The guy I’m seeing (long distance, we only see each other maybe once a week/fortnight) is under an extreme amount of stress personally and work wise. When he is stressed he backs away and I don’t hear from him which of course kicks my anxiety into gear because I wonder what’s going on and if it is me. It’s worse because I don’t live in the same town so it’s not like I can call around to his house or anything. The more he pulls away the more I feel I chase even though I know I shouldn’t but I have strong feelings for this guy and am genuinely worried about him. Anyway, I saw him yesterday and was sleeping over and he was not in a good headspace with work, and he barely touched me, didn’t want to kiss me and then I pushed because I’ve got things going on too and have missed him and I wanted affection, so I was left feeling rejected and he was left feeling frustrated. We didn’t have have sex even though I tried to get it going, and he just laid there and didn’t move, and when I asked him what the hell, he said he wants to have sex but every time we try “it” doesn’t work and basically its all too much (he’s had trouble keeping it up I’m sure because of stress ). Anyway, long story but what can I do to help? I don’t want to push or add more stress but I do have my own needs which also aren’t being met because when he has these things going on he can’t get out of his own head to think of me at all
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Look into Attachment Styles. It sound like you are like me, we use the Anxious Attachment style. And it sounds like your guy is Avoidant Attachment style. It is very common for these styles to conflict under stress in exactly the way you describe. Pushing harder, or chasing him when he retreats, will drive him further away. Giving him space, holding back until he engages, and leaving him room to “work for it” will, surprisingly, usually bring him closer.
That being said, if your needs aren’t being met, and he’s not putting in the effort, it might mean that it’s time for you to find another relationship that meets those needs. In the poly community, this is pretty natural. In the monogamous community, it can be heartbreaking.
If its work related, i’d say its likely that you cant do anything. You could try ask if there is anything else that bothers him and figure out of there is anything that you can do about that.
Speaking from experience as the stressed guy.
Just give him the space he needs, and be there how you can. Sometimes we need to figure things out and cool off on our own. It’s not you, and hounding him or saying that you feel like he’s distancing is going to add a new element of stress that he doesn’t need.
Distance is a difficult factor, but if you’re ever close, do what you can to make his life easier. Take whatever stressors you can off of his plate.
Unfortunately there is no cure-all for stress OP.
I obviously don’t know the situation, i don’t know why he’s stressed, and what’s causing all these problems, so any advice i can give wouldn’t be accurate. What I can say is talk to him, you’re supposed to be partners. You’re probably not going to be able to be super intimate for a bit, but being that shoulder he can lean on and vent to will help. And make sure he knows that bottling it up and not talking to you will only make things worse. Trust me on this, men always bottle up things rather than share them, make sure he doesn’t.
Honestly, if possible spend a few days with him and just help out. Don’t try to force intimacy or have expectations of sex or touching or anything, just be there and take some of his load off. And if at the end of all this he hasn’t changed then there really isn’t much i can help with, you’ll have to find a way to get rid of his sources of stress. Whether that’s having him quit his job for a break or something else.
Do your best OP, you sound like a good person, I’m rooting for you.
Long distance relationships are always difficult. Only seeing each other once in a while adds to the stress, since he (and you) are both under pressure to make the most of it.
The best solution here is to find a way for him to have less stress. If the problem is only temporary then that’s fine, but it doesn’t seem as though you would be here if that were the case. It seems flippant to answer, “How do I deal with my problems?” with, “Solve your problems.” but there are many health-related reasons why long-term stress is dangerous, independent of your relationship.
Okay, let’s assume that isn’t possible to avoid stress all the time. Then you work on reducing stress when it can be avoided. So if this is work related, one approach is to try and separate work life from home life. Every day, he gets home from work and he spends 10-20 minutes meditating, for example. That’s his separator, his chance to put work behind him and focus on other things for the rest of the day. Like you, for example.
That’s all him. For your part, what can you do about this? Well it sounds like the problem is his, so there isn’t a whole lot that you can do. If the issue for you is mostly sexual, you could try phone sex and sexy text messages when you can’t see him. This can be fun for both of you, and might prime him for the real thing when you do get a chance to see him in person.
He’s anxious avoidiant
You’re anxious attached
I’m in the same style relationship except gender is swapped. It’s not an easy relationship dynamic, my suggestion would find a different partner with a more affectionate personality. If you’re anything like me you won’t because the little bits of firey affection will be like a drug after the famine. Ultimately you’ll have to figure out you’ve partner is not responsible for your happiness and how to deal with being rejected by your partner.
Leave the guy alone. He needs space. Get a sextoy if your needs are not met and wait for him to get his shit back together. That’s what I would want my partner to do, anyway.
See if the two of you can get away for a long weekend. Relieves some of his stress and gives you some time together.
You have to plan it together though. You can’t just try to spring it on him.
Realise it’s not about you.
Do things for him without getting any gain (getting upset about not getting sex makes it about you)
If you really cared, you’d sacrifice a bit for him, feel some discomfort and support him as he overcomes whatever’s going on.
Get that right and that man won’t ever look elsewhere.
It’s not about you.
Talk to him about what you need, I feel like if it was me I would like to know for me it would ad to the stresses if I am making you unhappy too. And talk to him about what he needs and be prepared for him not knowing at least not yet
>When he is stressed he backs away and I don’t hear from him
Perfectly normal male behavior
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>which of course kicks my anxiety into gear because I wonder what’s going on and if it is me.
Perfectly normal female behavior
Rule 4.
I am in a long distance relationship, although she is moving in soon. When I am stressed I also pull away and am less affectionate. Try to understand that it is not about you, and part of why men don’t open up sometimes is because when we do and the person we’re talking to is just a supporting cast member of the story, they tend to take it as us saying they’re the problem. My example – my parents aren’t very accepting of my girlfriend and when I tell her, she thinks it’s her fault (it’s not, they’re choosing to not give her a chance). I then have to stop venting about what I wanted to get off my chest to make her feel better and at the end of it I’m even more frustrated.
You were trying to do the right thing and help him out but by asking if it’s you, trying to push sex and expressing frustration when it didn’t happen, you likely added stress.
TL:DR give him space, but I wanted to share the thought process
Just be there, make him think your not just there for pleasure and vice versa, just chill with him, massage him maybe. He’s not getting hard from all the stress. Make him a nice dinner watch a movie or a show, something funny. Maybe help with the small thing while you visit and spend the night. If possible maybe surprise him a day before your next visit and make a super special night for you both. I hope all works out and you keep us updated
Dude is already stressed to the max. And then you pull the “You being stressed makes me stressed. Make me feel better now too.” You basically just added to whatever problems this guy has.
If you want to help him relax, you need to table your needs for a bit, because they just add to his stress.
If this is just a temporary thing, that’s life, sometimes you have to suck things up when another person is in need. If this is how he is, all the time always, he needs to make some serious changes.