I feel as though this is going to be a long mess, but I don’t really know where else to go. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, and we got together last December after being friends for a while. It was intoxicating and beyond romantic. We danced in parking lots as “prom” since he missed the chance in high school to ask me, we stayed up late with sleepovers and anime binges, he’d rush home on his lunch break to cram more quality time in, and, as luck would have it, we got pregnant VERY early.
This is the first true, in-person relationship I’ve had, and I identify as asexual and a person that could always see themselves as a parent later on, but never one to give birth. The physical pains of pregnancy, hormonal depression, and the pressure of making the right decision for myself, my partner, our relationship, and my unborn child made this a really difficult few months. I started peer counseling, went to family resource centers, upped my antidepressant, stayed on suicide chat lines, and eventually went to parenting classes. I needed more support from my partner than I felt I was getting, but he had told me since day one that he was meant to be a father and he wanted this with me. After lots and lots of consideration, I told him I wanted this too and wanted to do this alongside him. His family became a big help in celebrating our decision, and decorated our son’s nursery, threw us a gender reveal, and planned our baby shower. It felt like everything had worked out and was falling into place.
My son had fetal growth restriction and my doctors wanted to induce at 37 weeks. It was terrifying, and my labor was painful, but to finally meet my son after being a home to him changed my life. He was born on September 9, 2022. The first few weeks were hard because of stitches, diastasis recti, sleep deprivation, bleeding, engorgement, and so on and so forth, but my baby was good and didn’t cry much. He had to wake up every 2 to 3 hours to feed and take this extra caloric formula, but it wasn’t so bad. Then, my boyfriend found out his paternal leave wasn’t approved and he had to go back to work about a month early. Things slowly started getting worse where our baby had painful gas all the time, was very fussy, and was sleeping less. I was a stay-at-home mom with no income of my own, with less and less time to get things done, always having to care for my boyfriend’s 3 pets, and doing most of the childcare so my boyfriend could sleep for work. I started feeling pretty taken advantage of by everyone. His family got their first grandchild they always wanted and were busy making him social media famous, my boyfriend got all the sleep and orgasms he wanted with not nearly as many childcare shifts as he should’ve had because he would get frustrated and bully our 1 month old.
After another night of one sided sex, he left his phone downstairs. It was a breach of privacy and a wrong on my part, but I felt there was something wrong in my heart and went through it. I saw texts from months ago where he had tried to set up lunch dates with his ex while he was at work, he told them he loved them and wanted them back for months, said he didn’t want the baby and wished it was them, he tried to sleep with them, they sent him an old sex tape of them, he got on different platforms and told them to message him there. That coupled with postpartum was my breaking point. His family has my baby because I’m so angry and depressed and suicidal. I worry about having a connection with my son. I feel cheated out of everything and am so sad that his dad is who he is. My boyfriend has said that he didn’t mean any of it and was just saying what he needed to to sabotage his own life. He said he hasn’t been the same after his trauma and having access to social media and people makes it easier to make these bad decisions that make him sick afterwards. He says we’re supposed to get married and our son and I have made him want to get help. He has lied to my face but now paints my nails and buys me tattoos and spends more time with me than on his gaming PC like it fixes things. It doesn’t make any sense to me and I don’t know what I should do.
TLDR: I just had a baby because my boyfriend convinced me he wanted this life, and then saw messages to his ex that said he had tried to set up dates and hookups with them and that he still wants them and wished it was them who was pregnant.
16 comments
So sorry message me back
Messaged u
The first thing to do is take care of yourself for the baby. If he and his family are making that possible for you, use that. Try and find support systems. Counseling if you can find it. Groups for new mothers are increasingly common in a lot of places. Go to a breastfeeding support group. The organizers can usually get you in touch with resources if you don’t have the money. Breastfeeding support groups are great because they’re private spaces for mothers and it won’t seem suspicious to boyfriend or family if you’re there. Post partum is nuts, don’t underestimate it and what it will do to your thinking. It can make you paranoid or rash if you’re not on top of it.
Start finding a way to put away money however you can, preferably in a bank or something. Use what support you have while you have it. It sounds like a tough situation. If you get the emotional and mental support you need (outside of your relationship with your boyfriend and his family) to have your feet under you, you can decide if you want to stay. If you don’t, get a job to save money and move out. Educate yourself on all the assistance programs for new mothers.
The goal will be to uncouple from him and his family when you’re ready. Hopefully you can stay friendly, just not romantic as drama with your child’s parent can be awful. However it doesn’t sound like you want to be in this relationship at the moment.
Before I even got to “set up lunch dates with ex” I was thinking “go through his phone”… I’m sorry you’re going through this mamma. It probably won’t get much better either.
You’ve been through a lot. You just had your baby no quite two months ago. Have you even had your 6 week postpartum checkup? Might want to discuss PPD with your therapist, if you haven’t already.
You’re doing everything and he’s doing not a damn thing to help you take care of your baby. He wanted a baby, but none of the responsibility that comes with having one.
Now you find out he’s been trying to cheat with his ex and would drop you like a hot potato if she wanted him back. You deserve better than this. Can you move back home, maybe in with his parents (if they are supportive and you weren’t just an incubator for them) or in with someone else until you can get on your feet? You need support and aren’t getting it.
I’m so so sorry you have to go through this. You and your child deserve better than that lame excuse of a man you have. Please, put yourself and your health (both mentally and physically) first. Sending you nothing but love and support.
>nearly as many childcare shifts as he should’ve had because he would get frustrated and bully our 1 month old.
hey, uh, what the fuck
how does he bully a one month old?
Ohh honey my heart goes out to you
You need to dump him and focus on you sweetheart.
Find a female doctor there more compassion and know what your dealing with.
Do you have family further away so you can get a fresh start heal and get yourself back.
Find a good job build yourself up..
Walking..hiking . getting out in nature..
Making friends.. but not in the area ex boyfriend is..
Child wise maybe in the future you can work on seeing him but right now you gotta focus on you.
Please keep us updated.
Please
Get therapy
This relationship is toxic and neither of you are ready to be parents
Let his family care for the baby, if they will, to keep him safe. (If you’re worried about them perhaps trying to keep him, will your family help)?
Hell no. Don’t give into the love bombing. This is fucked up.
Please talk to your Dr about ppd. I’m getting the sense from some of your wording, like being afraid of not bonding and being a burden. The first few months are the worst, it gets better and you’ll find a rythum, but please all about ppd because I think it’d really help. Stay strong. You got this.
> my boyfriend got all the sleep and orgasms he wanted with not nearly as many childcare shifts as he should’ve had because he would get frustrated and bully our 1 month old
I hope you mean with his hand because you’re not meant to be having sex until 6 weeks out as a rule.
And bully your 1 month old? Wtf? You have a duty to keep the child safe.
This is basically a list of reasons you shouldn’t be with him. You were together less than a month before you got pregnant, you never had a real relationship with him, and now you’re trying to make it work with someone who doesn’t even really want to be with you because of the situation. The sooner you accept that the better for everyone. Make sure you get a lawyer and make sure he pays child support. Talk to the lawyer about what to do regarding custody when the father is a safety risk for the child.
Why are you still with him?! If you want to stay, stay, and be miserable. Deep down you know he’s going to cheat on you, he’s already cheated on you by sending those messages its just a waiting game for him now, you’ve set him back by confronting him but he will find a way. And when it happens, what you gon do? Wish you had a backbone and do whats right for you and your kid. But it’s your decision 🙄
Tell him immediately, so he will realize that you are not to be trusted, and hopefully he will go back to his X and his beautiful child, to create a trusting and loving family.
Talk about getting finessed. This sucks. I really wish you the best mama. This is so awful what an evil man. Get your baby away from him no cap. Don’t make excuses for him. No one hangs a one month old baby upside down. And please learn your lesson from this. Don’t get swept up by the honeymoon phase again.