I (22F) have never been in a relationship.
I never really understood guys growing up, I always felt a sense of anxiety and awkwardness around them, which I know is normal but I have literally never had any real guy friends so I think it’s a bit deeper for me. I always had a small group of friends that were all female.
I’ve had 2 real crushes in my entire life. They happened during elementary and high school. They were both guys and they were both pretty much unattainable. They were both popular and conventionally attractive (at least to me lol) and I did not know how to interact with either. I wasn’t friends with either of them and I would just kinda interact as much as I could without making any kind of move or explicitly showing that I liked them with this fantastical hope that they would somehow come to like me and ask me out. That never happened lmao and I lost hope for both of them as I noticed girls WAY prettier and more popular than me show interest in them and actually make moves to be their friend.
I could never get over my high school crush until graduation and I had no other guys express interest in me so I ended my adolescent years with no romantic experience. As I watched my friends around me all get boyfriends I was left confused and, honestly, hurt because I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong. I couldn’t get my crush to notice me but I also wasn’t attracting other guys. I didn’t understand what they did to build friendships with guys that were decent and actually enter relationships with them.
I was left internalizing that the problem was me. I was clearly not attractive enough or I didn’t have the right personality or I just repelled guys for some reason.
I’m now in my last year of undergrad in college and I still haven’t had any luck in my love life. While I was studying abroad about a year ago, I decided to try my luck at online dating since I was basically in a blank canvas kinda state and everything. I went on a few dates and I ended up breaking things off pretty quickly with everyone I had went out with. I just could not see myself starting any kind of romantic/intimate relationship with any of them. And, of course, there was the factor of me leaving the country in a few months.
As I get older, I can feel myself developing anxiety, uncertainty, and tbh annoyance towards men. Of course, I can only go from what I’ve seen but based on the experiences I’ve heard from and witnessed through my friends, many men (I won’t say all cause ik generalization is no good and everything) seem to be so focused on the physical aspect of being with someone. I know men obviously have other thoughts and needs besides intimacy but everything I’ve heard from my friends and media have pointed to this notion that men are willing to do so much (manipulate, play games, etc.) for sex and the physical aspects of a relationship. Every time I see my friends and their boyfriends I see how touchy the guys are with them and how they’re always focused on being so close to them and I just can’t see myself responding positively to that. I’m thinking this is more of a personal thing that I need to work on.
Besides all of this, I also just feel like I’d be a shit partner. I find new red flags in myself everyday and I’ve come to feel that I wouldn’t even date myself. I feel that the ideal guys I would be attracted to is very good looking (again, to me hahaha), confident, emotionally available, and just overall a good, fascinating person. I do not feel that I would have that much to offer to someone like that.
So now I’m stuck here and I don’t know how to finally press go on my romantic life. I don’t know if there’s something deeper going on or anything, I just have no idea. Does anyone else feel similarly at all or have any advice?
If you read all the way, thank you sm I know this is quite long, I honestly don’t know how to shorten it
9 comments
No judgement, but physically/mentally are you a “catch”.
I was in a similar boat as a man, anxious, started disliking the opposite gender, and put myself in a dark place mentally, and physically.
I stopped smoking weed, and started hitting the gym which gave me a boost in confidence, girls flirted with me, which to be fair I sucked at reciprocating, but things changed.
I began reading books to strengthen my mind as well, Jordan peterson being a massive help to me.
You’re only going to be stuck living your life like that if you allow it. All that anxiety and other stuff will go away to an extent if you change yourself somehow.
Beat of luck.
I’m a dude but I get where you’re coming from. I have anxiety about this sort of thing and am completely clueless as to how to develop relationships with women; I only know how to make small talk but my mind ends up at a dead end. I’ve noticed multiple red flags in myself in the past couple of years and have become very disheartened at the thought of it. My only solution for myself at this point is to move far away from home and basically reinvent myself without any historical baggage accompanying me. I wish I could offer you some sage wisdom that’ll fix all your troubles but all I got is some empathy lol.
If you want I’m willing to make a deal; I teach you how to talk to guys and spark there interest in you and you teach me how prevent my brain from reaching a dead end, lmao.
In all seriousness, it might be useful to have someone you trust enough to “practice” how you’d communicate with a guy, and how to notice your red flags and deal with them appropriately. Perhaps therapy might be of service here? Good luck to you loving forward, and I hope you find what you’re looking for!
It seems therapy may be needed, especially over your worries that you highlight about touch and intimacy. Touching your partner and having sex is normal and one of the best aspects. Yes, guys can be manipulative but I think you have a poor stereotype in your head that makes it seem not really how it actually is. So to me something deeper seems to be the issue here. But obviously not everyone can have therapy, so all I can recommend is trying to just aknowledge things which it seems you are doing which is good
You’re focusing a lot on the end result while what you should be focusing on is the process, and that process is a very very extremely long self-discovery journey that starts with you and you only and ends (kinda) when you are with someone seriously.
The best advice that can be given to anyone who wants to be successful in dating is to first become comfortable in their own skins. I’m not assuming that you have self-esteem issues, not at all, but it seems to me that you think being in a relationship is very important and you desperately need this or otherwise you’re weird and you life is not good.
I can tell you that life is much more than seeing guys, hooking up with them or being in relationships with them. You really need to start finding things that help you feel genuinely happy and good about yourself. Just like the other Redditor said, hit the gym, est healthy, travel around, buy that instrument, play that game, do that activity, seriously, anything that helps you discover s tiny bit more about yourself. Live your life and stop worrying about guys and relationships.
When you finally reach a point of “I’m happy with who I am and whether or not I have s romantic partner in my life does not matter because I still derive joy from things I do and enjoy”. When you finally reach that point, guys will start popping up in your life left and right and you’ll be in a much better place as to show who you really are and not be afraid of it.
Then when you start dating, and I’m sure you will, you’ll start discovering things about yourself and you’ll grow even more.
I mean the discussion is very lengthy, but long story short, forget about relationships, live your life, take it day by day, enjoy it for what it is, and when things happen then they happen.
You aren’t alone in your feeling. Many people struggle with forming relationships. I was 20 when I started my first real relationship. And after it ended I didn’t find someone I connected with again for years. I would say you kinda need to start with two things. One making male friends, so you can get to really know what men are like. TV shows extremes very well but not the regular. So don’t let it form you too much. And then find a guy you trust. As you make male friends you may find one you trust that likes you. He would be an excellent candidate to show you what a good relationship can be like.
Maybe you’re just butfuck ugly
Hello from the other side. I legit have similar issue. 22M, never really dated anybody. I did asked somebody at some point, she said yes and I had to leave the region so I said sorry the following week. I think I am the type of guy that most girl are looking for except the fitness part, but getting there. If I get to a point where my fitness is on point, I don’t see any reasons to not be successful.
My main issue is really to go ask people out. If I can pass that, I think I have all the attributes required. Smart, kind, open, honest, well schooled, decent job, romantic …. I’m also still a virgin and most girl told me it’s not an issue. Some even offered me to solve the issue, but not really looking for those girls. I want a girl just like Paige in young Sheldon. I sometime feel like Sheldon lol.
If you truly believe in equality between men and women, put it into practice and make the first move. Give yourself a chance to discover what you really want of a relationship.
I didn’t get a chance to read all the comments but here’s what I’ll say based on the OP.
Guys are stupid (38m here). We don’t usually pick up on signals and most of the time, don’t say the right thing. We’re good guys, family oriented, great with animals etc but suck with women. If you like a guy, he makes you smile and doesn’t set off alarms, ask him out for pizza. Get to know him, ask questions. You aren’t talking marriage, just getting to know him and he you.
Be confident in yourself and focus less on the little issues.
Hell, I’d settle for a hug and someone to eat with/talk to when I get home. Most men aren’t all that picky, we’re just tired.
Good luck and I hope you find someone to make you happy.
P.S. find a good wing mate/guy friend. They’re worth their weight in gold.