Don’t know where else to turn to for advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We graduated in June and were planning on moving in together in a new city. Because he ended up getting a job in his hometown, I decided to move with him. We’ve been living separately for the first few months due to him wanting to spend some more time with his family + save money, which I’ve been okay with since I was able to find a pretty solid job and have been able to support myself while living with roommates. Before moving, we agreed that we would live separately for a couple of months for the above reasons before moving in together, especially so that his family can become more acquainted with me (my first time meeting them was in June)
Flash forward a few months to now, I am more than ready for us to move in. I’m tired of living with roommates and I want a nicer place. I’m also tired of having to go to his parents’ house whenever I want to see him. I want my boyfriend and I to have our own life together. The only thing stopping us is his family’s abject rejection/disapproval of the idea. They’re deeply religious and think it’s too early for us to move in together. They want to sit down and “have a discussion” about compromising. We talked for over an hour last night over the phone, per their request. Their ideas are he lives with me part-time and pays 1/4 of my rent, which is just financially unfeasible (this city is very expensive) or that we wait until later in the future. I don’t want to compromise mainly because I don’t want to set a precedent that it’s okay for them to interfere and dictate OUR life decisions. We are both adults and we both make our own money. I also feel that I already made a lot of sacrifices by moving across the state on the premise that we would live together. My boyfriend and I have already put a lot it thought into this individually. I am of the belief that family members can be there to guide and provide wisdom in the process but they shouldn’t play a huge part in making the ultimate decision.
My main question is: Who is being unreasonable here? Is it me or is it his parents? Am I showing “red flags” (their words)?
TLDR: I want to move in with my boyfriend but his parents disapprove
5 comments
The REAL problem here is your boyfriend. He can respect his parents desires and wishes or he can be his own person. He’s an adult. It’s up to him to decide. If he won’t and keeps hiding behind his parents tails, you’re dating a kid
Your problem lies in your BF allowing his parents input on this decision. This is a red flag in my opinion.
The “compromise” his parents presented you with was phrased specifically for you to reject it for how unreasonable it is — not just in terms of cost, but also their son’s independence.
So far, you’ve invested much more effort and money into this relationship than your bf has. You’re more independent, too. I’m not ragging on him for living with his parents, rather that he agreed to let you move to his city while presumably knowing beforehand that he wouldn’t be living with you (because I seriously doubt he didn’t know what his parents would say). You had to fend for yourself while he had the cushy safety net of his parents’ house.
It’s one thing for his parents to demand that, it’s another for your boyfriend to comply. So either he thinks the same as them, or he’s too much under their thumb to make decisions for himself. I’m really curious how that “deeply religious” home atmosphere translated to how he turned out.
Edit: you mention you’re both Asian, so that’s another big component. If the filial piety obligations have been drilled into him, it’s very unlikely that you’ll be able to break them — especially not while he’s still living under his parents’ influence.
You are being irrational which is not surprising given that you are only 21 years old. The human brain does not fully become fully mature until at least 25 years old with male brains taking even longer.
Plus, you are Asian. Have you no consideration for either his or your parents social’s circles? If the two of you can’t afford to live separately then you have no business living together.
Slow it down, build your assets and establish yourselves as separate individuals first. One’s character will show itself in the fullest of time.
If you behave like Westerners, you’ll get Western’s results. His parents may not say it ( because they are too polite) but for your parents I will say it. What if you break up? How would your families and communities react to this? Are your families social hermits? The parents are only showing their love through the experiences of thousands of years of cultural wisdom.
Don’t be impatient and instead form a strategic plan to best create a long lasting and fulfilling relationship. Good luck, OP!
When moving in with my partner around this age, it seemed like a much better leap than where I was currently living. Truth was it was a different set of pros and cons, but a net gain overall. Rent was expensive and had I chosen to move in a year or 2 later I would have saved some money I’d love to be holding right now. Try to be patient and be happy with where you are today because you will live with your partner later. Don’t rush things. Make the most of the current situation. You don’t need to be living together right this moment to have a great life. Good luck.