I’ll try to keep it short: I’m 29f and I have a 7 yo. Mom had me at 19. My parents are both 49 and have an 8 year old and 5 year old. Mom hasn’t said it but I’ve caught her making comments as well as hearing from my dad that she believes she’s too young to be a grandma. She didn’t ask for his school picture but will make sure everyone has one of my siblings. She never says how funny my son is or tells stories about her grandson when other grandmas are. She never asks for my son to come over, she acts annoyed when he is over and like she’s tired of him. Rarely checks in to see how he’s doing and we live 5 minutes away. He’s on the spectrum and sometimes has crying outbursts but his dad (not bio dad) and I are extremely patient and everyone on his side is very patient, calls to check in and even asks our son to come over for sleepovers and such. I feel like my mom regrets being a grandma and is still in denial and it hurts. There are so many other things in our relationship that I need to speak with her about but I’m honestly nervous to talk with her because she gets extremely defensive and it ends up blowing up. I find myself distancing myself in the form of not picking up the phone right away when she calls, not texting her first (she will text me all day long) and just making sure she feels like I’m being distant so maybe she will get the hint I’m irritated. because like I said, if I talk with her about it first it’ll blow up. Any tips?
TL;DR – parents have 2 younger kids but mom acts like she doesn’t want to be a grandma.
23 comments
Just…remove her from your child’s life she doesn’t give a damn.
That you care this much for her acceptance and attention tells me you’re a great mom. Keep loving your child. That’s enough especially for your son.
Before I forget, I’d like to add to this post that next week is grandparent day at school and instead of seeing if either can go to my sons class they immediately check the date to make sure they can go to my siblings classrooms instead 🙄. It’s grandparents day. Just something else I’m bothered about that I need to get off my chest lol. Peace and love lol.
If you’re 29 and your Mom’s 49, surely that would mean she had you at 20, not 17?
Are there any other family members or friends in your life who you can lean on more for love and support? Having more people in your child’s life who love him and support him is not a bad thing!
I am sorry that your relationship with your mother is so terrible and how she is unsupportive of you. It sounds like they are layers and layers of problems and issues here. I understand that your mother is important to you but she just isn’t really making herself very available.
Personally I feel that you will find a lot of Peace in treating her as the type of friend that she treats you as. Then you can let go of a lot of things and not feel like you have to try so much because she is “your mother”.
If there are other people in your circle who shower your son with love and affection (and support you as a parent) then embrace that chosen family! If your son has what he needs he won’t notice that grandma is distant. It’ll just be the norm.
I’m sure it hurts to see your mom be so indifferent about your child! He’s your whole heart! But the sooner you drop the rope there and continue to focus on your family (your husband and child and that chosen family you’re growing) the sooner you will be able to enjoy the life you’re building. ❤️
I’m sure there are plenty of other issues at play in your relationship with your mother, but you’re here asking for advice on this particular issue, so…
Your perspective here is skewed. Your mother is busy raising two young children. As a mother raising a young child, surely you understand how much time and effort an 8-year-old and a 5-year-old take up. Like, most other grandparents aren’t still raising their own young children, which is why they have the time and resources to devote to grandchildren. If your mother invites your child over, that means she has to look after a special-needs child *in addition to* her own two young children—maybe she simply doesn’t have the capacity for that right now. You sound like you are angry at your mother for prioritizing *her own children* over *your child*. Of course she is prioritizing her own children over your child.
What would you say to your mother if she started acting distant from you because you weren’t prioritizing your relationship with your siblings? If she were angry at you for not helping them with their homework or felt you weren’t making enough of an effort with them? Wouldn’t you tell her you’re sorry but you have your own child who’s taking up most of your time and effort?
Your mom is missing out. I became a grandma when I was 40 and my granddaughter is the light of my life. I have a stepson who was five when she was born. Yes sometimes two kids is hard but you make it work.
Honestly, like someone else said she has two young kids to take care of. She doesn’t have the bandwidth for your son like other grandparents. Maybe that will change when your siblings get older but for right now don’t expect much from her.
Im worried this will happen to me. My mum is 47, im 28 and pregnant so she will be a grandma but is totally in denial about it and has been a bit standoffish at times about me being pregnant and it being hard for her to wrap her head around.
Now shes going to “adopt” her partners 2 year old that the bio mum is giving up so she will have her own baby. She wants to raise our sons together.
I feel like my son will miss out on having a grandmother and my mum will be so involved with her new son she will barely ask about her grandson cause it also makes her feel old
If your mom didn’t want to be a young Grandma then she shouldn’t have become a mother so young…
My mom is a shitty mom and a shitty grandparent. It’s painful and I’m sorry. It’s not what you imagine or see other families have.
Just cut her out of your life. Your son deserves better.
You’re being a little entitled. Your mother’s priority is her underaged children. That’s her main focus. Of course she’s not going to focus on your kid as well-that would be A LOT for her.
I sympathize with you that you’re missing the ‘traditional’ grandma thing with her, but this doesn’t make her a bad person at all.
I can understand why she would feel a bit weird having kids and grandkids close in age, but should get used to it and act like a normal grandmother lmao. Did you talked with her about how you feel and everything you wrote here? I know it’s awkard, would probably end in some yelling/crying, but it’s better then loosing your relationship with your mother withouth trying, and she might actually change, maybe she doesn’t conciouscly realise what she is doing, maybe there is some missunderstanding on both sides, I mean yeah, it’s true that most grandparents doesn’t have 2 kids to grow, and I imagine your mother might also work. Hints like “I distance myself from her so she can understand” can soon become a double-edge and a way of negative-feedback until you actually loose all bounds with your parents.
Counseling between your Mother and yourself sounds like a good place to start.
If you are going to sit down with her, have a non partial referre (maybe some who can emphasize and can see both sides of issue).
Then she doesn’t deserve to be in your sons life and why can’t she take some responsibility it’s not like you asked to be born tell her to grow up or you won’t be seeing her anymore.
Well it’s understandable that she’s not focusing on your son. She’s still a mom to two young kids that she needs to focus on. As a mom you yourself should understand how hard taking one kid is but she has two to look after. Also is your dad present and if he is is he actually helping her care for them???? If not then of course it’s understandable that your mom is too stressed, overworked and not ready to be a grandma at this time since she’s still being a mom to two very young kids. She mostly doesn’t even have the time.
Why are people saying it’s okay for OP’s mother to hate and ignore her grandchild? It’s not! You think that little boy doesn’t know his grandma hates him? There’s no excuse for hurting a child like that.
I don’t think you’re acting entitled at all. She’s not being an involved or caring grandmother. She’s the one who chose to have children really early and really late in life and if she didn’t want to be a young grandmother then she should have thought of that. For your own mental health you have to adjust what you think being a grandma looks like. She could be a good mom and a decent grandma but she’s choosing not to. If you have no expectations she can’t hurt you. If she’s impossible to talk with then don’t. She’s not gonna change anyways. I would also recommend you start refusing to watch your brothers so you don’t feel taken advantage of since the favors never go both ways. Only do what you genuinely want to and maybe work with a therapist to accept your mom as she is so your hurt isn’t continuous. Good luck and I’m sorry that your mom ignores your child.
I’ve seen most other things addressed by other posters, but you said that your mom doesn’t ask for his school photo but make sure everyone has one of your siblings pics. Do you not see that she is offering them and giving them away, and not just waiting to be asked?
She has a 8 & 5 year but thinks she’s too young to be a grandma?! Really?! I mean she’s def too old to be a mom of a 5 year old. I think your mom may have issues that have nothing to do with you or your child. I mean my Dad (73) has 3 kids, 48, 46 & 16. He has 3 grandkids & they are all older than his youngest. And no one ever thinks my Dad is her Dad, they thinks he’s her Grandpa.
My stepmother did this…I cut contact, it was clear to me after a year or two of my son being around that she had no interest. On top of her already distant and disinterested behavior with me.