I’m in my first relationship since 3 months and my girlfriend was in a relationship with a guy for 5 years.
It was not a constant 5 years like they broke up twice for short durations.
From her talks my understanding is that their relationship was one full of love but also equally toxic.
I was looking at her gallery and I came across many photos of her and her ex looking very happy. I know that was normal but still I felt very sad and I talked to her about this.
She states that they had some very beautiful times and he was a perfect guy but then it got messed up.
I got more and more insecure about this
She tells me to forget about all this and focus on just our relationship. But I just can’t. I don’t know maybe with time I will. I hope I do. She’s a really great girl.
Any tips to just forget about all this and just look forward
8 comments
Hard to forget when she still has his pictures saved
I’m not sure I understand. Is the issue that she once was happy with her ex? Or is it that she has kept the photos?
If you don’t get over it you will drive her away. Be careful with jealous, because jealousy is never attractive and the more you bring her past up the more likely she ends up leaving you.
I think it’s hard, you have to try to understand that they must have had nice times together and with five years that person will always mean a lot to them. But they are no longer with them and are with you! Try to focus on that. Appreciate that they will always mean something to them but try and be mature and understand that’s life, make even better memories with them instead. On her end I dont know how she has been acting but she should rarely bring up those times with you
Dude it’s not a crime to have happy memories with someone other than you. Especially if he was an abuser! She’s got to have all sorts of complicated feelings about him and their relationship. Let her have those fond memories if she isn’t ready to delete them. Don’t be so overbearingly jealous that your girlfriend can’t 1) have fond memories with past partners, or 2) can’t process and move on and let go in HER own time
5 years is like a 5th or 6th of her life (depending on her age), it’s understandable that she has many good memories of that time she doesn’t want to let go of.
>Any tips to just forget about all this and just look forward
Stop going through her social media. Unfollow her if you have to. You have the real life person to spend time with, why follow her at all?
I can speak from both perspectives here. The relationship I was in before my current relationship was a really good one, until it went downhill due to issues on both sides and ended very painfully. That doesn’t erase the fact that we had really good times together. And I wouldn’t try to erase it or pretend it didn’t happen, because I am who I am now because of it I learned a lot from that relationship, as well as every one before it. But I don’t miss that relationship, and even if I wasn’t with someone else now I wouldn’t be interested in trying that old relationship again.
However, even knowing all that for myself, I have insecurities about my partner and his previous relationships. I worry that he still thinks about his exes. But I really try not to dwell on those thoughts because I know a lot of those feelings come from issues in past relationships with people who still had feelings for their exes. It’s not fair to put those insecurities on someone who has never given me a reason not to trust him. I also can’t force myself to not have those thoughts, but when they come up I remind myself of all the ways he shows me how much I mean to him.
Don’t let your insecurities get in the way of a good relationship. It can become a self fulfilling prophecy to see problems in a relationship, let it affect how you act, and then end up pushing the person away. And if that happens, it gets worse and worse, and harder and harder in future relationships because you’ve created a pattern of mistrust before the relationship even gets going.
As for how to not let it get to you, that’s something you need to look inward on. Personally I’d recommend therapy, because it can be incredibly helpful to get advice from someone unbiased who can help pinpoint why this is bothering you. Once you better understand the root of those thoughts and feelings you can work on communicating it to your partner if needed. This isn’t something that can be resolved by dating someone else, because most people have some kind of romantic history, and if it’s bothering you with this person it’ll bother you with others.
Sadly I was in that boat for 5 years bud, I could not shake it in the slightest. She was very closed and a bundle of red flags so that was probably just because she wasn’t willing to work with me. Talk to your partner about it, the longer you hold it in the worse it’s going to get. If you can’t shake it after a year, move on sadly because it will always dwell at that point