A cultural Divide

tl;dr: My in laws from India give us so much and my anxiety causes me (from north america) to feel less than or inadequate. Looking for advice to conquer this to prevent additional strain on my wife and I’s relationship.

My \[35M\] in laws are amazing people. They will literally give you the last dollar they have, or the clothes off their back. They are the most generous and kind people I know, and their daughter (my wife \[33F\]) is cut from the same exact cloth. For a bit of context, they are from India, and I’m from North America, so there is a a bit of a cultural divide here. So some of my views, traditions, and culture differ greatly from theirs. They have been the exact same throughout dating and marrying their daughter, so its not like this is news to me, I knew who they are and I love them for it. But at times, I feel as though I’m not given the ability to show my gratitude towards them.

I suffer from anxiety, and depression. I’m working on it, but its been a slow process and I’ve really been struggling these last few weeks with our son, work, and the in laws. So this really has nothing to do with them, but more so dealing with my own inadequacies and issues. At times I feel like I can’t give back to them the way they have to me, even in small ways like lunch or visiting without any strings attached, anything like that. They come by more often now to see their grandson, but besides that we really only see them when they bring us food or stop by with a specific goal in mind.

Onto my issue. This can be a trigger for me and spirals me to feel upset because i want to reciprocate and show my thanks, although i feel that i am “not allowed to”. I’ve found it difficult with the amount that they give and refusal to allow me to show my gratitude towards them. They refuse gifts, meals, and any time they do take something we basically have to force it onto them; after, they then feel guilty and want to repay in some fashion (my wife has said this is because they don’t want to put us out, knowing how tough it was for them raising kids in a new country). I’ve discussed it at length with my wife, who is supportive but understands that her parents are likely not going to change (not that I want them to), but I really would love for them to meet me halfway occasionally, let us do something for them, accept things no questions asked, etc. She doesn’t see this happening, and I don’t want to cause additional strain on their relationship for no reason. We have had multiple conversations with them about this, but from their perspective they are truly just doing it out of love and how they show their love is to give. When we say we want to do the same thing back, it’s refused.

I’ve talked with my wife and we have decided that getting some outside perspective on this would be helpful, I’d like to see how others have dealt with the families who give and give and don’t receive. How do people in my situation who have feelings of “not good enough” manage their expectations and just go with it, being happy just that they are around instead of feeling upset? Whenever this issue comes up it does cause strain, and stress in our relationship, so any advice is welcome.