I hate my husband. What do I do?

33 comments

1. Help me understand why.
   if he basically is an abusive dickhead, with tantrum issues, why can’t/won’t you divorce him?

2. All I can say is please don’t bring anymore children into this situation. This is not healthy relationship and children should not be forced to endure it, because the adults refuses to do what is best for them.

3. So you’re going to let your kids witness and experience his emotional abuse rather than divorce?

   You can can try to convince him to change but if he doesn’t want to then staying and putting up with his abuse or leaving are your only real options.

4. Why are you committed to allowing your kids to grow up around this, let alone creating a whole new child to have to deal with this environment?

5. It’s like asking: I have appendicitis but going to the hospital is not an option. It’s hard to give advice without knowing why divorce is impossible, because there might be ways around it

6. You guys should do some kind of therapy together or separate but you should do it.

   If you can’t leave you have to come to some kind of compromise.

   He should Go to some kind of anger management or something to help his bipolar issues.

   You may need to be the one to make the appointments and get him there cause he won’t do it himself.

   Or even if you don’t leave him take a separation break.

   Leave for a few days.

7. r/estrangedadultchild

8. If you stay married to him you will stay miserable and your kids will be traumatized from their parents having a shit marriage. If you get divorced I suppose in Canada sure he’ll get half custody but then you have a chance at happiness and showing them a good life. At a certain age they get to decide if they want to visit dad.

   Also i saw your other comments, at least in the US when you see a psychiatrist to get medicated it’s like a therapy session. And if they medicate you they will strongly recommend therapy. I don’t know if they can enforce it though. The better option is always to get divorced. It’s better for you and it is better for your kids. My parents got divorced and it would’ve been so much worse if they stayed together because they’d both be miserable.

9. If u can’t divorce him then you Will have to endure abs hope he changes. But from experience, people hardly change. And marriages mostly bring our the worst in people

10. My husband got increasingly shouty and angry over a number of years. It sort of crept up on me until I realised that I couldn’t stand his behaviour any longer.
    We had counselling, he took medication and accepted that he needed to change.
    I also realised that I needed to be more assertive and to be more self reliant emotionally.
    He now never shouts, it’s just not acceptable in our household. We both make an effort to be kind to each other and things are mostly good.
    You need to sit him down and quietly but firmly make him see his behaviour is damaging the people he loves. Get him to see it for himself and want to be a better person.
    Good luck to you.

11. You dont want to divorce him. You cant change him. So the only option is to suck it up and stay. What kind of advice did you expect?

12. Seriously? You ask for advice while clearly stating you won’t take the most logically offered advice of divorce. Just need the attention, or what?

13. You already decided to stay and accept his behavior so now live with it

14. Is separation not an option? Living apart might bea catalyst for change but doubt it since abuse is in play. Mental but still abusive.

    [Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf)

    I am dropping the link to this book because it will open your eyes to see what you are in. I grew up with my parents fighting and my dad’s bad temper and they separated when I was 6. I don’t regret it at all and my dad passed last year. They divorced and rekindled a few years before he passed and it was different this time but I still don’t regret them living separately. I had to separate because my kids were going through the same stuff and were suffering. Please don’t paint it black and white but work on opening your mind to different possibilities in this. Good luck OP

15. Fellow redditors, isn’t this what abuse victims look like? I personally am of the opinion that emotional abuse is more dangerous, and abuse is abuse.

    To you, considering that you so much aren’t willing to do for the best of your kids and you, the least you could do is ask him for couples therapy as you would like for you both to improve your dynamic. That’s the least you can do.

16. People don’t change.

17. The only solution that isn’t divorce is waiting til he resorts to physically hurting your kids, then neither you nor him will be left with any choice at all. The
    law will decide. Still, none of it guarantees he will
    change. Or your kids grow up into emotionally traumatized adults who hate and want nothing to do with their parents.

18. OP you refusing to divorce your husband who you know is mentally ill is selfish. I don’t care why you won’t do it, it is selfish, and you have the nerve to want a 3rd kid???? I grew up in a 2 parent household and my dad had untreated BPD, instead of leaving my mom stayed with him for 20 years. By the time me and my sibling were both 18, they had finally decided to get divorced. Do you know how hard it is to watch your mom get disrespected every day for little to no reason??? What are you gonna do when those 2 small children start understanding the way he treats you? What are you gonna do when they ultimately hate their dad(who u claim is a good father) bc all they see is him tearing you down? And if he already gets frustrated at a damn 2 YO, what do you expect to happen when they’re teenagers?

    Stop being selfish and making excuses. I tried to word this in good taste but after reading all you comments this is as nice as it gets.

19. It’s really hard here for anyone to give you constructive advice without the context of why divorce isn’t an option

20. So you ask for advice and immediately state that you won’t take the single most effective & best option available to you – why the hell are you even here?

    All you’re doing is continuing to expose your children to an abusive & dangerous environment that’s going to screw them for life.

    You can’t change other people, you can only change yourself.

21. With divorce being off the cards I would try the following:

    1. Read Laura Doyle’s “The empowered wife” and before judging it, read the reviews for the book.
    2. If you want him seen by someone, first call a therapist and tell them the situation over the phone, say that you think he needs medication or private sessions but that he will never do it. Ask them if they’ll suggest that to him subtly if you attend some sessions together. Then go to your husband and say that you want your marriage to be strong so you’d love to go to therapy together to make changes for you both and for the kids. Propose it to him as a “we” solution and not a “him” issue.
    3. Give the kids and him lots of space. Take the kids out and give him time alone to cool down. Do this to give the kids some good memories of growing up instead of seeing only toxicity. Get out of the house for adventures with them for yourself too. The more you can take time away from him, the better for everyone.
    4. If you’re biding your time until the kids are older (perhaps you don’t feel safe leaving them alone with him if you were to divorce) then start your exit plan now, to use later. Begin squirrelling money away into a seperate bank that he never learns about, put money into your pension, etc. Be financially ready to go so that you can once the kids are old enough. I realise this is much harder as a SAHM but that’s why you need to start putting anything away that you can.

22. Wait a minute, you won’t leave him for your kids? So you’re keeping this abusive partner around your kids, even admitting that 10% of the time he’s less than great with them and seems even emotionally abusive to them. And you would want a third child with him?

    The best thing to do here is start by seeing an therapist to work through some of this and your stance.

23. So you want to show your children that is normal to live in fear of your spouse.

    Your kids See how he treats you and will repeat your cycle.

24. I recommend getting comfortable then if that’s the hell you choose

25. My dad was like that as well. Great 90% of the time but had explosive bursts of anger fairly often. Never got physically violent but would scream for hours. I got in to my first physically abusive relationship when I was 17 years old. Please leave the guy.

26. How old were you both when you two got together? He was 25 and you were…? Idk that’s the conclusion my brain is coming to. It’s just not adding up. Are you a SAHM? Do you have financial freedom?

    The reason behind you not divorcing is unknown. Maybe you think it’s better this way. It’s not. I’m someone who dealt with that crap and I was so very glad when my mom divorced that monster. Your kids love their dad cause they’re young. They don’t understand. The more they grow, the more they’ll understand that their dad doesn’t exactly love them. YOU DO NOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THAT WHOM YOU CLAIM TO LOVE. Why let your kids go through that? Deal with the fact that yeah dad doesn’t really care. That was hard for me to go through.

    By not choosing to divorce, you are choosing to make, force your kids to stay and grow in an unhealthy environment. And it will be extremely naive of you to think this won’t affect how your kids turn out to be. God forbid they end up like your husband and treat others the way your husband treats you. But you CHOSE to stay. I’m just putting it out there. My family disaster has effected me and my personality in ways. Some are good… but some are not.

27. If you don’t divorce your husband, be prepared for your children to cut you off and never speak to you again as soon as they’re able. This is what I have just done to both my parents because my mother was too chicken to leave my asshole father after a literal lifetime of abuse. Not leaving him is selfish on your part. Your kids will hate you. This is ridiculous. You admit in this post he is abusive to them and they’re only little. It’s YOUR JOB to protect your children from this monster, not allow him to treat them the same way he treats you. I know it’s scary, but you have to leave. Whatever obstacles you think are in the way are only there because you have put leaving him in the “too hard” basket. There are many ways for you to safely get you and your kids out of this situation. It will be hard, you have to put in effort and make many sacrifices, it will hurt emotionallyand mentally for a while. But the life without him, no matter how hard, is going to be 100× better for you and your children in the future. Leave him. There is no other way to stop this. You wanted advise, here it is. Everyone is saying the same thing.

28. Ngl, after reading your post, and comments…I’m confused as to why you asked a question. Bc it Doesn’t seem like the advice here is what you’re looking for or will even consider. Your post might as well be considered a vent.

    Bc I can tell ya over 90% of the comments from this sub will say leave or ask why you can’t divorce if you truly hate your SO. 🤷🏾‍♂️

29. Children pay a high price when their parents divorce. It’s an “adverse childhood event.” Children also pay a high price when witnessing/experiencing dysfunction within the home. All of these things can be considered adverse childhood events even if they are not eyewitness to any of it. Kids are intuitive.

    Therapy, now, is your best option, no matter the outcome. Do not wait. If your husband won’t go, go alone. Or if you don’t want him to go, go alone.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. You’ll feel better once you get in with a counselor.

30. I grew up in this type of household – I don’t know your reasons for not divorcing your husband but you’re a shit mom. Your job is to protect your children and you are failing to do so. I can’t tell you the amount of therapy I’ve had to deal with everything I witnessed, everything I experienced, all the things I went through, growing up in a household just like this. And let me tell you, the person I am most angry with is my selfish mother who allowed the abuse because she didn’t want to be divorced and alone again. I had to endure it all because she wouldn’t divorce him. So, expect your children to grow up and feel the same and for god sake don’t bring another child into it.

31. “I hate my husband. What do I do?”

    Very simple answer: Love your children (& yourself) enough to protect them, & provide a safe, secure, happy, healthy home & family for them so they’ll have a chance at a better future. (I’ll apologize now that my comment is so long.)

    As a L&D/Pediatrics Nurse I cannot stress strongly enough how serious I am when I say that being raised in this kind of home can phuck up a child’s mental health & emotional well-being for a lifetime. I see it Every. Single. Day. And it is absolutely heartbreaking.

    Picking up on abusive relationships, abusive ppl, abuse victims, & abuse survivors is kind of a super-power for me, now, unfortunately. I can fairly accurately predict which babies will be back in 14-20 years with their own unplanned pregnancies, or struggling with substance abuse/addiction, or having difficulty with the rules & laws of society &/or the authorities. (And I could be wrong, of course, but I can almost guarantee you that your husband grew up in an unhappy, dysfunctional, unhealthy, & most likely abusive home himself.)

    No matter how well you think you’re keeping this abuse dynamic hidden & protecting your children from it, I promise you that they either are aware, or they will become aware, depending on their ages.

    Children almost always repeat whatever lifestyle is modeled for them by their parents. Everything they see & hear you do & say will 100% directly impact what kind of adults they become, what kind of partners they choose, what kind of partners they become, what kind of relationship’s they’re in, & most importantly, what kind of parents they’ll be. So if you stay, the result of your actions will almost certainly negatively affect your children, but it will also have a ripple-effect that negatively affects many other people for generations to come, which will most tragically include your future grandchildren.

    I would urge you to get yourself & your children into counseling asap, talk to a domestic violence counselor &/or a social-worker & find out what resources are available to you & your children. You might be surprised at the resources that you qualify for.

    So please take steps to protect yourself & your children, b/c your partner does not sound like a safe partner who has your family’s best interest at heart. You deserve a loving, respectful, trusting, kind, appreciative, supportive partner, & you deserve a happy, healthy, safe relationship. *Please msg me if I can help you in any way.* ***I’ll do everything I can to help you & your children stay safe.*** I wish you & your children all the best. Truly.

    National Domestic Violence website info:

    TheHotline.org

    https://chat.thehotline.us/v2/index.html?dkey=783ea42e-3aa0-42f4-9899-ad886e4995b4&skill=g1b

    Internet usage can be monitored and is impossible to erase completely. If you’re concerned your internet usage might be monitored, call us at 800-799-SAFE (7233). Learn more about digital security and remember to clear your browser history after visiting this website.

    (Edited: Revised a paragraph for clarity.)

32. Holy hell. There’s a laundry list of things here that I’m majorly concerned about.

    The biggest one here is that you want a THIRD CHILD with your abuser. I’m floored you’re even thinking about this when in the title you very clearly state that you HATE HIM. OP, this is a fucking mess…

    You’re choosing to stay with your abuser for whatever reason, and you’re not doing your kids ANY favors by doing so. Let alone yourself. I’d definitely do individual therapy because marriage counseling seems out of the question. But truthfully, you’re out of your freaking mind that you’re going to stay with your abuser and you figure that’s the best and only way to either A) keep your dysfunctional family together or B) that you feel trapped and you feel ‘obligated’ for your kids to stay with their awful, abusive father. Both cases are incredibly messed up…

    If you’re not going to divorce him and make life safer and better for yourself and for your small children, well, then essentially YOU are making the choice to set yourself on fire to keep your scumbag husband warm. Don’t have anymore kids, seriously. Your two small kids are going through enough and you’re not helping ANYONE, least of all them if you ever bring in another one into their small world.

33. There’s no solution, this is a waste of a thread, waste of a read, and waste of all of our time. You are unwilling to do anything, but asking for advice.