Hello,
I (32F) am in a relationship since 2013 with my bf (33M), I’ll call him P.
We have lived together for many years now. We have never had a really stable financial situation and this is why. I work hard in a star-rated restaurant, and before I worked 10 years as a shiftmanager in a fastfood. These are not jobs in which you earn very much money here in France but I’m OK because I have reponsabilities and like what I do.
Now P hasn’t had any job from circa 2014 to 2017 and never seached for one. In 2017 he has created his own small business so basically the more hours he works the more money he can make. He went through depression in 2020 and I supported him, which he was grateful for. At that time he didn’t work, and I understand why. But now that he seems better he doesn’t work enough to cover his share of the bills we have to pay.
For 10 years I’ve paid for all the groceries and rent, and today I pay for this phone, I pay his car insurance even though I don’t have a drivers licence, I pay the electricity bill etc etc. His money is mostly spend on weed (I’ve quit for a while now) and beer (I don’t drink).
We spoke like 10000 times about this and he promises a lot. That he’ll pay his part next month for instance and then he doesn’t. And his excuse will be that he didn’t feel right on this or that morning so he’ll work tomorrow and so on.. I’ve already poorly and unsuccesfully threatenend him, I’m not proud of it and it din’t make any impact on him either.
I’m getting fed up sometimes because I want to spend my money on some things for myself, to help my mom out when she needs it or try to save for harder times but I can’t. But then on the other hand I’m like: it’s only money and I don’t want to whine about material things.
I don’t ask for advice on this subject matter to my relatives because I know their opinion already and can’t agree to that. Please share your thoughts or if you have been in a similar situation how did you deal with it?
TL;DR: I’d like my BF to share at least the bills with me but how to make him listen?
8 comments
So you’ve been financially supporting your boyfriend for a decade? While he’s done nothing but give you false promises and not come through every time. He’s not going to change. At this point, you’re doing it to yourself. You’ve made your point plenty of times over the years.. he obviously doesn’t care to change. And why would he? He’s had you taking care of him for the entirety of his adult life.
Why are you still with him again? Do you want to have to take care of him like he’s a child for the rest of your life? You already wasted your whole 20s doing so.. don’t waste your 30s as well. Sounds like you don’t want to talk to your relatives because they’ll give you the reality check you so desperately need.
I think you know that he is never going to pay. You need to accept that you will always be poor.
Stop paying for his things, and tell him that if he can’t pay his share for shared expenses, that you’ll be moving out. Not sure why you’d date someone like this
You are enabling his poor financial decisions. Time to stop enabling him: stop paying his phone and car insurance; if they’re in your name, cancel them (give him 30 days warning); buy just enough food for yourself and only cook for yourself (because I’d bet he doesn’t do any cooking at all); and if those don’t work, move out. You’re putting in *much* more effort to maintaining the household than he is.
Also, if he’s not still in treatment for his depression, he needs to be.
You have enabled this sad situation so long that your bf is taking you and this for granted and bad advantage of it all. He knows you will always be there to fill in whatever gap and he can continue blowing his doe on weed and stuff for him and not help with any responsibilities. I am not sure what you want to do but continue living like this and having to go without. Unless you jack up his tush real Soon, He will keep going on dipping into your pockets and not helping with anything. It is time in ten years that Monsieur grows up.
why would he want to work when he can mooch off you? you cant make him listen, he’s a 32 yo that lives like his mommy takes care of him, because you do.
cut the cord, and date an adult
10 years he’s been leeching off you. It’s never going to change. In your position I’d break up unless you want to put up with this for the next 30 years of your life. At minimum you could at least stop paying for his phone and car insurance. He needs to pay his own bills before spending money on luxuries like weed and booze.
You say “I don’t ask for advice on this subject matter to my relatives because I know their opinion already and can’t agree to that.”
I’d say we are probably going to give you the same advice. I certainly am: your BF is using you, and you would be much better off without him.
Edited to add advice: You tell him he stops paying for weed and booze immediately, and contribute to your shared expenses. He can spend his money on ‘fun’ stuff when he’s an equal participant in your outgoings.