos. Helping me grow, the children? Her? What are the pros and cons of separation and staying together.. Couples therapy is always a good option also or therapy in general
Grant her, her wish.
Excuse me, did you say YOU WERE IN THE HOSPITAL because of domestic abuse!? She put you there?? Why would you stick around someone who beats you? Your wife has all the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or Borderline Personality Disorder. Look these up on youtube. If she does has this, small comfort, you don’t matter and its never about you. You are just an object to control and push around in her twisted world, you don’t actually register as human. It’s never going to change or get better, so learn to live with it (learn techniques to survive these people), or start gathering all the evidence to prove in court she’s a danger to you and kids. Record everything, paperwork bills of you being sent to hospital, record her rants secretly and so forth. After some evidence is gathered, go divorce her and sue for full custody.
These posts make my blood boil have you contacted any domestic abuse services? If not try and see what options they may be able to give you.
Man I’ve been in a similar situation with a toxic partner. It sucks but it came to point to treat it like a bandaid and just rip it off. You and your kids will be better off in the long run. That was my experience
Sounds like a Narcc
Elaborate on the domestic violence thing.