My dad at least once a month will text me and ask me for money. This is the only time he really calls or texts me. So I always dread when I see his name pop up on my phone. He usually asks for anywhere from 100-800. The most I’ve given was 1k so their vehicle wasn’t repossessed.
I have been saying yes because when I was a stay at home mom I didn’t have access to money, so I’d ask them for money every now and then so I could get gas, or food. I feel like I owe them. But once I lent my dad 500 and then 1k I told him he didn’t have to pay me back and that’s for all the times he helped me.
Now he is asking again and I am exhausted. I am a single mom who has to pay for daycare and all my bills, along with worrying about giving my parents money, while my brother [31M] who doesn’t have a job and hasn’t in 10 years gets to sit at home in their basement, play video games, smoke weed, cigarettes, and drink. I don’t know how to tell him no though. How do I word it nicely?
TL;DR: my dad keeps asking me for money and I’m frustrated because I am a single mom and barely getting by, but my brother who lives at home doesn’t have a job and they don’t make him. I don’t know how to make it stop nicely.
17 comments
>How do I word it nicely?
Why do you have to word it nicely?
‘I cannot give you any more money.’
Why are you having to give them money? Why can’t the unemployed pothead get a job and help out? Why do you have to subsidize their inability to balance a checkbook?
Dad – I can’t give you any more money for food and bills because then I wouldn’t be able to buy food and pay my bills.
uhm what happens to all their money? is the son taking it all?
You need to talk to your parents. It’s not about wording it “nicely”; it’s about you being the adult daughter now and communicating clearly and directly. And you most certainly can be kind at the same time.
You tell them you are no longer in a position to give them money. You’d love to help, but you no longer can. You do not have offer any detailed explanations.
If they continue to ask, just kindly remind them that you don’t want to be asked for money any longer as you’re uncomfortable talking about money with them. Closed subject.
If you want to help, gift them at birthdays or holidays if you can. Otherwise, subject closed.
*How do I word it nicely?*
Say, “Dad, I would give you a million dollars if I could but, I simply do not have any money. I’m sorry”.
Say this each and every time he asks. If he asks why you don’t have money, if he asks you when you will have money, if he suggests you work more hours, etc., say it again, Op.
BTW, Op? I would not answer his calls. If he asks you why you don’t answer his calls say, “Dad, you only call when you need money. Dad, I would give you a million dollars if I could but, I simply do not have any money. I’m sorry”.
Eventually, after a few hundred times he asks you for money and you give him the exact same answer, he will stop asking.
Op, I am only trying to help you out on how you can say it nicely. I’m not even going to comment on the other stuff because…I wouldn’t say it nicely, at all.
When Mom was alive she used to say this to Me: “Once you start Something, You will have to keep doing it.” You have kindly enabled this situation with Dad to continue lending out a lot of Money, Honey, You do not “have.” Now Dad expects it like it was a running Brook of Big Bucks. You need to finally tell him on the phone(NO TEXT)that you do not have it anymore because our economy is going in the tank. Things cost a lot of money and it don’t grow on trees. I am even reading Diesel may run out in less now in 25 days!!!!
I get that it’s hard to say no. Another option would be to figure out your budget, and see how much you can afford to give them. If it’s $40 a month, so be it. It’s not what they want, but it’s better than nothing.
And you say your dad only calls you once a month. Do you call him other times? Do you keep in touch at all? Maybe he’s lonely and trying to find an excuse to call.
You need to keep firm and say you’re struggling saying that there’s times you need help from them and you can’t get it because they need money as well. You need to keep bringing up your brother. “Why can’t my brother help? I can’t even save for my kids because I’m supporting my brother.” Take it off at your parents and put it on your brother.
Tell him that if you had the means, you would help out but you are tapped out trying to keep yourself and your kids afloat. It’s nothing personal, but you are over extended.and need to ensure that your kids are properly taken care of.
You can word it as nicely as you want, but I think you need to understand and accept that he might still guilt you, get angry, throw a tantrum about it. And that you can just let that happen and you do not have to manage his reaction. Hang up the phone if you need to. You cannot let fear of confrontation prevent you from putting an end to him using you as an ATM.
You say he stops for a bit then asks again. Why? Because you cave. Every time you cave you tell him he can get you to do it again, if he just tries. So also know that he will keep asking and you have to KEEP shutting it down, over and over.
But stop worrying about being nice, truly.
“Dad, I’m exhausted. I am a single mom who has to pay for daycare and all my bills. I don’t have it to give.” Then stand your ground. “I don’t have it to give.” Practice saying that out loud.
Sorry, Dad. I have to support myself and my kids. If you are short on cash to support your family, maybe brother can get a job and start contributing.
Tell him in order to get ahead and be ontop, you have a finance company budget your income and you get a very small allowance but the rest is tied up. We have ‘my budget’ here and they literally divvy up your income so you can get out of debt n save. They’re a rip off but he doesn’t have to know that.
I think you should ask him for money once in a while
>My dad at least once a month will text me and ask me for money.
Why does your 66 year old father need to take money from his 26 year old daughter? Can’t he work? Hasn’t he saved any money from the past 40+ years he has been working?
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> while my brother [31M] who doesn’t have a job and hasn’t in 10 years gets to sit at home in their basement, play video games, smoke weed, cigarettes, and drink.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
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>How do I word it nicely?
You don’t need to be nice, just be direct.
“No, I’m not lending you any money.”
“But whhhyyyy?”
“I’m don’t have the money to lend you.”
“But what about X, Y, Z?”
“I’m not lending you any money.”
“WAAAAAA”
“I’m not lending you any money. Goodbye.”