Edit: oops, I meant to post this in the social anxiety subreddit! Maybe this post can apply here too?
Usually, my anxiety gets ramped up around people who are toxic/mean/hurtful, before I even discover what these people are really like. Our subconscious seems to know there is something to be afraid of in these people. I’ve found that it doesn’t take long (sometimes literally seconds) before they get turned off by the social anxiety, to the point where they are rude or even insulting. It’s odd to me how social anxiety is so disturbing to some people.
For instance, I’ve noticed I smile a bit more when I’m uncomfortable. It’s like anxiety makes it harder to access our true feelings and thoughts, so we’re holding onto something to stay afloat in the situation. Maybe others just can’t tolerate the emotional incongruency? While simultaneously lacking enough emotional awareness to consider that the anxious person is actually in need of compassion in that moment? I can definitely say that I extend that kindness when I see anyone struggling socially. My brain’s like, “isn’t it obvious?!”
6 comments
I am generalizing *a lot* here – but I think people who are turned off by other’s anxiety fall into two buckets:
1. People who are themselves inwardly insecure, (or are a bit sociopathic) – who worry that what they see as “weakness” in others will rub off on them in some way. These people don’t matter at all – let them think what they think and find better people.
2. People who are uncomfortable when they see *neediness* – i.e. when someone *needs* them to react a certain way, or to give them something specific. When someone is needy towards you – they are showing an inability to accept your own agency, and are usually doing something to try to control/force you into behaving the way that they want. Neediness is uncomfortable because being manipulated is uncomfortable.
Anxiety is a sign that you do not have control over your body and mind.
Because your making it their problem. Plus they have choice when it comes to who they like to spend time with when there is a genuine connection to be had. All and all it’s not personal however.
I recall from therapy a talk about this a little bit. Basically it comes down to you aren’t acting how they may expect you to act, so they go into self preservation mode a little bit, because they cant read you very well. I have a nervous laugh when trying to meet new people, and in that case it can be like ‘why are you laughing, what are you planning type thing’
Biologically speaking people who are nervous socially tend to be seen as low status individuals. Also, it shows a lack of confidence, control, and assertiveness. Confident and outgoing people are more likable generally.
It’s unfortunate that some people don’t have patience for others but it’s not their problem they don’t want to associate with anxious people.
People that don’t understand social anxiety disorder think your standoffish and rude by not acknowledging them. I think also they can sense it and it makes them act the same way.