TLDR: I love my sweet boyfriend but how do u improve our sex life?
My (24F) boyfriend (25M) and I have been together for three years and living together for one, he’s the sweetest and we have tons in common (we’re both massive board game nerds and actually met in a board game cafe) and he treats me super respectfully, I’m super happy in our relationship and I know he’s the one.
However… the sex is just…bad. We communicate pretty openly and honestly and I’ve gently expressed my feelings that sexually my needs aren’t being met but he’s really shy and awkward around the topic and just seems completely uninterested?
I know sex isn’t everything but I really don’t feel wanted, he has a really low sex drive and never initiates it/ rarely indulges in any foreplay.
I’ve brought it up to him but he just shuts me out and when we do have sex it’s okay, but it’s so boring and over so quickly. I’m definitely a lot more adventurous than he is but I have no issues with that, each
to their own! I’m fine with having a ‘vanilla’ relationship, I just wish that he initiated it more often, took longer and put more effort in. To add some context we both have our own mental health issues but they actually work out pretty well and we just get each other most of the time.
Any advice how I can better communicate this to him or how we can work together to improve this issue?
24 comments
Is he on any medications that might affect his sex drive?
Sometimes you just have to be ultra clear – ‘I need you to do this’ – guys are pretty clueless most of the time.
Have you tried ‘taking the lead’ more during sex? Like getting on top, using toys, etc? You could have a lot of fun with this, get him really worked up during and making it so he *can’t* finish before you want him to. If that makes sense lol.
I have something to bring up just in case it hasn’t crossed your mind. Is there any chance whatsoever that he’s gay? Or possibly asexual?
**Edit:**
Why in the world am I getting downvoted for raising these questions? Could people who are downvoting me PLEASE say why? I’m genuinely curious and not understanding your reasoning.
Certainly it’s possible for him simply to have a low sex drive, or for these issues to be caused by medication.
But the questions I’m posing are also perfectly legitimate things to consider, in case she hasn’t. If you’re trying to get to the bottom of a problem, all possible reasons are worth exploring.
I was wondering if I was satisfying my girlfriend or not back when I was young. I went to the library. I found a book that was a compilation of what Swedish men do to turn on their partners. Afterwards my girlfriend was calling me her tiger. I was friends with a woman who would rent porn movies for her and her boyfriend. I dated a woman who draped herself with whipped cream and Hershey’s syrup (I couldn’t stop laughing). My suggestion: create a climate that makes the sex a calm, relaxing, stress free and ENJOYABLE experience.
You can’t communicate better if the other person shuts down the conversation. You also can’t communicate someone into having a higher libido. And it sounds like you have communicated about what you want when it comes to sex and he’s decided not to do it.
I don’t think communication is your problem. It’s that your bf is happy with the sex life you have and doesn’t want to do anything to make sure you’re happy with your sex life.
I think sex is extremely important in a relationship, we’re told that sex shouldn’t be important because it’s shallow to add so much value to it, and wow look at all these other amazing traits this guy has… But sex is one of the best feelings on Earth. It’s sacred. It’s a beautiful way to show your love. Sexual energy and chemistry is the only thing that separates a functioning relationship from just being a friend. I know many women don’t agree but I do believe it’s important and I wanted to chime in on the sentiment because I’ve caught myself before saying it isn’t important out of shame or even guilt for saying something that may betray my partner. I hope you resolve this! I’d also say you’re not feeling heard either, which also is something to address.
I don’t think this relationship is going to work out unless he matures. He needs to be honest with you about what the issue is – is he asexual? Just low sex drive? Or does he just flat out not care about your pleasure?
The thing is, he’s a grown man and needs to communicate instead of shutting you out when you try to talk about the issue. Sit him down at a time when you aren’t doing anything sexual, and bring up this issue and how it makes you feel. Don’t let him stonewall you. He needs to tell you the truth and if he even wants to get better. Actionable steps should be taken to make it better. Maybe that’s him reading “She Comes First” or you read it together. Maybe that’s you taking the lead and instructing him on what you want him to do. Maybe it’s him reading smutty romance novels to get some ideas. But something needs to change, because sex is very important in a relationship.
If he doesn’t put in the effort to change, consider if this is what you want for the rest of your life.
“Sex is not everything”……
Well, maybe not exactly everything, but it is most everything.
If he doesn’t want to listen and improve —
I hear you saying that he’s very shy and shuts down the conversation. Any way you can bring it up where you are not looking at each other and maybe in darkness, like traveling in the car at night? Something that sometimes helps with shyness/embarrassment/shame is if it’s a discussion with an impartial party like a sex therapist. You two aren’t looking at each other but at the counselor person and he/she is not someone who is invested in the relationship.
ask him straight up how intrested he is in sex in general.
If he’s just not that intrested that’s another issue ud have to try figure out why and what to do about i, but if hes just shy maybe work on ways to make him feel less shy and more comfterable. Ask about his turn ons, let him know your turn ons and simple ways to start initiating. Being shy sexually can cause a lot of fear to do something wrong or mess up, or even inexperience or performance anxiety. And
Then u can really Go from there if it works.
Maybe ask if he has sexual needs or wants hes intrested in or even suggest slight kink action. If you can find out what your partner is into and gets them excited, ur gonna have a lot more of an easier time getting them intrested and even intrested in satisfy your needs as well if you have good communication .
Hell if ur desperate u could even suggest fun silly games like strip card games or sugestive drinking games, etc, or even just have a deep convo about small simple things that both turn u on.. if he’s intrested in sex, or even if hes usually not, it could make things more fun.
If your needs aren’t being met, then there is no way to sugar coat that.
You can love him all you want, but this is important to you. I know you mentioned that medication is taking some of the blame, but I would urge you guys to get his blood tested as well.
Had a couple of friends who were in the same boat and they found out that his Testosterone was extremely low. They gave him some hormones and their sex life has been going great.
If it’s not medical, then I think you may need to ask yourself if this is something you can compromise on. Sometimes, it is better to walk away if you know something isn’t working!
Have you ever considered that your just jot compatible? Totally sucks, he may not be unwilling to hear you he may be unable to meet your needs.
Just ended a four year relationship because we weren’t compatible sexually (we were nearly perfect for each other in every way otherwise). It sucks but eventually the person who is “sacrificing” will start to resent things even when they try not to. (And in our case, it wasn’t even terrible sex, just no variety, and one party was very vanilla, while the other had kinks for days)
Sex isn’t everything unless you’re having none. Then something is wrong
Are you me? Honestly, it’s like déjà vu. My partner and I even met because of board games as well and this is the EXACT problem I have and I can completely empathize.
I love him, damn I love him. He’s great and wonderful and we get along wonderfully in every way but sexually. It so frustrating because I try and try and get no where. His response is mostly “meh” and it feels like he just doesn’t care. I know he enjoys sex as he watches a lot of porn and was really into kinky stuff with partners before me. But then I came along and it was like BAM, nothing.
When I talk to him he says that we’re just not sexually compatible but I don’t think so, I just think he’s really stuck in his ways and refuses to compromise.
Maybe he’s board of sex? Maybe he just wants what he wants and doesn’t want to try anything new? Maybe he’s scared?
Who knows but I feel you so hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this and know you have someone going through it too.
If you need to vent feel free to message me.
You mentioned that it’s over “so quickly.” Is it because he doesn’t last very long? If so, it’s probably not so much that he doesn’t want to, but that he feels inadequate and embarrassed
If it means enough to you that you feel the need to post it here, both of you need to be talking to a professional.
And be prepared for the relationship to end as a result.
Okay so you’ve taken a great step, by telling him explicitly that your needs aren’t being met. That’s huge, and much further than most people go.
However, he doesn’t understand how important the conversation actually is. Remember, he has a low sex drive and may not think sex is important. He is not understanding that, to you, it is.
So the next step is to actually force through the awkwardness and say explicitly that he needs to do better, and that the relationship is hurting due to his non-participation. That he can’t continue the way he is and expect everything to work out.
I know it’s a lot of work, but if the relationship is important, it might be worth doing.
Im placing my bet that he’s asexual or demi lol
>We communicate pretty openly and honestly
>I’ve brought it up to him but he just shuts me out
Doesn’t sound very open or honest.
Does he simply not value your pleasure or making it an enjoyable experience for you? When I was less experienced it was ‘okay’ sex but in comparison generally unfulfilling and short-lasting. Does he do any other foreplay items?
Since you’re the more experienced person in your relationship, how do you think you could get him to your level?
If you’re nerds, bring the games into the bedroom! Get a set of the sexy dice where one has a location and one has an action. Make him a sexy board game. Find some sexy cards. There’s options out there!
Speaking from experience, after this long together it’s not going to get better.
Do NOT get married
Once you’ve tried all of the excellent advice on this thread, do one thing for me? Sit quietly with yourself and reassess this ‘he is the One’ business. Seriously consider what will happen to your self-esteem if this is the sex you are doomed to forever. Be clear with yourself that as an individual you are allowed to want it, and be wanted. It is not shameful or needy to know your own sexual wants and ask for them (respectfully) and expect your partner to take that into account seriously too. And if they can’t satisfy you, for them to take the initiative to discuss it with you and try and proactively find solutions. If someone is shutting you down left, right and centre on the sexual mismatch stuff? They are not the human for you. I promise. And compromising because you like playing board games with them is gonna seem like a very bad strategy in a few short years. I promise that too.
So be confident and clear with him now to give him the chance to step up. Even if an ultimatum is necessary. Don’t let it slide. If he keeps his head in the sand, go find your happy somewhere else. You didn’t leave him because of sex, you left him because he prioritised denial over you (day after day, night after night, with 1000 mini choices he made).