(Advice wanted) My (26F) twin brother (26M) smells and has no friends, how can I help him?

14 comments

1. Aw this is so sad to read. You’re obviously a good sister. I think the only way to tackle this is head on. I would send a message or email and maybe you could frame it as something like “when I was over at your place I noticed you seemed a bit behind on laundry and stuff. I was the same when I moved out here and I found this guide online .. “ and then basically send a clear bullet pointed list of how often to wash clothes, how to dry them, how often to shower and use hygiene products etc. Theres no point being subtle or dropping hints like you say he obviously needs help and it needs to be clear and firm guidance. But by pretending you had a similar struggle and the advice comes from a third party it may make it easier for him to save face and you can distance yourself slightly so it doesn’t seem like you’re telling him off it trying to embarrass him. Then end your message with some general chat and say how good it was to catch up etc. it’s a hard conversation to have but you need to do it for his own good.

2. Ima keep it a buck…the sooner you give it to him straight but polite the sooner his entire social life and depression/anxiety will turn around for the better. You lowkee did miss a big chance to help him six years ago but the next best time is always now.

3. >Max seems depressed and lonely

   (I’ve been depressed before)

   You need to talk about what’s causing this ***first***. If a fix is made to whatever is causing this, the other problems likely start taking care of themselves.

   In my case, for a long time I didn’t bother to ambitiously go out and forge a life/career and make friends not because I didn’t feel like I could succeed but because *I felt like I still wouldn’t be happy even if I did succeed.* Most likely he feels the same way. Ask him why. People are bad at keeping secrets – ask and you shall receive the answer!

4. It’s called Neuropsycological testing.

5. Did it ever occur to you that your brother (and also your parents) might have ADHD?

   Struggling with body hygiene and/or doing housework is very common for people with ADHD.

6. I’m sorry to hear how you grew up like that. I’m glad you got out.

   I’m not sure what to do. But if it were me, I would position it as a “Max-makeover” if he is keen on it. Like a Max 2.0 to make friends and be on dating app (or something).

   Then use this opportunity to do a cleanse of the house, shopping trip, basic hygiene like showering and top it off with a nice cologne. Also to a nice bar to unwind and give him something to smile about. If not bar, maybe to a place that he might have more interest in.

   Might give him something to work towards to.

   Edit/ use the activity to share and teach him.

7. The smell is easier to deal with than the general psychological health. And he needs adequate psychological health to not slide back into bad conditioned ‘habits’.

   For smell on its own, I would frame it as “I want to help you be able to get a girlfriend.” The fact is most guys leave a lot to be desired in their housekeeping, so although his problems are a lot more extensive, the process would be about the same.

   But the psychological health is a different matter. Is there any way you guys could live together for awhile? It sounds like it would be really hard to arrange… but see what’s possible. Maybe eventually you could move on to two separate apartments in the same building.

   And then it’s hard to figure out how to pull that off with someone who is already doing so poorly… but generally he sounds like someone whose problems are made worse by being alone.

   (ps I would suggest not using his real name if you are)

8. It’s good to know I’m not alone in growing up this way. And it even happens on the other side of the pond too. I’m 26 too. I don’t really have advice other than to tell you I’m in the same boat. My brother and sister are still at home and though conditions are better for them now, they, like your brother, have never had a significant other or many friends and I feel I’ve abandoned them.

9. My case is exactly the same EXCEPT i don’t feel smell at all. So i often got ghosted or dumped by no reason whatsoever, never had many friends etc. Only now (M26) i start to be able to precisely predict when i smell, but it is still ruining my life.

10. I feel like good therapy is the place to start. OP needs therapy to get through her issues in particular that she abandoned her brother. I did that too. Different circumstances but similar impact. It took a lot of therapy to fully understand that our first order of business is survival. OP had to save herself. BRAVO.

    Her brother needs a diagnostic work up. Maybe he’s depressed. Maybe he’s ADHD. Both? Other issues? Reddit doesn’t know and OP (and I’m totally supportive, OP) isn’t in a position to diagnose.

    The odor problem. How laundry is done, frequency, water temp, products, affects how clean a thing can get. Body soil is oily. If sheets are washed infrequently, there is a build up of oils and proteins that may not be coming out with the wash. You find this sitch with old people and in college dorms. (My sheets could have stood by themselves in a corner if I’d ever taken them off the bed.) The person who sleeps on those sheets cannot smell the odor. Others def can. My point is bro can wash his bedding but not be able to get it clean and he won’t know it. Throw out all the bedding. Start over. Wash weekly. Start over with underwear. May have to start over with shirts. Pants unless very close to the skin tend to collect less of this oil/protein residue, may come clean, must be fully dried though. If towels are mildewy, start over. My point is that Max has a ton of issues and adding to them laundry challenges that may honestly be unsolvable, I just feel so bad for the guy.

11. He has to participate in his own rescue

12. Why don’t you try to get him a job out near you so that it’s easier to help him out? If he had work and an apartment near where you live, it would be much easier to keep tabs on him.

13. You’re a good sister. I was never taught anything about how to take care of myself and had to learn on my own, I hope he can appreciate having someone look out for him like this.

14. Well, since it’s your twin, I’m guessing you’re closer than regular siblings. You can Help him clean up. Tell him to clean, wash his clothes and tell him to try to keep them in order. Maybe if you go out afterwards, it’ll help