TL;DR
My Bf (27M) stopped sleeping with his friend Emily(25F) after both decided to date other people months before he met me. Emily invited him to a group hangout at a bar but didn’t want me there due to what I wore and the little PDA she saw between my bf and I. She went almost 2 years without a single complaint about these topics. Then said I can’t join because it was a guys night. My boyfriend didn’t want to go without me. We tried to go no contact with her but she came back and is only apologizing because he won’t talk to her. We did want to break off the friendship over text but Katie (his roommate’s gf) insists we do this in person since “it’s the right thing to do as adults”. (She’s very naive but with a good heart) I don’t want to but she keeps insisting. How should I him and approach this peacefully despite having the intention of ending the friendship ?
The story:
I (27 F) want to say for the record that I am not against my boyfriend (27m) having female friends. And I did for a while get along with his female friend Emily(25F) and disregarded their past together because I trust him.
Emily and my boyfriend used to hook up and sleep together. This lasted less than a month and happen 6 months before he met me. They stopped when Emily began dating his close friend. I aknowledge that this was in the past and don’t think too much into it because my boyfriend hasn’t shown interest in her since and is head over heels in love with me.
Emily knows that I live an hour away from my bf. So I have an arrangement where I stay with him every weekend and holiday. My boyfriend and I had this arrangement for nearly 2 yrs. This arrangement is well known to all his friends.
One day, Emily decides to invite my bf to a group hangout at a bar. He invited me to join him. But as soon as he mentioned bringing me along to her, she sounded upset. Apparently she wanted only HIM to go and wanted me to STAY behind in his apartment.
My Bf asked Emily why I couldn’t join. She then stated that I dress too provocatively and that I show too much PDA. Emily has a problem with what I wear despite her and I sharing the same sense of style.
The PDA Emily mentioned happen to be things that she witnessed in my bf’s apartment and not in a public space. It was things like me sitting on his lap because there was no other space for me to sit. Or him & I wrapped in a blanket cuddling together on the couch, holding hands and exchanging pecks on the cheek. I never publicly made out with him. In public settings him and I would hold hands, hug, give brief pecks or simply hold each other.
His response to the Pda was that we are both very affecionate people and he admits to initiating the pda just as much as I do. He was a bit confused on why she hasn’t said a word about it for so long. Expecially since no one else had a problem with it before.
She then goes off on how the hangout was meant to be a guys night at the bar and she didn’t feel comfortable having me there. My boyfriend then told her that wherever he goes, I go and if I wasn’t invited then he wasn’t going.
Emily then hesitated for a moment but relented. She told my boyfriend that if I was going I needed to cover up and show no PDA towards him.
We later find out via a phone call that she and her boyfriend broke up an hour after she made those demands. She then wanted to speak to my boyfriend in private.
When their conversation ended, I spoke with my boyfriend about the situation and how I felt something may be off with her.
He admits that she is acting stranger than usual and even he finds her actions suspicious.
Eventually him and I decided to limit our contact with her because it seemed like she was having some personal issues. My boyfriend found her behavior alarming because it came out of practically no where.
A week into no contact she did go off on his roommate/ bestfriend for accidentally unfriending her. He did apologize and explained the situation to her but she wasn’t having it. Now the roommate also doesn’t want her in the apartment.
We were no contact with her until she tried setting up a surprise hangout at his apartment saying his roommate said it was ok.
The only thing on both of our minds was “Is she crazy?”followed by “Is she actually serious? “. We then asked his roommate about it. According to him she mentioned wanting to hang out but he never approved of it. This is setting off red flags for me.
She kept asking my boyfriend on when they can hangout. And he kept showing me the messages where she insisted on coming over. When she saw a lack of response on his end she asked if he was ok and if they were cool.
My boyfriend didn’t know how to respond and for a while it weighted on him because he knew that she hurt me and she only brought headaches and unnecessary drama every time she entered his life.
Eventually he decided to tell her that she should be asking me that. Especially if she wants to speak to him.
She then messaged me and sounded pretty annoyed because she had no idea why I wouldn’t be ok with her and just wanted to keep talking to my boyfriend. So I asked her if she remembered what she said to my boyfriend on the last phone call which was on speaker.
That’s when it hit her on what I was talking about so she messaged my boyfriend her excuse then copy pasted it and sent the same message to me.
It was long but to summarize: She was joking and assumed we caught on to it being a joke. She didn’t know why I would be so offended by it. She then said her ex boyfriend made her say that because he didn’t want me around due to what I wore and how I displayed my affection to my boyfriend. Then goes off that she didn’t mean it and how so very sorry she was. How she will never do it again but understands if we wouldn’t want to be her friends anymore but wants us to give her a chance.
I didn’t buy a single word of that apology because I knew that she wasn’t truly sorry for what she said. She showed no remorse or amy sign of guilt before messaging my boyfriend. She brushed the whole situation aside until she realized it had the potential of making her lose my boyfriend as her friend.
My boyfriend and I decided to tell his roommate and his roommate’s gf about the current situation.( Lets call the roommate’s gf Katie and the roommate Brandon). Katie thought Emily wanted to hang out to apologize for her behavior and may have truly been sorry. Katie believes in the good in people. She has a good heart but can be very naive when it comes to people. Brandon is her opposite. He liked remaining neutral but is usually skeptical about people.
I tried explaining to Katie that based on these interactions I don’t think Emily was sorry because she didn’t bother apologizing until I brought it up. Katie then interjected by saying that we shouldn’t have this conversation in text but rather in person like adults.
I tried explaining her that these messages already tell me what I need to know but she insists that I talk it out in person because it’s the right thing to do. Katie also didn’t think Emily could have lingering feelings for my boyfriend because it’s been so long so she had to move on.
I don’t want to be the jealous gf here but this Emily is a walking red flag to me. My bf does have female friends and I am ok with them. I am even ok with him befriending his exes. I am actually friends with his exes.
To give Katie some peace in mind after her insistence on it, I suggested that my boyfriend and I meet Emily for tea to talk but at the moment I just want to end the friendship. My boyfriend is in agreement with me but I am hesitant. I don’t have a good feeling about this. I don’t know how to go about this either all things considering. Am I being paranoid here? How should I approach this situation?
16 comments
Do what is best for you. Ignore Katie
You don’t need to do this in person. He needs to text her that her behavior towards you is unacceptable and thus he is ending the friendship. Breakups are best done in person but ending friendships? No reason to meet up for that. Don’t let Katie dictate how this is going to go, it’s not her life and it’s not her relationship.
I didn’t even finish this. This girl wants your man so bad it’s not even funny. She doesn’t want to see the pda because she’s jealous. You said you guys have the same sense of style but now she’s saying you dress provocatively? That means she feels like you look wayyy better than her. This girl is so jealous of you she can’t stand her self. If Emily is gonna keep being around then keep doin what your doin but now do it even better, I hate girls like her. If you and bf do meet her to talk things out, show up lookin like a queen an look so unbothered
Thank Katie for her input and do what’s best for you and your man. You are way more level headed than alot of people tho I tell you that! Home girl sounds like she’s not wrapped too tight.
There’s nothing to “talk out” here. Your BF needs to tell her in no uncertain terms that her advances toward him are unwelcome and he won’t be talking to her anymore. Then he needs to tell all your friends the situation and that he does not want to be involved with her.
Why is this so hard for everyone to realize?
She likes your bf. Always has.
She’s not his friend.
Emily sounds a tad unhinged and also wants your bf bad. Just have your bf text her bye bye and both of you and the roommate need to block her. Tell Katie you are not obligated to the scene Emily is sure to create face to face and you would appreciate her leaving this problem alone.
She was not joking 💀 She still likes your boyfriend. You don’t need to talk anything out in person, ain’t nothing else to say
Katie sounds like a doormat
>We tried to go no contact with her but she came back and is only apologizing because he won’t talk to her. We did want to break off the friendship over text but Katie (his roommate’s gf) insists we do this in person
Going no contact means you don’t communicate. Block her or filter her emails so you don’t see them. And Katie can mind her own business. Why are you all bending over backwards to “give Katie some peace of mind”? This is not her circus and not her monkeys.
Why are y’all letting Katie make this decision for you? If you don’t want to meet up and discuss with that woman that CLEARLY wants your man then DON’T. Katie can have her opinions but that does not make doing what she wants an obligation. You know what you know about Emily.
You and BF confront Emily and end the “friendship” Both of you block her and tell Katie Emily is no longer either of yours friend.
You don’t need to do what Katie tells you to do, she sounds naive. I think it’s fine to text her and block her.
You know what my take away is here? Your bf is a coward and only kinda maybe has your back. It is his job to manage his friends. When Emily was horrible to you/about you, it was his job to stick up for you and say something to her. Instead, he passed her off to you.
This is none of Katie’s business. No, you don’t owe Emily the chance to hash this out irl. Again, it’s up to your bf to manage his relationships. If he wants to end the friendship, he needs to grow up and communicate this. If he doesn’t want to end the friendship, he needs to do a better job of communicating to Emily that it’s not ok to treat or talk about you as she has in the past and doing so in the future will have negative consequences. He should also make it very clear to her that he only sees her as a friend and has no interest in changing that.
Lord. Katie is sweet, but that’s no excuse to be dense. She can’t read people to save her life. It’s like, she won’t believe Emily is trying to break up your relationship until she walks in on your bf and Emily together or gets it in writing. For her sake, I hope she’s never in your position, because when it comes to this stuff, shes not exactly quick on the draw.
In short, you don’t owe Emily anything. Not even an in-person meeting. Text her that the relationship and contact is over and block her. You do not need to listen to Katie just because she’s a nice person. Emily is not worth this effort whatsoever.
I’ve read this before. Where else have you posted it? AITA maybe?