I met several cool people on Bumble, followed each other on instagram and remain acquaintances. After I met them, I had to travel for 1.5 months so we were not able to continue seeing each other. Fast forward to 4 months later, some of them reach out to me if I want to hang out/grab lunch or coffee. The thing is now I already have a boyfriend. I still want to hang out with couple of them because I think they are cool and very knowledgable. I’m a very business person and love to hear insights. People i matched that I follow on instagram mostly work for large tech companies or is building his own start up company.
I’m very much interested to just hear and learn insights from them. I asked my bf if i could hang out with them (it will be one on one), and if he is comfortable with that? He told me he’s only comfortable with me going if both parties know that its not going to be a DATE, but just two friends hanging out. He doesn’t want to stop me from learning but he wants the other person to know that I’m not looking to date them anymore because I already have a boyfriend.
I wanted to ask if they are still interested and okay to hang out as friends not date. I want to respect their decision too and not waste their time if they’re looking to date only. How do i tell them politely that i do want to grab coffee but it will not be perceived as a date because i have a boyfriend?
27 comments
Well just tell them you are already dating but want to meet them as a friend nothing more. Be very clear about it. There is nothing impolite about setting boundaries tbh.
This is where you just unmatch and move on with life. These people shouldn’t hold any weight on your already founded relationship, or your life in general…especially if all you’ve done is message on a dating app.
NGL, I find it odd any of them are reaching out after months of disconnect.
I think it would be healthier for your relationship to get off the dating apps. Your boyfriend can not be thrilled with this. You know there are other options to finding business insights that don’t involve people you find attractive and that want to date you.
There’s no point in doing this. You met these guys on a dating app- they’re not genuinely interested in being your platonic friends (no matter what they claim).
How would you like it if the shoe were on the other foot? If your boyfriend was off meeting “platonic” female friends he’d met off a dating app?
I’m sure there are less messy ways to pursue professional development.
Two things:
1) If we met on a dating app, and I found out you had a boyfriend, you’d never hear from me again.
2) If you were my girlfriend, and you asked me the question posed in the main body of your post, I’d make you my ex in a heartbeat.
What are you doing, OP?
Going to say no to this. This won’t end well for anyone involved. Even if your boyfriend is OK with this, these guys most likely didn’t go on a dating app to find potential business partners/friends.
I would tell your BF to move on bc you’re clearly still on the apps and wanting to date
This is how you send the wrong signals to other men and how you end your relationship with your current boyfriend.
If you want to meet single men who were clearly attracted and interested in you, you bring you boyfriend along also. And I bet the conversation will be very awkward since the guy is trying to win you over…
If my SO suggested this I would thank her and ghost her and move on with my own life.
You are 30+ acting like a 16 year old teenage girl. By now I would think you would have more social awareness.
>How do i tell them politely that i do want to grab coffee but it will not be perceived as a date because i have a boyfriend?
“I’d love to grab coffee and talk shop, but I currently have a bf and this would be purely platonic/friendly. If you’re cool with that, let me know”
Maybe they’re cool with it. Maybe they’re not, but people are perfectly capable of being friends with people they met off apps. I have several women I’m friends with that I met through OLD.
You can mention to them that you’ve since found a boyfriend but would like to hang out as friends. That being said they’d probably think you’re taking the piss and stop talking to you altogether, which is understandable – no one goes onto Bumble to exchange business insights. If you want to hear from people in your industry and so on you should probably attend meetups that cater to this topic – certainly not dating apps.
Just say thanks for reaching out but you’ve met someone and are in a relationship, and if they still want to get a coffee it would have to be as friends only. Most will probably not respond since they are probably looking for something else.
I wouldn’t though, it would do more harm than good. Your boyfriend says he’s fine with it, but it might make him uneasy still. I wouldn’t want my girlfriend going out with guys she met on a dating app, but I’d never tell her she couldn’t. And these guys might say they are fine with just being friends, but they might have a different agenda or their feelings might change.
I’m against the grain on this one. Maybe it’s because most of my friends are long distance and I’m wanting to expand my friend circle, but I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to be friends with someone I met on a dating app.
I actually sent a message exactly to that effect this morning to a match. I decided to focus on getting to know a particular person I hit it off with. He’s not my boyfriend – it’s only been two months, but we like each other. There is at least one person who seems super rad and I would be happy hanging as friends.
I’m also someone who doesn’t think twice about people having friends of the gender they’re attracted to. I personally don’t understand the discomfort people feel when their, for example, boyfriend has female friends. We’re adults. Being platonic is not difficult (for me).
I would be totally comfortable asking a match to be friends. I would be totally comfortable if my boyfriend (a hypothetical one) wanted to be friends with a match.
Sometimes there are great qualities in a person that would make us good friends, but dealbreakers exist that would prevent us from being good lovers/partners. I still value the person.
My two cents.
Just say “Hey, want to grab a coffee, as friends?”
Agree with the comments on here already so I won’t repeat them…
But I will say, why you’re still on the dating side of bumble with a boyfriend is questionable but you know there’s a business section of bumble you should be on if that’s what you’re after…? Why aren’t you using that if you enjoy networking?
Edited for clarity.
I wouldn’t do this, but gotta say, your bf is a keeper
“Thanks for reaching out! I do have to tell you that while I was travelling, I met someone and we are exclusive. I really enjoy your insights and would still like to go for coffee if you’re interested in hanging out with friends. If not, I completely understand.”
I dont agree with the majority of the comments on here. What is wrong with having friends of the opposite sex? Can’t we all control ourselves if there are possible attractions? If you’re bf is cool about it and aware of it, do whatever you want.
You’re lucky you have a boyfriend still.
Hi I just wanted to be straightforward and let you know I’m currently in a relationship. I wish you the best in your dating endeavors. That simple. But it sounds like you want men that are friends. Doesn’t sound like a good idea, even for business.
Before the days of OLD, how did we meet people? How did we make friends? We are allowed to have friends of the opposite gender without expectations of romantic relationships! It sounds like you are being honest, or plan to, with everyone involved. You just have to set clear boundaries. Make friends, grow your network!
I met a girl with the same situation like you mentioned. She started dating after we match, and we still hanged out without interest to each other. (Her BF was living outside the country so probably that was the reason that she accepted to hangout with me).
Given that I was new to the country I’m currently living at, I’d say it was a good experience. We met a couple of times after that as well, and nowadays we’re still in touch from time to time. (Not that we are best friends but we share common interests, so there’s no problem on talking from time to time) (and long story short she’s def not my type after I met her in person, so nothing would happen anyway lol)
>Hey, thanks for reaching out! In the time since we last spoke, I’ve gotten a boyfriend and have started a relationship with him that I enjoy greatly and would like to continue.
>
>I appreciate your experience and insight and would love to catch up in order to learn and share battle stories about our careers if you’re up for it! I do, however, need to make it clear that this is not a romantic date.
>
>I know this may not be what you had asked for, but I hope you will consider what I believe would be a fun opportunity to learn from each other. Let’s meet for coffee at <place>. Does <day>, <time> work for you?
>
>Best regards,
>
>aquaphor711
This would be a no for me. There’s plenty of ways to network that don’t involve seeing people who have a romantic interest in you, that you had been talking to in the past with a romantic interest. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Or an excuse to see what you missed out on 🤷♀️
The question is more like:
How do I not give bumble matches the wrong idea while I go out for coffee to talk about our common interests.
Not trying to be snarky. The adage, “actions speak louder than words” applies here because none of you know each other well enough to rely on each others’ word.
Friendships from matches usually had a date or two that let people SEE they don’t want a relationship. So, you gotta make a clear optic to everyone that he is in the professional friend-zone. I suggest directly, plain as day, express your intention. Then show it by bringing along a colleague or another person whose brain you’d like to pick.
Personally, I think you’re walking into a shit-storm of “not worth it.”
Just say it? Or make new friends you can both hang out with comfortably?
Guys you find cool, knowledgeable and successful, that you picked half a year ago to date, follow you on Instagram, are unaware you have a boyfriend, and want to take you on more dates? And instead of saying “no thank you, I have a boyfriend”, your instinct is to meet them to discuss their business ventures and learn from them?
Your boyfriend should have thanked you for the memories and cut things off immediately.
I feel like it’s pretty simple. Let them know you’d like to connect and since the last you spoke with them, you’ve started seeing someone (presumably exclusively) and you’re only available for friendship. Something like “Hey! I’d love to grab coffee or lunch with you. I want to let you know, based on how we initially met, that I’m currently seeing someone and any meeting we have would be platonic. If that’s still interesting to you, let’s schedule something!”