Me (M26) about to throw my 3 year and first long term (living with each other for 6 months) relationship down the drain. She (F26) adores me and I also care for her greatly. Since living together I feel we have drifted and realised we don’t have much in common, we have also stopped having sex which she puts down to being on the pill and work stress.
My future with her would be great, but I feel like I’m wasting the best years of my life, I’m 26 and every night I’m inside watching TV, going to bed at 10pm and not having sex. I raised these issues with her a few weeks ago and it upset her deeply, since then we have both been trying to make things better but it just feels so weird now. We’re now spending some time apart, but I just feel like it’s going to be too hard to repair things, I have no urge to have sex with her anymore.
Would apprciate advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation to this.
5 comments
You don’t have much in common, you’ve lost intimacy, and you don’t seem to be in love with her. That’s a good collection of reasons to move on.
If you feel you *are* in love with her, then imo try couple’s therapy. It will take a ton of work to get back to a loving, intimate, healthy relationship…and that’s something therapy can facilitate. It’s way more effective than doing it on your own.
But if you aren’t in love with her, and it sure sounds like you aren’t, then dragging it out will be a lot more total pain for both of you. Maybe dragging it out will help you both process it better? I dunno. But I doubt it.
I had a similar situation at your age, and we split and got back together three or four times over a three year span, before we both realized it wasn’t worth it. I’m not saying that’s what will happen to you if you stay, it’s just my experience in your shoes.
It’s pretty normal to go through these phases. But no one can really tell you what to do. You know your relationship better than anyone. If the communication isn’t there or if you’re unable to be comfortable with each other and work towards a common goal, then maybe you have just grown apart and need to move on. It happens.
Imagine you are single: what would you be doing? Right now, on weeknights and weekends. Apart from dating, what is she stopping you from doing?
I’m not saying you have to stay, but try to see how your life would change after the breakup. There might be some things you can do now to take the pressure of “satisfying” you off your gf/the relationship. Best-case scenario, you bringing your own positivity will ease her anxiety. Worst-case, you’re not compatible with her but you know how you want to live and are excited for your future.
Lastly, please consider if it may (MAY!) not be your gf. You could end up in another relationship with this same problem by following the same behaviors.
Hey man. I read your post and was like holy shit this is so similar to my situation. Like exactly bro.
Been with my partner for like 2 years now, I love her so much. I love who she is you know, like the personality she has is something I want in my life. But, I also feel like I am wasting the ‘best years’ of my life. I’m 25 and my partner also has only been living with me for a few months now (and we are ALSO on a break now too!) and I started having these incredibly strong thoughts of feeling trapped and that this relationship is draining the magic and the electricity of being single and just having no commitments. I started building resentment towards her for making me be in the relationship (pretty awful right?) It’s honestly fucking terrible because I love my girlfriend. I ALSO see my future with her as amazing; you can just make sense of it sometimes – our personalities perfectly combine and I just love who she is. But I’m sure a million people will say that I don’t because of the way I am talking about the relationship. So yeah – it’s confusing and disorienting.
I’ve been on a break with my partner now for like almost a month; we are talking about on the 20th. I began the break feeling like I want to break up with her, maybe because it was so close to going through a Shit time with her, but now I’ve spent some time alone and time (pretending to be single, going out, socialising more often and with more people) I realise there is definitely something missing from me that I honestly really long for; so hopefully if I feel like that enough then I’m just going to listen to my heart and try again with her; but with some major changes like not living together. Distance is healthy.
Thoughts with you my man. This sucks 🙁
I don’t think a breakup is throwing anything down the drain, sometimes relationships just end and that doesn’t mean anything was wasted. You still had those experiences together.
However, as someone that ended up marrying someone they broke up with before they tied the knot, please consider that being in a relationship in your twenties is not wasting time either. Building a valuable relationship as you grow together can be totally worth it. So if you’re still in love check to see if you’re not just breaking up because you’re temporarily bored. Don’t stay if you’re genuinely unhappy but also maybe don’t throw in the towel for a fixable issue.
Learning what it takes to be in a long-term relationship is a process and part of it is that it’s not super exciting 100% of the time. If you’re genuinely not ready for that that’s valid as well. But it’s something to consider.