Hello! My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We had a healthy, happy marriage prior to this.
We have 2 very young children (toddler and infant). Since our first child was born, we’ve been having issues in the bedroom. Mostly because of time…there is simply no time to do it other than when the kids are asleep. And our youngest would wake up frequently and is very unpredictable. We get no help whatsoever from anyone. No family ever offer or could be bothered to help with the kids. Because of this, our sex life has greatly suffered.
Since then, my husband is having a hard time finishing whenever we have sex. He’s not able to ejaculate and would lose the erection. He doesn’t really initiate or talk about sex anymore either. We even went for over 6 months not having sex. This has brought me so much emotional turmoil. My self esteem has suffered. I tried to have a discussion with him about this, and the reasons he gave on different occasions were: it feels different down there since I had the baby, the connection we had before is not the same anymore, “I’m older now” (he’s in his 40s), every couple goes through the same problem when they have kids but will improve once the children are older, the anxiety that the baby will wake up at any moment is killing the mood.
I don’t think he is cheating. There is simply no time for him to meet someone to cheat. We both work, we watch the kids ourselves, and we have so many responsibilities at home, every minute of the day is accounted for. And he values commitment and loyalty very much.
I still love him and would really want to work it out but I don’t even know what to do. I refuse to believe that this is normal. What can I do to help alleviate this problem?
3 comments
>I’m older now
Him or you?
This is more common than you think
His headspace has altered. Maybe the stress of having kids, maybe you becoming the mother to his kids changed his view intimately (sucks but it happens), etc etc. it’s not you physically it’s something in his head space. I would ask him what type of porn he enjoys. Don’t take it offensively and really learn what excites him. See if you can guide him back to seeing you as a sexual partner again by being interested in what gets him going. My first guess is after kids he started watching Porn. He got his needs met watching porn and masturbating and his headspace has shifted.
Are you getting date nights? Are you still dating each-other? Another big issue is when marriages become monotonous and all about the kids. We forget to protect our intimate relationship outside of raising kids.
Marriage is hard!! I hope you can get things squared away. But I seriously doubt you feel differently down there, or that you have any physical reasons to feel insecure.