I’m 48 hours removed from a hysterectomy and am sitting in a rocking chair in our sick 2 year old’s room in tears this is not the first time I have been in a situation like this. When our daughter was 2 I needed an emergency appendectomy and was 48 hours removed from that surgery and was in much the same situation. My husband is a wonderful man and father. He’s very loving and caring and devoted, dotes on me, to the point of being overbearing when it comes to my recovery after childbirth and surgery. But when it comes to what ai ACTUALLY need, which is for him to take care of our small children it feels like he is absolutely worthless. He can change their diapers, feed them, bathe them, yes, but without fail, at bedtime he loses his patience and the end result is always this. They are lying in bed crying. I’m sitting in the rocking chair unable to do anything but cry my own tears because I can’t hold them to comfort them. There’s dirty bedsheets on the floor because he has tried to give them medicine to soothe their symptoms but he doesnt know how to do it slowly and gently so it gets everywhere which makes him angry. Inevitably he ends up yelling at them to shut up and go to sleep which makes me say to stop yelling at them and if he can’t handle it then I will go recover at my parents house with the kids. He then gets upset because he says no he wants me at home but he has to sleep for work. And on and on the cycle goes until I recover from surgery enough to be able to pick my children up again and handle the bedtime routine once more. Like I said. This is actually my third abdominal surgery so this is actually almost normal at this point and my family is becoming SICK of his behavior when it happens. They say he is their father he should be able to handle giving them medicine and putting them to bed without reducing me and them to tears especially since this is the third time now. I say it’s my own fault cause I always handled bedtime so when surgery happens he just kinda gets thrown into the deep end.
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Unfortunately you kind of put yourself in this position, because it sounds like you never involved him in the bedtime routine. He absolutely should not yell at your children because heās frustrated, but of course he doesnāt know how to do it ārightā if heās only done it a few times. When you recover, you need to start doing bedtime together, and then alternate nights once he has it down.
I would go to your moms. If he’s not willing to keep his composure around the kids re:very small hiccup type situations, your children will begin to make connections between small incidents and rage and mimic his behavior. It would be harder to correct behavior than it would be to keep from exposing them to your husband’s behavior. Go to your mom’s and recover in a peaceful environment where you are not stressing about your children being upset. Your children’s emotional well-being should take precedence over your husband’s suggestion. He doesn’t recognize his inability to handle the extra duties, you do so take the necessary actions to ensure your children are in good care while you rest. I would go to your mom’s and don’t leave it up for discussion. Your children will thank you for it
The behaviors you’ve described here are him being abusive, so you’re being underly sensitive from my perspective.
Your partner shouldn’t make you and your children cry on any day especially when you’re vulnerable and compromised, and he definitely shouldn’t abandon his family.
This is also your kids reacting to the change in routine and the stress of you having surgery. He needs to be putting them to bed on normal nights too and get them used to the idea that it’s mom sometimes and dad sometimes.
It’s abusive if he is screaming at them and telling them to shut up. Your children are experiencing trauma. It affects their nervous system throughout their lives. Take your kids and go recuperate where someone can help you. Why are you putting up with his behavior?
You’re both stressed right now and need some sleep. Don’t call your husband worthless over one thing either, that’s rude when you’ve even stated how good of a dad he is. He shouldn’t have lost his composure and yelled, but give him some slack. He doesn’t handle bedtime normally so it’s tough on the kids too.
Try talking to him and give him some pointers on putting them to bed. Ask him to do that with you more often once you’re able to move around more. Changes can be difficult to kids so they’re not making this any easier for him so help how you can for now.
Does this sound like a safe and stable home environment for your children?
Have someone come over to take care of you!! ((HUGS))
1) I hope you recover well and quickly
2) stop having children with this man WTF would he do if (god forbid) something terrible had happened during your surgery. I say this in case you were to consider adoption or fostering. Iām sorry that getting pregnant again isnāt an option.
3) show him what to do, with you. Have him do this regularly, as part of the normal routine. Tell him he learns it or your time at your parents with the kids will be permanent. Itās ridiculous he doesnāt know to handle night time routines or giving medicine. You say heās a good father, Iād beg to differ.
WTAF???!!!!
My ex would have our kids 2-3 weeks at a time , several times a year as my work required me to be in Asia often. He made damn sure he knew exactly how to care for and comfort our children.
Your husband has never been taught how to deal with his big feelings. He gets overwhelmed and stressed. Itās ok for him to feel that way, but itās not ok for him to react that way. Your children behave immaturely because their kids. Their dad behaves immaturely because heās never grown.
He needs to learn coping strategies for when his nervous system goes haywire. He needs to first recognize that this is a negative character trait that can be improved, with effort. Heās scaring the kids and heās not helping them. His reaction will just worsen their behaviour.
Iām so sorry youāre going through all of this. You could use some more support. ā¤ļø
You got a best friend/sister who would be willing to come over and do āspecialā bedtime for the kiddos?
Regardless, he needs to start putting the kids to bed regularly without you. And when you arenāt recovering from surgery.
You are not overly sensitive. Your husband appears to have anger issues. He also seems to be not an equal participant in parenting.
My dad was like this. He screamed at me all the time like there was no tomorrow. Through therapy, I learned it was anxiety that presented as anger (not an excuse, just an explanation). Your husband is probably just as overwhelmed and anxious as you are. Except youāre reacting differently than he is. I would have a serious conversation about anxiety and exhausting when youāre both calm. And probably get him into some therapy because he needs to find healthy ways to cope with his anxiety instead of having angry outbursts.
I hope other family can come over to help. Your husbands behaviour isnāt acceptable. If he needs a break, he can go into the other room but screaming at literal children is not appropriate.
My honest opinion? Yes you are being extremely sensitive. Itās obvious that your husband wants to help but overwhelms himself because he feels he isnāt up to the standards you set on him; therefore he is making clumsy mistakes because of the pressure. U need to recover and focus on yourself first before you worry about your childrens needs in the moment because if u canāt you end up putting more strain on your whole family for longer. Children are resilient; they will be fine because they have two committed loving parents!! Good luck
Your husband is controlling and abusive.
Iām three weeks post hysterectomy and the same day I had surgery one of my kids fractured his knee. My husband has bent over backwards to help us both and take on everything in the household – no questions asked.
You need to heal and recover. Youāre not meant to be lifting, straining or over-exerting yourself. You may soon feel okay but even then, everything is internal and it takes weeks.
Go to your parents where the help is. You need to not worry about your husband. Heās an adult. Your kids need help and heās not doing it.
Please take care of you first, sort out the parenting and relationship issues when you have recovered.
I think therapy/counseling for him (and maybe also you) should be involved, honestly.
This is ridiculous behavior from your husband. You are recovering from major surgery, and he canāt give some medicine, do bedtime, and be a little tired because it took longer than he wanted? God forbid you get an ongoing illness like cancer one day (I sincerely hope you donāt! But you could). Then what? He just loses his mind at bedtime every night? SMH.
Iād cut him some slack. Play up his strengths. Honestly, after a while of fighting a 2yo with medication and bedtime anyone can be at their wits end.
Make sure BOTH of you are doing the bedtime routine every night. Your children will benefit. Your husband will benefit, and your marriage will benefit. But first, from someone who also had a hysterectomy, please rest and get some sleep.
WTF are you staying there when you know exactly how inept, insensitive, & what an AH he is in these situations. You shouldāve made arrangements for the kids to go stay with your family, & when you got out of the hospital you should have joined them. You are sacrificing your & your kids emotional & mental health. Grow a set & tell your AH husband to take you all to your family now or call an Uber.
Sounds like at the end of the night heās just burnt out. Happens to everyone. Maybe ask if someone can come
Help out at night? Not take over. But an extra set of hands. Since his struggle is affecting you and the kids
mother to mother, get your children out of this situation.. it isn’t okay, simple.
Completely agree! I am sahm at the moment to my 10mo. And she won’t go to bedtime if it’s not mom. She is used to me putting her to bed. It really doesn’t affect on normal days but I recently had a dental procedure done and was in a lot of discomfort but had to put her to bed coz the baby will not stop fussing.
We have started gradually for her to get used to daddy but with babies changes are slow.
OP, maybe you wanna start bedtime with dad gradually and fir now he can do all the other background chores.
This is absolutely unacceptable. Iām ten days post hysterectomy and my husband is RIGHT NOW cradling our sick and miserable two year old. I am so sorry youāre in this situation – I donāt even know what to say. I would not be able to stand anyone treating my children like that.
Real question… do you allow your husband to to anything related to direct child rearing when you’re healthy? Or is it just you who does everything and he for some reasons is excluded or doesn’t do it?
I hear stories like this and it makes me so nervous to get married. I’ve been with my bf for years, but I don’t know how I would handle him acting like this, especially with kids in the mix. I don’t think I would trust someone to take care of me if I was truly vulnerable and dependent on them.
You’re in a bad situation, and I really hope it gets better for you. I guess the whole “in sickness and in health” thing only applies to his sickness and your health. He doesn’t sound mature enough to be a father. Kids are having trouble adjusting to a sleep routine….so he screams at them until everyone’s crying? That’s less than the bare minimum, it’s actively damaging.
I think you both need to be handling bedtime every single night as team that way when you do have to have surgery itās not so hard on him
If, and only if, this is a relationship you want to fix…when you aren’t on the mend, have him help with bed time. Get him and the children used to Dad doing bedtime.
I’m a dad and it used to tear me to pieces that I couldn’t get my kids to sleep. That my ex would have to take over. The only thing that changed was me. I had to put in the time and even if she had to basically take over, I had to stay in the room. Try to help.
What really got me over the hump was trial by fire though. My ex would need breaks like mothers do and it was all on me.
The only way is patience and sticking through it. Just like moms do basically every night. The first couple will be rough but if he does it right, it gets much easier very fast.
But he has to patient. Shockingly yelling at children or worse in the dark isn’t very conducive for getting them to sleep.
Like everything in life, he has to be willing to put in the work.
He needs noise canceling headphones.
Sounds like he gets overwhelmed by the noise.