My (22f) boyfriend (26m) said he wants us to just be friends?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months now. Our relationship kinda started really fast. Like, he moved back to our hometown and we immediately started dating after talking online for a month. He even introduced me to all his family.
I really admire him. He’s so intelligent and so handsome… but after we had sex, my first time having sex, he just became really distant.
I’m a person who is mindful about the other person’s space. I’ll give him space, but I’ll text him “good mornings” or “memes” throughout the day. He’ll respond hours after receiving my messages.
Then He’ll start calling or texting me around 7 or 8 pm so I can come over to his apartment… it involved sex, but not all the time. That’s why I’m so confused.
I never ask for much, but I do want some effort in the relationship. I put in a good bit. I helped him move into his apartment when his family turned him down for help.
I washed his clothes when he was still investing for a washer and dryer, so he had time to study for is enterance exam for his master’s. I even helped him change his great grandmother… when he was stress, I tried to comfort him as much as I could.
He helps his family A LOT. So I try to make sure that he feels appreciated because they over use him to the point he’s tired.
But when I lost my classes due to financial reasons, it really put me in a bad place. I wasn’t cheery as I used to be. Along with that, I started to have problems with my family. He didn’t comfort me or checked up on me. He just said his door was open if I needed a place to take a break from my family. When I explained how sad I was he just said that’s life. I’ll get it together.
That’s when the “over communication ” started. I would ask him why he didn’t comfort me or why he never checked up on me. I always did those things. He stopped taking me on dates. I still tried to take him on dates. He stood me up one time at a big formal event that he paid for us to go… he said he was helping at his cousins bday party. He even stopped going to the gym with me.
And when we communicate our feelings, it’s never face to face… it’s over text. And I hate that… because it makes me express too much! I get angry and just heartbroken. Because there’s been times he takes days when he responds!
Yesterday, at work, I asked him what we were over text… I was at drill so I couldn’t see him. He said we’re just friends, but he still has interest. We talked last night and he said he’ll be a great friend with boundaries and we’ll go out and do stuff… but that’s what the things I “over- communicated” about when we were in a relationship… I feel betrayed. I feel sick. Because I was demoted… like, I asked for your attention when we were together. Now you friend zoned me with the exact incentives.
I took my time out everyday to make him one of my priorities. I didn’t have to see him everyday… I just want to check in everyday…
I’m not the cheery girl that I was in the beginning of the relationship, because I felt he took one thing from me (virginity) and deemed me worthless… my self esteem dropped.
And the reason he said we should be friends was because he just got out of a relationship last December where his ex was doing so much to the point he had to kick her out the house. She lived with him for a year.
But I’m not her… he hit me up first, he initiated sex first… and now he demotes me because I over communicate my wants and boundaries…
What should I do? Like I understood that we jumped into a relationship too fast… he’s a good guy, but it hurts how he doesn’t make me a prioty…
He’s a good person… but I feel used…
Should we restart as friends and see if our relationship gets better?
Or just call it quits all together?
TLDR; My boyfriend demotes me to “friend “. Should I give it a chance? Any advice is helpful!
17 comments
No you should not give him a “chance.” A chance to what? Go back in time and not break up with you?
Call it a quits. Why would you hang on for the unfulfilling scraps?
He broke up with you. If you decide to be friends you need to go into it with no expectations for the relationship to ever be anything but friendship. And you should give yourself some months of no contact before trying for a friendship. It sounds more like you were his rebound and he’s over it now and wants to actually process the end of his last relationship, so you feeling used seems like a very valid emotion
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I’ll tell you what happened the way I see it.
You both met and started dating. You gave him your virginity. This is probably your first relationship and therefore had a lot of expectations. He didn’t. He went out with you and probably likes you but not enough to be in a long-term relationship. He most likely felt pressured by you since you both had different expectations.
He most likely didn’t know how to break it to you knowing that he didn’t have that much of stronger feelings for you. I don’t think you have too. This your first relationship probably and you expected it to be something that it’s not.
Throughout your post, I can see it clear as day that he wasn’t that interested. He liked you. That is evident. But not as much as you liked him.
Next time, when a guy doesn’t respond to your text after hours and shows lack of interest by standing you up or showing a lack of expressing his feelings or communicating things with you then I’d see that as a red flag and end the relationship.
You could see that you weren’t his priority from the very beginning. Therefore, he shouldn’t have been yours.
Expectations are sometimes dangerous in a newly developed relationship. You expect things from your partner, and you when don’t get what you want. You feel hurt, disappointed, and used also.
The second he told he wanted to be only friends and to go out with no strings. That should have been the moment you closed the door on him and moved on. I am not sure why you are still chasing after someone who does not want a relationship with you.
One last thing, do not take his rejection of you too personally. It’s hard not to. It is personal. Just remember that him not wanting a relationship probably doesn’t have anything to do with you. Most thing in life are not personal. Rejections are not a reflection of what kind of person we are. It’s a reflection of the other person. He most likely had a lot pressure in his life, fear of commitment, not being able to fully be into you due to past experiences or feeling like he was pushed into something too soon.
Just end this and next time, walk away and do not hold on to something when you know it’s not happening the way you want it to.
First, he is NOT a good person. You sound just like me when I had my first boyfriend, and I kept defending him by saying he’s good and I’m just not good enough and I didn’t know how to love the right way. He sounds like a jerk to me tbh. My only advice: Leave him. He wants a FWB not a friend. And even if he just wants a genuine friend, he doesn’t deserve to be your friend
I’d like you to spend some time unpacking the idea that virginity is a tangible *thing* that you can “give” or “take.”
It is not. Penetrative sex is an *experience* you can have, but it does not physically change you. You lose nothing in the act, you don’t come out of it with less inherent worth as a human being, you are as fundamentally changed by it as you would be by your first time driving a car or tasting sushi. Some people *never* do these things, some people do them a *lot*, but nobody has more or less value as a person because of whether or not they’ve ever tasted a California roll. The meaning of these experiences is decided by the person doing the experiencing.
Your ex possesses no more of you than you do of him. You had an experience together, and that’s it. The fact that it was your first experience with a particular activity truly doesn’t mean much. There’s no mark that appears on your forehead that identifies you as Not A Virgin Anymore.
Sounds like he’s looking to date, not to be in a committed relationship. It would have been nice if he was clearer about what he wanted up front and not put this on you, so that makes him seem like kind of a shit. But I would try not to think about this too much and just accept that you want different things/aren’t a good match and move on.
And I definitely wouldn’t stay friends, because that’s just going to be torture on your mental health.
If this is your first real breakup, it gets easier but only if you start trying to learn to let go and move on.
Just because he is a good guy overall and checks off alot of the atypical boyfriend material boxes does not mean compatibility and desire will exist.
It sounds to me like you slightly over invested and learned a hard lesson. Time to back away and focus on yourself more and making yourself happy. Heck, there is a good chance if you do and find a good man in a few months he would be jealous and want you back, but who knows. Despite all that I suppose the real trick is to make sure you always value yourself over someone else until a long and established relationship exists and real love is exchanged.
He now wants strictly a FWB deal. At this own convenience. Don’t be silly and go for it. He is not worth it. He doesn’t seem to want anything serious with anyone and last December proves too with his EX he booted out of his house. Be civil and casual with a “Hey” Here and There. I would not want to be with someone who only wants me for a piece of pie.
Being a boy i will suggest you to don’t get involved in this relationship again even as a friend 😑 because i know how it feels to be ignored and used by your partner for satisfying their body needs 😑 TBH Just move out of this shit 🥹
Congrats! you’re broken up now!
do you want to be friends with your ex? if yes, do it!
if no, let him know you’re not able to handle that right now, and then sever all contact! at least for a while
If you later decide “I wanna be his friend” reach out. if he decides “I wanna try giving a romantic relationship another shot”, he’ll reach out
IMO, it sounds like he was a shitty boyfriend in a way that would make him a not-great friend, but you know more about the situation than me idk im not ur mom
Taking away the romantic and sexual aspects of this, this dude does not sound like a good friend to you. Friendly enough, sure- but good friends are there for each other, which he’s shown you he’s not. You have many gifts to give (virginity not being one of them, the commenter who wrote about it being an experience versus something that can be taken is spot on). Give the gift of your attention to someone who consistently reciprocates.
Sounds like there wasn’t a relationship. I would run and find someone who appreciates you.
So, once he got what he wanted from you, he wants to be “friends”? Grrrl.
Six months and you aren’t his girlfriend? You are a booty call. Drop him like a hot stone and find someone who wants to date you.
He didn’t demote you to friend because you over-communicated. He demoted you to friend because *he’s just not that into you.*
>I felt he took one thing from me (virginity) and deemed me worthless.
If there’s one thing I wish most young women would learn is that you have sex for yourself, not for your partner. Lose your virginity because you no longer want it, not because you’re “giving” it to someone else. Then, if it turns out they’re an asshole, well, they didn’t “take” anything from you – because you had an experience that you wanted to have.
I think this is a safe call-it-quits situation. You’re not going to find what you’re looking for here.