Bf (m25), me f (22) been together 3 years and want marry eachother. Butttt…
It’s not like he talks about how much he misses them. When we first started dating he was adamant about looking for a life partner and that his last relationships didn’t work cause they cheated or were too much into drugs or whatever. He took a 2 year dating Hiatus until he met me to “heal” . 3 years later he will still mention them. For example we were watching a cartoon and the character was crying in his room very dramatically and throwing things around and he made a joke and said “me when my first gf cheated on me” and started laughing
I was like: uh okay.
He talks about how I am the best gf he’s every had and I find him comparing them to me sometimes. Like he will say I’m an amazing partner and he sees a real future with me and he never did with them. He says he never wanted to start a family until he met me. He will tell me the same stories over and over of his past 3 girlfriends. I have also been fucked over by my exes so I get it but I don’t bring it up that often unless he has asked which was maybe once or twice in the past 3 years.
It’s just annoying and I told him it’s unnecessary and he said he doesn’t see a problem with him venting about his past but he will stop. A few weeks later he mentioned one of them again. He even will tell me “funny” stories about his sexual experiences.
It makes me super uncomfortable and I honestly don’t care at all about his past or past relationships. It makes me feel sick hearing about them. I feel like every once in a while it’s okay to laugh at our exes but I don’t want to be compared to them even if it’s in a positive manner. It’s not an everyday thing but it’ll be every few weeks or something.
Tl:dr bf brings up his past a lot and I don’t care to hear it
5 comments
When he brings it up, cut him off and say, “You said you would stop, because you care about me and don’t want to make me uncomfortable.” Honestly, I think his behavior is weird. I am friends with my exes. My partner is friends with my exes. And I don’t generally bring up stories of when I was with them, and I certainly don’t compare my partner to them. That part of my life is in the past. So, even though one of my exes is someone my partner will regularly invite over to hang out and is still in my life, it still sounds to me like he talks about his exes a weird amount. I don’t even usually think about my old relationships. They are over and done with and I moved on ages ago.
Maybe he should seek therapy. He’s not over the trauma. He maybe laugh about certain things but I think he’s deeply hurt.
‘Tell him that it bothers you with all the talking about them so often otherwise you wouldn’t mind some stories here and there but all of this is too much
Completely valid feelings, basically anyone would feel the same way in this situation. Perhaps a good question is – why are you telling us rather than him/do you not feel you can tell him it makes you uncomfortable?
Million dollar question: how does he compare to your exes (lol)? Tongue in cheek but I mean, are you happy with him? If yes, it’s all good, then he may just have an empathy failure going on (I’m sympathetic as I’m autistic to the idea that some of us need a prompt to realise our behaviour is hurtful to others from time to time, but whether or not he actually knocks it off once he knows it upsets you is most important here.
I don’t understand . He wants to talk about his issues and traumas but since he assumes( rightfully so) that you won’t be understanding , he is throwing little hints . Maybe I am wrong and he could be just a miserable, petty person ( no he isnt).
I suggest be the person who is his safetlt place to talk and share. It’s not like he is thinking about his past relationships fondly. He just wants you to be there for him to share like any decent partner does.
Hell, one of my ex gf( broke up for different reasons) was badly screwed by her ex, that she will shiver and break sometimes but when I talked to her, she felt so lighter. By the time, we broke up, I can perhaps say that she was much better in life and she wanted to be with me only for that. Again, we broke up for another reason. She did have a few residues of trauma though like anger towards her ex and her inability to respond properly in certain matters.
So, next time when he throws a remark like that just tell him
” honey, come here. Did she really hurt you that bad?”
don’t say ” I won’t be like her.”
Just be there as he shares while rubbing his back. Won’t you do the same for you BFF? Doesn’t your bf deserve that too?
Some simple communication would solve your problem here, I believe. I also just think he sees you as his safe space, and it’s a new feeling he hasn’t felt, and he doesn’t know how to express it effectively yet. Like I said, just bring awareness to him and I’m sure he will relax a bit.