My boyfriend of almost 5 years and I have been talking about getting engaged. I’m going to medical school in the fall and he will be moving for work to the same area in January. We both agreed now would be a good time to take next steps since we will be apart for a few months before moving in together (I don’t want to move in together until we’re at least engaged). He asked my dad for his blessing this weekend, then 6 hours later told me and my family he’s not sure he wants to be engaged. He says he loves me and he wants to be engaged, just not yet. I’ve wanted to be engaged for over 2 years now. I feel so heartbroken and devastated. He says he doesn’t want deadlines (school and moving). We’ve been together for 5 years, I can’t just keep waiting indefinitely. I am so lost. I feel like shit. Just need some words of wisdom.
Also, we have a wedding next month. His friends. He’s a groomsmen. I can’t stomach the though of going and celebrating what his friends are doing that he can’t/refuses to do. I feel sick.
6 comments
It sounds like you two are not on the same page. Have you had this conversation before?
You have to Make the decision of whether you are willing times if longer. These young guys more and more are staying away from marriage. Ask him if there is a reason he doesn’t even want to get engaged?
You two really need to talk this out. Ask the tough questions and that includes ones where you’re scared you may not get desired answers. Check if there’s any unresolved issues that needs to be addressed.
Just cause you been ready 2+ years now. Doesn’t mean he has to be ready. He may need more time or he may never be ready.
I hope you guys can figure what each of you truly want. BEFORE moving in together.
He’s scared to commit. I could understand hesitation if yall were together like a year but 5?
What he said is true, he’s not ready to be engaged, because he’s not ready to get married, because he’s not sure you’re the one. He doesn’t want deadlines? The point of being engaged is the wedding date -*a deadline.*
Now I don’t wanna say he doesn’t love you and wanna be with you. He may just be thinking he wants to wait until he’s more established with a career and a home before he ties the knot.
Whatever he thinks though yall need to tall it put because you’re not on the same page atm.
How old are you guys?
Honestly, this might be controversial advice, but I would advocate for dumping him.
If he needs time, isn’t ready etc. you sticking around is not going to help him figure his stuff out – if anything it gives him a layer of comfort that stops him from growing. See, if you stay every time he says he’s not ready (which you mention in the comments is several times over the last 2 years) then what incentive does he have to become ready? None!
He is taking you for granted because he’s sure that if he marries you or not you will still be there… he doesn’t think that his actions have consequences and he’s not realizing that his actions have a massive impact on you!! The only way to show him that you actually care about marriage is with your ACTIONS. You’ve talked and talked and talked and that hasn’t been enough.
The only way he will decide if he wants marriage or not is if he realises that he can’t have his cake and eat it too… he can’t just keep you as his girlfriend forever.