I 27m have known my best friend 26f for ten years and we’ve grown to be incredibly close. Even through going to separate high schools, colleges, and her moving to a different continent for an ex boyfriend, we’ve kept in contact in almost every way possible.
Since the beginning of the year, and more so in the last six months, I’ve started developing feelings for her that weren’t there before. These feelings have become much stronger and I’ve kinda come to the realization that she is everything I’m looking for in a partner. To save the platitudes – when I’m around her, I feel like I’m home, no matter where we are.
After talking extensively with my therapist, we’ve come to the realization that I need to discuss these feelings to her. I truly do not know how she feels, but I know I can’t give my next girlfriend the emotional availability they deserve unless I move on from my friend. So, assuming she doesn’t reciprocate, I would like to take some time and space away from our friendship in the next few months to move on and reorganize my priorities. Basically, I’d like to get back to being purely platonic, but I can’t do that without setting boundaries, and I think she deserves to know why those boundaries are just now coming up.
If you were in her shoes, what would you like to hear in this discussion? I want to make sure to reassure her that my friendship, the core of our relationship is real and authentic and that she shouldn’t feel uncomfortable since these feelings have only come on recently. (That being said, of course I will completely understand if she IS uncomfortable, I know it’s a difficult position).
I know this will change our friendship in a big way, but I think that we can both be adults about it and I just want to know what I need to say to make sure I do this as cleanly as possible.
TLDR; I’m developing feelings for my friend, I need to tell her, but I want to know what I can do to make the discussion happen in the most appropriate way possible.
2 comments
>If you were in her shoes, what would you like to hear in this discussion?
No big dramatic declarations. That’s the classic mistake most men make in these situations (too many damn romcoms make it seem like the right thing to do) All that stuff about her being everything you’re looking for in a partner, and feeling like “home” when you’re with her? Keep that to yourself. Save the platitudes for your therapist.
Just try to approach this casually, like a regular conversation, ask her if she ever thought about you two getting together? And take it from there.
>I want to make sure to reassure her that my friendship, the core of our relationship is real and authentic and that she shouldn’t feel uncomfortable since these feelings have only come on recently. (That being said, of course I will completely understand if she IS uncomfortable, I know it’s a difficult position).
Yeah, see, you need to fully aware that *that* part is out of your hands. She’s going to feel however she’s going to feel, no matter how you approach the topic. And IF she doesn’t reciprocate your romantic interesting, she may very well no longer feel comfortable continuing this platonic friendship for a while, if ever. So accept that risk in advance (or keep your mouth shut).
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Good luck.
Will you be able to talk to her in person or are you still living at a distance? I wasn’t sure if this friend and you lived locally or not.