There’s this girl I have been dating.She’s really beautiful. Like the most beautiful girl I have ever been with. But she has some problems. From the first time we started talking with each other, she proposed we should just date exclusively.I had no problem with that.But after going at a couple of dates, she started demanding more.1.I should cut contact with all my female friends,even classmates and students I mentor.I can only keep contact with my family.2.I have to give her access to all my accounts.She would do the same.And lastly,I should keep my location on all the times.So we can check each others locations.
I asked her the reason for all this rules.She replied that her ex boyfriend was a chronic chronic cheater who used to have sex with all his female friends and associates.Calling them all side bit*hes and proposing for a polyamory relationship when he got caught.Then I asked about if she have any guy friends she said she doesn’t believe in opposite sex friends.
Should I just let this go?I mean yes she has some problems and should get help but She’s gorgeous,funny and very honest and intelligent.Also very direct too.We really mesh well together.I believe I am going to miss her a lot and blame myself if I let her go.And I am very willing to help her overcome her past trauma while being with her.
43 comments
Ok, so I’m ignoring everything else here, except one comment
“She doesn’t believe in opposite sex friends” that wouldn’t mean women you mentor would be excluded as they’re not friends, they’re mentees, ditto with classmates etc
So have her explain this logic please
Lol cut her loose, tell her you’re not paying for another man’s mistakes and she needs to go resolve her trust issues. Having trust issues is fairly understandable but you manage those whilst single. Asking someone you’ve just started dating to cut off every member of the opposite sex is ridiculous, and you’d be naive to think it ends there. Run
Is her beauty worth the ugly inside? I mean seriously, are you so proud to have a beautiful girl on your arm and in your bed that you let her nasty controlling behaviour rule your life.
It won’t stop there. It will be you’re not allowed to talk to any women when you’re out. Then if your eyes so much as slide over even a 50 year old woman when you’re with her she’ll accuse you of cheating.
She has some serious mental health issues that are making her behave like this.
How do you think you’re going to deal with being put in a project team or a shift pattern with women when you start work? Do you think your future bosses are going to understand when you say “sorry boss but I’m not allowed to be near any girls. My gf wont let me”? Or do you think you’ll be ridiculed? I know what the answer is.
She is punishing you for her exes behaviour. This is toxic and ridiculous.
* she has trust issues that aren’t your fault
* do not date someone that will make you pay for others mistakes
* you CANNOT be happy in a relationship if you cannot be happy on your own (this applies to your partner
* hot women DO NOT equal HOT SEX
* it’s better to have a good (well adjusted–mentally/emotionally) woman by your side than a hot chick to show off
I did this and when the relationship was over she still had her friends while I was alone
First thing, she’s trying to isolate you, and she’s demanding that you give her the right to violate your privacy. Those two things are textbook characteristics of an abusive relationship. Even if she’s willing to do these things mutually, she’s still asking for control over you. Do you really want to give her that control?
Second, you can’t help her. She doesn’t trust you; how can there be healing or growth without trust? Even if you meet her demands there’s no guarantee that she will trust you any more than she does right now. In fact, I suspect that her “rules” won’t really do anything to help her paranoia. She’s clearly very damaged and it’s a deep issue that has nothing to do with you or your actions.
Do you want to be in a relationship where you are constantly tested, accused, and blamed? Do you want to fall deeper into an infatuation with someone who you have to walk on eggshells around? If so, I guess continue. But I really think you’re risking your peace and mental health here!
Is this the girl you have been only dating for 8 days?
Move on, please just move on. I went there with my ex-girlfriend and the relationship went bad, real bad.
Obviously not intelligent enough to figure that not all men are cheaters and you are not her ex.
Honestly she seems more trouble than not. She needs to get therapy to get over her trauma. This will not end well for you as her need to control you will wind tighter and tighter until you leave this relationship.
Cut contact with the woman your dating. Theres something seriously wrong with her if shes making demands like these, especially when you haven’t been dating for very long.
While I kinda agree with the men and women being friends in most cases because many times people got put in the friend zone and became friends. BUT this ain’t that. Ur mentor people. That’s not a friend. Like demand she can have male coworkers… lol
If she is the most attractive woman you have ever been with, you might regret it if you don’t play along at least for a while. A commitment isn’t *a* *commitment.* You don’t have to marry her.
You can hope that she will eventually overcome her extreme trust issues, or you can be with her for as long as you’re enjoying her company before these trust and control issues become too much to bear.
For better or worse, most relationships lead to a breakup anyway within three years. Seeing this relationship as potentially moribund from the very start isn’t that bad. Like a vacation through Europe, you can just resolve yourself to enjoy it while it lasts.
My first gf did this when I was 17.
Bad idea. This is controlling behaviour.
Not worth it. Just cut it and move on. Any potential partner you date will never put these ‘rules’ on you.
When guys do this he is called an abuser.
do it. ignore these red flags and help her with her trauma and then see what happens, lol. it’s funny, almost as if her looks, humor, honesty and intelligence makes up for the storm of shit that’s gonna come upon you. i hope you have an umbrella 😉
You are willing to help her overcome her past trauma, but is she? If she doesn’t see a problem with her current views (like doesn’t believe in having friends of the opposite sex) there’s nothing you can do about it.
Also don’t be with her to change her. She’s being upfront about what she needs in a relationship (for whatever reason), you need to return the favour.
This is only the beginning. U think these are the only rules that will only end up applying to you? If she wants to work on herself she can start by trusting you at least a little but it seems like that’s out the door from day one. If it were me it would be over before she finished the first sentence. Oh, but she’s attractive? Then by all means give up everything in your life and be alone when she dumps you. Can that ever be a good reason to justify crazy?
Why do you accept her “rules”? Did you give her rules?
Controlling your friends and communications is textbook start of an abusive relationship. The first thing you mentioned is her being “beautiful”. Then the first quality you listed is “gorgeous”. Beauty won’t make you happy, but it does seem to be blinding you. This person is clearly not thinking about your happiness. I could bet she will soon be telling you that you should be happy to be with such a beautiful girl and shut up, or…
No offense but she’s trying to manipulate you. And you’ve only been together 8 days? That’s wild. Believe my experience, the people who accuse others of cheating are those who cheat.
What you have to do is refuse to obey her. Change the passwords on your accounts. Don’t share your location. Have boundaries and *enforce* them. Then see how mad she gets when you say no to her. That will tell you exactly what you need to know. She might try to guilt you too, and have a “breakdown”, accusing you of not taking her trauma into account or whatever. Don’t fall for it. She’s using you.
Edit: you say you’re willing to help her overcome trauma. If this her idea? Because someone using you as a therapist is a big red flag. You don’t even know if the story of the ex-bf is any true.
Edit: some people made me aware that enforcing boundaries and watching if she gets mad is not a good idea as it might be dangerous. They’re probably right and you should probably dump her directly. I thought my post made clear that it was the thing you should do just before dumping her, but it seems it wasn’t clear, and not really necessary. However you still need to change your passwords.
First of all everything you read here is an opinion or advice the last choice is yours.
I would say if you like her and she is as intelligent as you say, talk it out with her, reason with her, communicate.
Explain to her you have known these people a whole long before you knew here, some of these people have helped you in many times and with would be unfair and wrong to just cut ties with them. Instead promise to make up some boundries and something me and my partner did, cut ties with the ones you are not really spending any time or haven’t talked in a long while and sorts, if they haven’t even said hi in a very long time no reason to to have them in your life and believe it or not it actually feels a lot better when you let go of some extra people in your life.
As for your accounts i would say that’s a no because its something private and that even if you do it now after sometime you are going to feel kind of annoyed and it would just make you distant with her.
As for your location its your choice i have never encountered this, but you can tell her to give some time and things in a normal way, which you are to spend this time being as honest as a 4 year old with an obese person.
Lastly what i am saying is that don’t just say no and get out and don’t say yes and cut ties with people as you never know if she is going to be around or not.
Talk with each other and find a way you can both agree on. And both of you need to understand that the other has had different experiences and need to unserstand eachother.
Does she have guy friends? Either way it’s a no for me
Pretty sure if genders were flipped, everyone would call the guy abusive
Yep! Be thankful she gave you such a massive, obvious and unignorable red flag so early on in the relationship.
Girl, BYE.
Oof such a red flag. Run fast run far. One of my exes was the same way. If I so much as liked a photo on Facebook of a female friend she would get all jealous. And that jealously only gets worse and more and more toxic.
Let go of her? Absolutely
I would not give her access to your accounts. You have to set reasonable boundaries and have your own privacy.
Id let her go, let her know that its not a reasonable request and leave it at that. If she can come down off that ledge, maybe you can make it work…but its up to her.
This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.
Is her beauty worth your mental health?
I would not.
I have more respect for myself and my autonomy as a human being, and for my friends, than to abandon all my *decades* of relationships with these people for the benefit of some chick I’ve known for twenty minutes.
Also, I’m not a criminal, nor a convict. I don’t consent to being treated nor tracked like one. Sorry you got the rough end of things in the past, lady. But I didn’t do it to you, and your inability to understand that is *so very much* not my problem.
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But that’s *ME*. Sounds like you’re well on your way to doing the other thing. So like… bon voyage, buddy? Was nice knowing you.
i wouldnt mind dropping female “friends” since i dont really have any and like her dont believe in opposite sex friends. but acquanitances? how can i drop them? also the gps thing would be a bit much but i would let her look at my phone since i have nothing to hide.
Well since you are not her ex you shouldn’t suffer due to his issues. A simple no I will not get rid of my friends or mentors will be fine and if she can not build trust with you that’s a issue she needs to take up with a professional.
Red flag, she sounds like she has some serious insecurity issues that may not be attributed to you.
be careful who and what you allow into your world.
Cut and run, she can be someone else’s abusive controlling ex girlfriend
Lol nah bro don’t be stupid
Move on dude. She needs to work on herself before she even thinks about adding another relationship into that. If you really like her it will be worth the wait.
The way I see things, you are not wrong for trying to help her (therapy), but you will not succeed. She has to want help, and she clearly doesn’t want to have anything with it. If you think you will be able to change her mind, don’t worry, you will not.
Let me pant you a picture of how your future with this woman will look like.
You will have to drop all your female friends, and there will be no wiggle room here, your girlfriend will HAVE to be the only woman in your life, or she will be insecure, and fight with you often.
She will question you every time you go out with friends, were there any women there, did you flirt with any woman, was the waitress pretty, and so on, until eventually the idea of going out with friend will be off the table or she will be insecure. She will question you about women at work, and you will be at fault no matter what; just imagine working on a project with another woman, something you cannot control, that will not be a good situation for you.
Eventually you will end up going to work and coming straight back home, and even then be questioned about your whereabouts your messaging behavior will be scrutinized and checked and double checked, you will have no intimacy with this woman, no privacy, God forbid you ever receive a text message from another woman, even to ask you about the weather, and you will be instantly accused of cheating.
You will be isolated from your family and relatives, god forbid you have an attractive cousin of niece, or something like that so being isolated from your family is a given. She will not get along with your mom, sisters, female relatives in general
This will all be a progression, not everything is going to happen at nice. But this particular lady works fast. In 1 week she is already doing a lot of work on you, and she seems successful to a certain degree, since you are here debating this matter, giving water to this insane idea.
But, and let me stress this enough, these rules will only apply to you.
Sure, she tells you she already dropped her male friends. That is a lie.
She will continue talking with her male friends, go out with them, do everything in the book she wrote for you.
The moment you will question her on this, you will be called controlling, abusive, she will start crying that you don’t trust her, and slowly but surely, she will turn this around on you.
You don’t trust her because you are not trustworthy, you did something, are you cheating on her? It will be a subtle turn, but there nonetheless, and you will question your reality.
How do I know this? You are not a unique special case, and neither is she. This happened before, and will happen again. It is a story that comes around here often times, each time with different characters, and different names, but it always is the same. Swap the genders sometimes, and the story remains the same.
Oh, and your sex life will suck, if it doesn’t already. She is probably sleeping with you now, but sex will be used as currency, the more you resist, the less sex you will have. And at some point, when you give in, and take her crazy pills, you will find yourself in a sexless relationship anyway. There will always be something that upsets her, you will always be in the wrong, and crack eggshells with every step you take.
She’re probably end up cheating on you with one of her many male friends because in her mind you’re no longer attractive because you don’t stand up for yourself
You have so many problems, you are drowning in them.
Good luck to you. Don’t take the crazy pills.
DO NOT CUT YOUR CONTACTS WITH ANYONE. Now sorry about the loud text, but trust me, I’ve been there. And guess what? That person left, leaving me just alone. It is ONLY your choice whom you want to be with or keep in contacts.
Imo she needs to Get therapy before she starts dating again. This is extremely controlling and unhealthy
Look
A part of me does sympathize with her to have gone through that stuff. That being said , her trauma is her responsibility in this case. What she is doing is just not justified based on what she has been through. Sit her down , explain. If she isn’t ready to listen , you’ll need to let go .
In this situation, I can only see one female with whom you should cut contact.
I can tell you from experience that no matter what, she will always not fully trust you and she will still think you’re cheating when you are not. She needs to let go and realise that you are not her ex but in her mind all guys cheat. My ex broke up with me because she was not okay with my best friend being a female to the point she went back to her ex that cheated on her with his female best friend, I don’t know how that works but it happened.
Women don’t respect men who jump through their hoops to please them. Women don’t love men they don’t respect.
Relationships are about giving and voluntary, mutual effort to meet the other’s needs. They are not about following rules and obedience. They are not about sacrificing your own happiness for the other’s.
Don’t live by her rules. This is very clearly going to be a temporary relationship. Enjoy the ride. When your turn is over, bow out gracefully and let the next guy have his turn. Move on to emotionally healthy women who will make your life better, not harder. But, obeying her rules will make the ride very short— she’ll lose attraction for you quickly. Maintain your own frame. Don’t live within hers.
This is a massive red flag.
People who seek to isolate their SOs from their family and friends are almost definitely abusers. Once you’ve lost your friends, you will be that much less capable of recognizing and escaping the abusive situation.
Her strategy is also absurd. Her boyfriend cheated because he was an unfaithful dishonest asshole and he wasn’t satisfied in his relationship. The solution to this problem is not to remove all people he could possibly be attracted to from the world – it’s for him to work on himself and for both to work on the relationship. The fact she doesn’t recognize this means she’s not ready for a relationship.
I don’t care how amazing she is in other ways man. This relationship will be hell. You don’t want this.
None of that behaviour is ok, I get she went out with a cheater. But controlling you is not the way to ensure you don’t cheat. I personally would not be ok with that relationship. What would you tell a friend or family member if their partner was acting like that?