Hello internet friends,
I am wondering the age old question of how do I respond when being asked when my boyfriend (33M) and I (26F) are getting married. We’ve been together for three years next month. I’m about 2/3 of the way through grad school. I really want to get married but I know it just isn’t a great time because I’m in school and boyfriend just got a job promotion and is still trying to steady himself in that. I’ve tried to answer this numerous ways before. And I’m asking because with the holidays coming all the religious relatives on both sides are going to be asking when we’re getting married. I will list what I’ve tried before, but always garners me a sad “poor you” look.
– “one thing at a time, I have to finish grad school first”
– “that’s a great question, you should probably ask [partners name]”
– “not clear, let me know if you hear anything though”
– literally walking away or entirely changing the subject.
I don’t feel super confident in any of my responses though. Can I get some better responses?
TL;DR: I need better responses to basically nicely (or sassily, idc at this point) tell people that I have no idea when the bae will propose and to stop fucking asking.
36 comments
“No worries, in a year or two we’ll be married by common law” or “Sadly, I am starting to shop around because I’m thinking he is not serious about commitment.” (The latter worked for me.)
“It’s a personal matter” (end of discussion)
I would be inclined to respond with, “When we decide to and not a moment before.”
* I don’t want to get married until I’m in the real world. Being in school isn’t reality. I want my marriage to go the long haul so I’m not rushing anything.
“We have no plans at this time.” Move on to another topic.
In situations like this, I go full weird
“I don’t believe in marriage unless it’s with multiple partners, a Scientology ceremony with drugs and an alien officiate”
When in that situation I liked to say, loudly and cheerfully “you’ll be the first to know!” and then walk away.
“good question, you should ask (partner)” is also a fine response, esp. if it’s his family asking.
My inclination is to go weird/aggressive/rude/:
1) “When you die.”
2) “Why are you asking? You won’t be there.”
3) “If you won’t watch us fuck, you won’t watch us get married.” A real great one for religious types.
I like to throw a verbal grenade.
“when are you getting lipo? I mean, since we’re asking invasive questions…”
“Yesss! Another one for ‘intrusive relative bingo’!”
“As soon as we find an officiant that does polygamist ceremonies. Know anyone?”
“Jeez, calm down and let us enjoy living in sin for a while!”
Just kidding, mostly. For me, a succinct “asked and answered, moving on” would do.
1) It’s none of their business, you already give them too much information if you imply you are waiting for proposal.
“I’ll let you know if we get engaged, but not before.”
2) Communicate with your partner. You seem eager to get married, he should be able to provide some sort of timeline if he is on the same boat. “Just having been promoted” is definitely one of the worst excuses I’ve heard.
My most used answers were
* “Tuesday.” It’s better if SO is part of that convo, so you both can make it obvious that you’re being silly.
* “When we feel like it.”
Other people gave great response comments – I would just say “when I get a job and can afford a wedding! Have I told you about my research?…” – but I feel like this is a question you wouldn’t be too bothered by if you felt secure in your timeline.
So, do *you* know when you’ll be getting married? Not for other people’s sake but for yours. Plenty of people get married during grad school, so that’s not a reason why it “isn’t a great time”.
Have you talked to your partner about your timelines?
“oh my god, thank you so much for volunteering to pay for it! We’ve been saving and saving to afford to fly his whole family from *insert name of very far away country*! 100k is so much money, we’ll name our firstborn after you!” Then you call out to your bf,
“Honey, aunt nosey volunteered to pay for the whole wedding! Yes all 100k!”
“You’ll be the first to know, don’t you worry!”
“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
Make it a drinking game: “Someone asked if we’re getting married! Take another shot!”
“Waiting on a sign from God, lemme know if you hear anything.”
I like “What am I, a child bride?!” from Broad City
“That’s not my priority right now. Would you like to hear how my thesis is going?”
Ignore the “poor you” looks. That’s them not you.
Choose sassy or dark (depending on how many times the particular busybody has asked):
**Sassy**
* We decided on 6 months after the last nosey person asks us this question. So thanks a lot, you just reset the clock
* We’re both young and have many more years to be miserable, so we decided to wait and enjoy being happy and unmarried for now
**Dark**
* Oh I’m just using him for sex now and when he’s satisfied my darkest urges I will be dumping him and finding another
* Well at the moment I’m enjoying frequent wild animal sex but maybe in a couple of years when I’m over that and I want a dead bedroom then we’ll talk
“Right after we finish celebrating noneya. None ya business.”
I found that no one asked my partner when we were getting married, only me. So I said “I’m not sure what did partner say when you asked them?”
Start handing out raffle tickets and when someone asks you hand them one and say “I’m doing a drawing at the end of the holiday of people who ask inappropriate questions. You’re entered”
You don’t feel it’s right to be married until people can marry animals.
“All in good time, we’ve got other priorities right now. Let me tell you about my studies/partners job promotion!”
“We don’t mind waiting because we already feel married in our hearts. Once we’re ready to commit to the big project of throwing a wedding, we’ll let you know.”
“Certainly not right *now*! I’ve got SO much on my plate at the moment, I’ve specifically told Partner to not even hint at proposing until after my studies.”
“Oh I’m already married. He’s my side piece!”
My bf and I decided that we would be both marriage- less and childless.
Reponse: “To us, marriage is just is a piece a paper. Love is what matters. Oh, yeah, more than 50% of marriages don’t last. So, what’s the point?”
I always say, “eww who gets married anymore”. The shock usually leaves them speechless. May never even ask me again.
When people ask me questions I don’t want to answer, I respond with weird facts. Example, “when are you getting married?” “Did you know that Koala’s brains are completely smooth?” I like animal facts, but I bet you know sone really weird stuff about your area of study. Boring facts work too.
There will always be some version of this. Be it marriage or babies or houses… there will always be people who ask you annoying questions about “milestones” because they want to seem interested but also can’t think of anything else to say to you. Have some fun at their expense. Invent a bingo game or a drinking game.
My friend’s response to that was always “5 years from the last time I get asked that question”
“Oh probably eventually…” then just trail off and go quiet and stare at them.
Your responses are good, just cycle through them until people get bored of asking. Remember that for most, this is just a standard question because they’re nosy or can’t find anything else to talk about; you don’t need to be pouring out your heart and insecurities to them. Ignore the looks.
A lot of people here are giving “witty” variants but the truth is that being passive-aggressive isn’t recommended if you want to maintain an amiable relationship (or at least a facade) with the people asking.
“When the curse is broken”, refuse to elaborate and stare solemnly into the distance.
“Once the ritual is complete”
“The next blood moon”
“The omen said that we must wait”
“When the crow brings us the sprig of new beginnings, we will know it is time”.
Just mess with them basically
When he knocks me up or I give up on finding someone better.
“Never.”
then you just let the uncomfortable silence force them into a different line of conversation.
>“that’s a great question, you should probably ask [partners name]”
This is definitely something you should use for his family, each and every time.
For your own family, stick to “when it happens, we’ll let you know”
“We’re talking about it :)”
“We’re waiting til I’m done with grad school to figure out the specifics :)”
“Oh, we’re old fashioned and thought we’d wait til after we get engaged first!”
You say in either an “oh you” sort of way or a deadpan sort of way depending on the audience: “That’s a personal question” and then change the subject
Few options
1) it’s none of your F’ing business
2) not until gay dog marriages are legal on Mars
3) when you give us the $1 Million we need to afford to buy a house, pay off our student debts and pay for the wedding of our dreams
4) I’m going to slap the next person who asks me that
5) OMG don’t say marriage around him, people keep asking him when he’s going to pop the question and it’s freaking him out, I think he’ll leave if another person asked us that question
Stupid responses I know, I’ve been there, it’s the same when women get asked when are you going to have a baby, and those people have no idea you’ve been trying for years
You either need to be honest and say Please stop asking us that, we’re in no rush and it will happen when we’re ready or just go stupid like the examples above.
People mean well but they are often just being intrusive
My husband and I got married nearly 10 years into our relationship, when I was 28, so we got this question a lot. (We also eloped, so people didn’t know it was on the verge of happening.)
A lot of the responses here may feel good in the moment, but they won’t help your relationships with the people asking or with your partner. And honestly, people who are asking may be jerks, but they probably mean well and, like all of us, are just casting about for small talk during the holidays. I also think that suggestions about making it clear that your partner is the holdup are a bad idea–while I understand your frustration with them, having everyone know who is dragging their feet just won’t help anything, especially the “poor you” looks. (And it definitely will *not* make your partner more excited to get married.)
Instead, I highly recommend just saying, “Oh, we’re really happy as we are!” and changing the subject. Keep it light and happy and you won’t get the “poor you” looks. And frankly, again, most people probably don’t care that much, they are just trying to show interest in your life and doing it poorly.