I’m not sure if this is meant for this subreddit but I don’t know where else to put this and I really need advice. I (20f) and my bf (21m) have been dating for a little over a year. We met through some friends and everything about our relationship has been perfect. I truly love him.
Yesterday, after having sex me and my bf were talking about what kind of *pictures* I have sent in the past. I wanted to see what he had saved of me just out of curiosity, (when I send him pictures I have no problem with him saving them). Before I looked through the pictures however, my bf had been trying to take the phone from me saying things like no you don’t need to look. Immediate red flag. So after scrolling through them for a while, I get to some pictures and videos of me during having sex, that I never gave him consent to take nor did I even know he was taking them.
He claimed that he hadn’t done that in months and it was just at the very beginning of the relationship, which arguably makes it worse. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m over reacting but at the same time Ik this is not an ok thing to do. Any advice?
13 comments
Honestly, dump his ass. That kind of behavior isn’t ok.
Sit him down and confront him with a serious demeanour (which this is). He has to be made aware that consent is essential even in long term relationships. Taking photos without consent especially of a sexual or intimate nature is illegal, and more importantly harmful to the victim.
You’ve raised a good observation that his behaviour indicate that he’s aware the action is wrong with him trying to hide the evidence.
You’re not over-reacting, and I would recommend getting him to show you all of the photos/videos for you to destroy/delete including any back ups. If he’s not coming clean now or dismissive then it raises red flags for your relationship with him in future.
Hope it goes well and resolves amicably.
Stay calm and tell him you wanna watch him delete the photos on the spot and make sure they weren’t backed up to cloud storage because you’re not comfortable with those existing.
Once that’s been done, brain him with a blunt object and dump him. You can never trust someone who would do that.
I mean, my bf takes vids during sex but he always asks first. He definitely doesn’t hide them. So yes, that’s fucking weird. If he wanted to take a video, he should of asked.
In most places it’s illegal to film sex without consent. Force him to delete everything in front of you, and leave. He’s gross
He needs to know what he’s doing is not OK, and illegal in almost every state. Here’s a page with links to the laws by state: [https://cybercivilrights.org/nonconsensual-pornography-laws/](https://cybercivilrights.org/nonconsensual-pornography-laws/)
What you do with that information is up to you, but I think they key thing here is that you’re the one who gets to decide A) what happens with intimate images of you and B) what he needs to do to make things right, or if you’d rather not see him anymore and move on to someone who treats you better.
Your reaction is not the problem here.
You should watch him delete the videos.
That being said, you shouldn’t necessarily dump him off the bat if you think this is a good and worthwhile relationship otherwise and he hasn’t shown a pattern of boundary crossing.
Not everything requires the nuclear option of dumping your partner. Reddit would have you nuke every relationship from orbit if they could decide it.
See what he was thinking, see what he was doing with them, see if it fits into a pattern of behavior, and move from there. Maybe you do dump him, but maybe there is a way forward if you so desire it.
Force him to delete all the images from the phone and the cloud. Then dump him, because this is unforgivable.
If it really bothers you, you should talk to him and have him delete everything that you have a problem with. If he loves you, he would do it. I would do anything for my wife (within reason) because I love her unconditionally. Good luck!
I don’t mean to sound cliche but relationships are built on trust and this is a huge violation of trust. I would first explain that to him. And then tell him since you don’t trust him at this point, you need to delete them off his phone or watch him do it. Then, only after you know the photos are gone, you should probably break up with him. I know that is difficult. But nonconsensual nude photos should be a dealbreaker
You should also tell him that’s it’s definitely against the law.
You need to make sure those videos and images are deleted on his phone, in the cloud, and decide whether there is a risk they were shared. Someone who thinks so little of your privacy that without your consent or knowledge films themselves fucking you at the early stages of a relationship is filming you for a reason. That reason is never a good one. I have helped girls get their photos removed from porn sites (my job used to be related to law enforcement) and it is not easy. But it can be done. You will approach this from a digital copyright angle. Don’t dump him until you have clarified where the media is likely to have ended up. Try and get as much evidence as you can that the media originated from him. If you allow this media to remain, you may find it at large on the Internet long after you and he have split up. The Internet is awash with footage filled consensually and non-consensually and your have the chance now to control what digital media of you having sex exists.
Normally, private sex videos would be made when the parties trust one another and with full consent. You cannot possibly trust someone who secretly videos you having sex. Anyone who says you can hasn’t seen the aftermath when it is done by a person with malevolent intent or who loses their phone.
It’s really important for you to set your boundaries in a relationship. Would you feel better if he deleted them? And ask him why he needs a video of it when he has the real thing there.
I don’t understand this culture of taking explicit content and keeping it on a phone which any hacker could access.
It’s unacceptable without your consent.