Update to previous post: ( linked at bottom )
From advice in my last post I decided to confront my gf about her friend who I’ll refer to as N,
I asked if I could see her messages with him.
She obliged but went to the bathroom for a couple min beforehand , **with her phone ,** so obviously bad but there’s 2 options of what she did in there in my mind:
1. she did a quick run through and thought “oh cool there’s nothing bad here”
2. she removed any “real” evidence
of course maybe there’s a third option of innocence.
She returned and we went though her texts with N, nothing unusual recently but as I scroll up she’s more hesitant and the texts are much more frequent there’s a gap from Feb. – Sep where there’s no interaction but earlier than Feb. they message frequently.
But in hindsight one thing pops out, first message from him in Sep is:
“Hey been quiet recently”
I imagine he’s referring to the Feb – Sep gap. but’s there’s no reply from her… she says his messages were delayed and didn’t come through until Sep… strange reasoning ( maybe the missing messages were deleted? )
Anyway since Sep they texted of course until they meet a month ago then last weekend.
So at this point I’ve finished reading and feel like its fine but my gut tells me to search more so I ask her if they chat on snapchat or Instagram?
she gets annoyed but obliges and she’s hesitant, the snapchat messages are MUCH longer than more frequent but still semi casual. I keep scrolling up and she getting more and more defensive and last year they seem to talk a lot but two lines that stick out are N saying “I miss you” and “you know I’ll make time for you”. Yes this is before our relationship but still? and apparently they’re just friends.
Anyway it ends here she was quite controlling in what I saw I didn’t have full control or unlimited time to read but I’m sure if I asked to see anything else I could but I felt wrong for looking at the time.
If anything I have more questions and I’m more jealous some things in my mind are:
\- I never saw Instagram messages
\- I didn’t look at call logs
\- most of snapchat chatting isn’t saved
\- she went to the bathroom beforehand
My final though is on how she reacted, she said its funny to her because of how absurd it is in the way that he’s just a friend. She said he’s dumb and things . but to me that sounds like deflection why do I care if he’s dumb.
My current theory is they were almost a “thing” then stopped talking Feb. – Sep. Then he comes back into her life and now they met for lunch and played mini golf? . Feels off to me and I’m more on edge than ever.
Am I going crazy with jealously? do I need to let this go?
any advice would be great, thankyou
last post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/yokkbt/dealing\_with\_jealously\_m23\_f23/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yokkbt/dealing_with_jealously_m23_f23/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
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update: went though the messages with her again and essentially I think he’s into her
but she’s not reciprocal in messages. She ofc doesn’t agree.
he asked her what I said to her when she got back from their 30 min meeting after his shift at 12pm, she doesn’t reply but replies to another part of the message, biggest hint of deletion but she brushed it off.
I’m really unsure she doesn’t seem into him at all in messages, but in snapchat from a year ago they both seem pretty close ( to be fair they did work together )
37 comments
They’re more than friends bro. And if they didn’t do anything then one of the two have feelings for the other. You may be better off leaving her alone. Just my opinion
In this case if it looks like a duck and quacks like duck it may be a cute furry cat
She destroyed all inappropriate texts before handing over the phone. This was her opportunity to be transparent and justify her “friendship ” – and she failed
You don’t need to read the texts. You are justified to believe she delayed handing over the phone so she could delete incriminating evidence.
At a minimum her sketchy behavior destroyed trust. At a maximum she’s attempting to cheat or is cheating (and you’re just keeping the bed warm for him).
A solid relationship should be easy with no concern for cheating. She failed
Most women will treat you better. Get out there and find a good woman.
She took her phone to the bathroom, cleared all evidence and handed you the phone. Take that as you like.
She isn’t trustworthy and so you don’t trust her. Time to move on. At a minimum she is emotionally cheating.
Yeah an innocent person wouldn’t take their phone, go to the bathroom for some time and give you the phone after you ask them if you can go through it.
I don’t know your defenition of cheating, but there is something going on between them that she defenitly don’t want you to know.
Assuming that their relationship is innocent even after these signs, it’s just stupid.
You don’t need proof to leave someone.
not crazy. she definitely cheated. she erased the evidence when she went to the bathroom. I wouldn’t be with someone I can’t trust.
Alright let’s be real here.
This sub will tell you she’s cheating, because it always does. But let’s take the info you’re giving us with a bit of objectivity.
* Two minutes isn’t long enough to parse through months worth of text conversation on multiple apps to delete incriminating messages. It would be one thing if she deleted the whole history, but managing to pin point bits of conversations to delete would be so time consuming.
* If they were cheating for an extended period of time, you would have seen evidences all across her conversations because you would have seen holes in their exchange every time one called the other a petname or said something cute. Yet the worst you find after reading through two apps of hers is one “I miss you” and one possibly suspicious gap in their conversation.
* The fact she was annoyed and defensive is not an admission of guilt, you were pretty much flat out accusing her of cheating and invaded her privacy to try to confirm your suspicions, no wonder she would be hurt and upset at you.
Let’s call a spade a spade: no amount of sleuthing will sooth your mind. You could go through all her electronics, every messaging app and mailboxes… and you’d find small details you’ll consider strange and suspicious. You’ll always be able to create a narrative where she may have been able to hide or delete the truth: alt instagram account, regular history purge…
At this point, whether or not she cheated doesn’t matter. There are evidences pointing that way yes, but they’re easily explainable in another manner. The issue is that you fundamentally don’t trust her and there is no amount of proof that will change that. Worst case she cheated, best case you would need a constant monitoring of all her online and IRL activities to start believing she didn’t. Either case it’s not going to work.
If you’re at this point the relationships already dead imo.
At this point it doesn’t matter what the truth is. You don’t trust her. She had an opportunity to fix that, but instead took her phone to the bathroom.
Is anyone else sure these people who are so dense it hurts are just karmafarning? Like they pretend to be obtuse to push the engagement?
I didn’t see anything in this that would violate my trust in her – But you’re obviously not at ease so let me make a suggestion.
Let this cool down for a month or so, don’t mention it, act and try to feel like everything is fine.
Then in 30 days or so, tell her that you want to remove any lingering uneasiness and have a look at their convo’s on all platforms. Do not accept bathroom breaks, restricted access or any meddling from her. This should either put you at ease or dig up the smoking gun.
I think the key in any such situation is making your boundaries and demands clear. If anything is left unchecked it’ll eat away at you, and that’ll hurt you both, even if she’s done nothing wrong.
Even if they are just friends…she is being shady and making you feel badly for your legit concerns. She is not a keeper.
I know it sucks, she sucks for being so secretive, but someone with no guilt and just concern and care for your feelings wouldn’t be annoyed or mad at you for discussing them. Especially over such a question mark person.
(Also yes it sounds like she’s dating this other guy and stringing you along until she can jump ship and land on a bigger boat)
Bro. Imagine you guys not even married or anything and these are the issues your are having. It dont seem like a solid foundation for a long term relationship. but that just me
If your doubting the relationship this much (for good reason I may add) I think it’s time to just end it.
there is so little trust in this post. you need to move on from her. you’ll never trust her, even if she ditches the friend
So I am going to really risk downvotes here. I am being honest though.
This definitely gave me you have insecurities vibes. Like you openly admit I’d it was a girl you wouldn’t care despite her being bi. This tells me you know deep down part of this isn’t all her. That said her needing to take a minute before you checked and her not admitting they speak alot on other messengers. That is super suspicious. Honestly best case scenario shereally isn’t doing anything bad and at may have a tiny crush she just doesn’t pursue. However she then seemed all to eager to antagonize you. If she really cared she would want to show you everything and build trust.
In the end though, just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean something didn’t happen. I strongly suggest you really considering leaving her. If not for the possibility you fear then for the way she didn’t respect you at all when you were worried and looking for reassurance. I also suggest maybe dateing girls who are happy with an open phone policy. It may be more and more rare but plenty of people would gladly let their SO check their phone whenever they wish.
A similar situation happened to me. He left his phone laying which he never does and a WhatsApp notification kept flashing. At that time I didn’t even know what WhatsApp was (had to quickly Google it on my phone.) He came back and I I told him his private messaging app was flashing. He said his friend had him download it so that his friend could send a video. ???
Anyway, I asked if I could see the phone which I had never done before. Reason for this is that he was keeping his phone in his pocket all the time and never went to the bathroom without it. He would be in there for very long periods of time. He would never use his phone when I was around or have it out in plain sight. I found it strange because I just leave my phone laying.
Well, just asking turned him into a raging lunatic and the phone was busted up into pieces.
Go with your gut. If you feel like she’s hiding something, she probably is.
Dude, just end this relationship already. Either she’s cheating on you or your being a controlling asshole who is blowing things out of proportion. Either way there is no saving this one.
Stop. Just stop. Either you trust her or you don’t. At this point you are just chasing her guilt. It doesn’t matter what is going on. Your relationship is over. Leave and work on yourself.
bro break up, she’s hiding something from you and it’s obvious
You don’t trust her, why are you still dating her?
Personal bias here: I’ve never once, ever, looked through my partner’s phone, nor he mine. If you’re at the stage of feeling you need to, just stop. Go your separate ways.
The trip to the bathroom is all the evidence you need. End of story
Check message trash and you goofed when you let her “go” to the bathroom
Breakup. Move on. Seriously: use your 20s to build wealth and get yourself together and then get back in a relationship when your 28/29.
I’ve read your post, and some things have reminded me of a similar situation with my ex. Bottom line, the relationship is over. She clearly went to the bathroom to delete messages, and this is a breach of trust.
Reminded me of a situation with my GF, I snooped on her phone and saw questionable messages with a guy. I’m not sure why, because I trusted her at this point but my intuition said something is up. I actually made a video of her phone, and scrolled though the messages and until the day I met her. I brought it up the next day, and my girlfriend literally deleted the messages in front of me, handed me the phone and said ‘what message?’. I showed her the video I made, and and she said she doesn’t know how it got deleted. We had a few drinks when this happened, so I put it off to chance (I may have accidently deleted it) but made a mental note.
The trust was killed after this day. Small red flags that I was oblivious to months prior, and months later started to stick out like a sore thumb. I caught her telling me white lies.
She had a thing/relationship with a guy 5 years ago, that’s absolutely cool with me – it’s in the past. She apparently went on a city break with this guy when they were together, it was a bday present – that’s cool, but she doesn’t know that I know about this trip.
My GF brought this place up, and said we should go. Now I don’t know why she made up this elaborate lie, but she said she went with friends from work and shared a room with 2 other girls, but 1 dropped out. No mention of a guy or anything similar, she actually denied anything about a guy being in a room, or if it was a leisure trip vs work. I’d rather have her telling the truth, than the most elaborate lie I’ve heard. I was jaw dropped whilst she was telling me it, because of the detail. My GF has a very strict family, so is used to telling white lies.
Now my problem is that this guy has been snapping my GF throughout the relationship, I thought it was a relative and didn’t think of much until I digged a little deeper and found it was a past love interest. I said to my GF very early in our relationship that I’m not in regular contact with ex’s/people I’ve been intimate with as it’s disrespectful to my current partner, and I expect the same which she agreed.
I just don’t trust her anymore. I’m sure if I bring this up, she’ll deny all of it. I’m trying my best to ignore it, but my gut cannot trust again.
Dude just leave her she obviously can’t be trusted.
the ol i gotta go to the bathroom trick … dude
you don’t trust her and that’s going to eat you …
She belong to the STREETS
Lmao you let her go to the bathroom with her phone… you’d make for a horrible detective.
She belong to the streets
SHE TOOK THE F PHONE TO THE BATHROOM
TO SCROLL LIKE CRAZY DELETING MESSAGES
EVEN YOUR GUTS R TELLING YOU WHATS GOING ON DUDEEE
You looked at her phone, which she probably edited, and that wasn’t good enough for you. That lingering mistrust is likely going to haunt you til this relationship crumbles apart. If she’s innocent, which I don’t really believe based on personal experiences, she’ll resent you for constantly doubting her. If she is cheating and you find out later you’ll end up feeling 10x worse for not trusting your gut.
When I was in your shoes I ended the relationship and within a month he was making it facebook official with the girl I suspected him of cheating with.
She’s not trustworthy man. Get u a girl who doesn’t have to run to the bathroom to delete shit before u can look through her phone
OP, you are so half assed and wishy washy. She obviously deleted shit and you’re sitting there with a thumb up your butt ignoring your damn gut.
Dump her already and move on with your damn life. You’re annoying me with the same “AM I CRAZY” BS.
Bro whether you trust her or not, 99% of men are not interested in being “just friends” with an attractive woman. Ole boy is definitely looking for an opening, and I guarantee he’s sowing doubt behind the scenes. The “what did he say to you after our meeting.” Confirms that much. It’s shitty, but that’s the way the vast majority of men operate. You’re not wrong to be worried either. Don’t know how it’s acceptable for your girl to be meeting up with some guy under the radar anyway. That’s a red flag for anyone.