How do I (19f) get over the pain of the one that got away?

I have known a friend for three years. We became good friends over the last year. I knew he didn’t like me for the past few months, and that I would never be more with him. I accepted this but still appreciated our friendship. But it wasn’t until a couple weeks ago that I told him. I was going through a lot and had to clear y mind, get it off my chest. He responded as a good friend would, and still wants to be friends.

I still want to be friends too, but it is hard. It’s hard to see him start dating this new girl. It’s hard because I am truly letting myself grieve for the first time in three years. It’s hard because I am processing all the ups and downs that I had over him for three years, especially in the last year.

It’s incredibly painful. I’m 19, and never wanted to get married until I was much older. But I think I was in love. Not truly in love, because that kind of connection can only happen between two people. We hadn’t bonded especially close, you know? But I think I loved him as much as one could unrequitedly. Maybe I wasn’t in love, but this has been the closest I’ve ever been to it. And I think the closest I will ever be to it in a long way. He was special to me, unique. I still long for him.

The thing is, there was a point because of a living situation where I thought I would never see him again, and that was before we were even really friends. And after we met again, and got along so well, it gave me so much hope. I latched onto that hope that maybe if he didn’t like me now, he would one day? I knew I needed to get the “no” from the course if I were to ever truly move on, even if I had already accepted that we would only ever be friends.

Now, the timing of me telling him is horrible. I want to hang out even though it will be painful because I know I will regret not spending more time with a good friend just because I said something about it, especially since he said he wanted to continue being friends. But at the end of May he is joining the marines, and in August I am moving out of state for a while before I come back. When he comes back from the marines, we were planning on taking a road trip together. Now with me being out of state, it is not going to happen, and when he gets assigned, I will still be in Texas… basically, after May, I don’t know when we’ll ever see each other again if ever.

Even worse, I am with someone right now. I know that they will never be able to compare to that guy. I know most guys wouldn’t. Like I said, he was special to me. But I know there are people out there for me, and one of them I may end up staying with. It’s just that I know that it would take a lot for someone, anyone to not be extinguished by my admiration/attraction/attachment to my friend… My boyfriend isn’t that guy. I want to find someone that I can like as much as I liked my friend, but at the same time, I don’t want to just be searching to date someone just to fill a void in myself. Just so I can be with someone that I feelings for that overshadow those I have for my friend. That’s not right, not for me, and not for whenever that may be.

I care about my boyfriend immensely, but I do admit that there is only one person I would leave him for, and guess who that is. I want to stay with my boyfriend for this reason. I am dating him in the first place because we like each other a lot, and have grown to care about each other and bond. But I feel so guilty about having such immense feelings for another person, one’s that I have denied myself before I even started dating my boyfriend. I am a moderately jealous partner.

My boyfriend was still pursuing a friendship with an old flame a few months into our relationship. I found out about that recently, just as I was coming to terms with everything about my friend. I told myself that it was different, because me and this guy were actually friends and had mutual respect for each other, whereas that girl didn’t want much to do with my boyfriend and yet he still clung to her. He had much, *much* longer to get over her. And that I was more honest with him than he was with me.

But those differences don’t really make a difference. Because here my boyfriend is, he blocked her and is just focusing on me and getting over the fact that he still misses what they had. And I’m actively grieving my one that got away. We’re a mess. But we’re willing to be a mess together as we heal and focus on each other.

TL;DR I’m a mess. My boyfriend is a mess. He and I are willing to heal over other people we cared about, together. But it still doesn’t stop me from feeling incredibly guilty. And I’m wondering when the pain of this grief that has had three years to build up will start to dissipate. I am wondering how one goes about cultivating love when one has lost the only one they ever really cared about loving. It’s hard to conceptualize anyone comparing to them.